Chapter 1 Options

[Ithiel Dragon]

Wow… they had been in some tacky places before but this really took the cake.

Was the first thing that went through Dean's mind when they broke into the 'Mystery Spot' to have a look around. From the dizzying green and black spiral paint job in the hallway, to the tables nailed to the ceiling, to the friggen shark head hanging on one wall and a zebra's butt on the other, the place screamed lame.

He still couldn't believe that Sam thought this place was somehow legit. Even in the smallest sense of the word. Sure that Hassleback guy might have disappeared after visiting the joint, but Dean would have blamed the disappearance on Big Foot before he would believe this tacky tourist spot had something to do with it.

Dean looked over his shoulder at his brother who was using the EMF meter on a petrified turkey and tried not to roll his eyes.

"Find anything?" At least he attempted to keep the boredom and impatience out of his voice.

At his brother's expected negative, he continued.

"Do you even know what you're looking for?" Dean raised a doubtful eyebrow when Sam actually said yes, but then the younger man quickly changed his answer to no and Dean shook his head.

Well, if a decorator's nightmare was all they had to worry about tonight, then he supposed there were worse things. Hopefully Sam would be done sightseeing soon and they could just go back to the motel. Skip town tomorrow and maybe find a real job.

It was then he heard the angry voice from behind them. Dean turned around with his gun raised, but seeing the shotgun pointed at them, he was quick to try to calm the guy down. Reassure him that they weren't trying to rob him, and lowering his own weapon. Hoping to put the man at ease so he wouldn't do something stupid like shoot one of them…

Almost before the thought entered his mind Dean found himself thrown back. He'd been shot with a shotgun before, sure, thanks to his brother and a pissed off ghost. It had only been with rock salt though, which felt similar, and a hundred times worse at the same time.

He thought he heard his brother cry out his name. Sam's arms supporting him as he convulsed with pain and choked on his own blood. Hundreds of thoughts were going through his head as he stared up into the younger man's tearstained face. Sam begging him not to go, not like this, but Dean knew he didn't have much choice in the matter right now. Despite the fact that he still had six months left…

Dean tried to say something. Tried to tell his brother it would be all right, even if it wasn't. Tried to give Sam some measure of comfort. But the only thing that left his lips were blood. He was so fucking cold. The pain was going away, but so was his vision.

Sammy…

***

Dean sat straight up in the bed, gasping for air like he had been under water. His chest was aching with phantom pain and he looked down at it. Almost surprised that he didn't find a big ass hole there but there was nothing. Nothing but the medallion that his brother had given him so long ago.

He grimaced. Rubbing at his chest a little trying to relieve the pain that shouldn't be there.

The Mystery Spot… they'd left it behind about a hundred miles ago. For once Sam hadn't bitched at him about staying under the speed limit. Only caring that they were putting as many miles as they possibly could between themselves and the place.

The weird thing was though… Dean had never actually seen it. They'd had breakfast, then they ran into the trickster. The rest of the day Dean couldn't remember and then Sam was hugging him like he… hadn't seen him for months. But the dream had been so fucking vivid… like he actually had been there…

Dean shook his head trying to clear it. It didn't make any sense and thinking about it was just making his head hurt like a bitch.

[Mark angel]

Sam lay on his bed watching his brother sleep and letting the sound of him breathing comfort him, he wished he could fall into sleep and find some peace but his dreams were filled with what had happened all those Tuesdays and the months spent without Dean tracking the trickster. Those months had ruined peaceful sleep for him, he had become a machine, a killing machine with one thing on his mind, getting his brother back. He had hoped now that Dean was back he could go back to how he was before, but something inside him had changed, many things had changed and now he couldn't even look at his big brother the same way.

He knew technically none of it happened that he could just say it was a dream, because Dean sure as hell remembered none of it, but the memories wouldn't fade and if he was honest there were some he never wanted to lose. He had been so relieved, so happy that Dean was back he didn't think much about how difficult things would be. He had soon started to realise how difficult he found looking at Dean without remembering his deaths, or the months spent alone, the worst though was right now his brother bare chest glowed softly from the street light outside reminding him of how that skin felt and tasted.

"Dean I need you," his tongue trailed along his brothers spine a moan escaping at the way his brother shivered, he ignored the way Dean argued that they couldn't do this, that it was wrong. Too far gone he read Deans body language instead of listening to him, his brother was pushing back against him despite his protest. Sam had wanted to feel this for so long, had needed this and now he was going to get what he needed, seeing Dean die so much had slowly drove him over the edge till he had all but forced Dean into this, but Dean had responded and hadn't pushed him away. Sam slowly pushed his finger inside his brother feeling light headed at how tight and warm he was, he had thought of this many times and it all seemed like a dream. The tight heat around his finger bought home just how real this was, the teasing touches and kisses all forgotten now as he moved up Deans body biting hard on his shoulder claiming what was his. He pressed against Deans thigh to relieve some of the pressure as his finger moved inside that tight heat making him shiver as he whispered his brothers name before adding..........

Dean sitting up gasping for air interrupted his flashback and he froze watching his brother grab at his chest, he wanted to rush to Deans side and check he wasn't dying, he had seen Dean die too many times not to feel the spike of fear run through him. Right now though he was too worried to touch his brother with the memory still fresh in his mind, even now he didn't know if Dean had really wanted that to happen between them or if it was real and if he touched Dean right now he was likely to go for round two. But he managed to calm himself when he saw Dean was alright and got his emotions under control enough to not sound worried as he spoke, "Dean, you OK?"

[Ithiel Dragon]

Dean, you ok?

His brother’s voice and words honestly didn’t surprise the elder man one bit, despite the fact that it was past two in the morning and there was no reason why Sam should be awake. After all, his brother’s attention had been laser focused on him ever since they left Broward county. The younger man practically hovering over him. Watching everything he did. Everything that happened around him. As though Sam was fully prepared to bodily tackle him out of harm’s way if he needed to. Or that Dean would drop dead choking on a doughnut any second.

To say the least it was more than a little unnerving. Dean had tried to be understanding, really he did, but when it seemed like Sam didn’t even want to let him out of his sight to go take a piss… that was just a little too much for him.

“I’m fine, Sam.” He answered the same question for perhaps the hundredth time today. Dropping his hand from his chest before Sam started to panic he was having a heart attack or something. Rubbing his hand across his face with a sigh. At least Sam had tried to keep the worry out of his voice this time. Not that Dean couldn’t tell it was there all the same.

Dean laid back down. Throwing his arm over his eyes and trying to go back to sleep. After a few minutes he spoke.

“Quit staring at me, I can feel it. I said I’m fine.”

[Mark angel]

Sam could tell from Deans voice that he was annoyed with him for asking if he was OK all the time, and he knew how he would feel if it were Dean constantly asking if he were OK, only Dean had not had to watch him die all those times. He couldn't help the worry. Part of him was scared the trickster would change his mind and make his big brother dead again.

He watched his brother fall back on the bed trying to sleep and wondered how he was going to handle watching Dean lay on the bed every night without wanting to touch him. He could still feel the desire to go claim what was already his. He had taken his brother. Claimed him, and now he couldn't even touch what was his anymore. Only it was never his in the first place, was it ?

He blushed as his brother spoke. He had been caught out and Sam was just thankful Dean couldn't hear what he was thinking.

"Sorry," he rolled onto his back ignoring the burn of tears or the way he choked on that word. He was sorry, sorry for many things. For not saving Dean. For putting him in this position. For letting him die so much, and mostly for being such a pervert. Dean had no clue. Had he even wanted what was now the top most treasured memory Sam had in his head? Or had he been too far gone to know what his brother had wanted? Had he forced Dean?

He felt sick at the thought and rolled onto his side holding his stomach. He would never hurt Dean that way, never force him. Maybe Dean had just done it for him? Maybe he had hated him until he had died again...

'I forced him,' ran over and over in his head and he squeezed his eyes shut trying to ignore his own thoughts.

[Ithiel Dragon]

Dean lowered his arm and looked towards the younger man’s bed. The dark lump his brother was barely visible in the faint neon glow from the lights outside, but he didn’t really need to see Sam’s face to know something was bothering him. He’d have to be an idiot to not know what it was. Then again, maybe he was an idiot anyway because he didn’t know what to do or how to help Sam.

The elder man clearly remembered what it had been like to watch his brother die right in front of him. He still had nightmares about it practically every night. He’d only watched Sam die once, and from what his brother said he’d watched him die god knows how many times. So many he’d lost count.

It didn’t matter if it had all been a fantasy in his brother’s mind, put there by the trickster… because it couldn’t have really happened, right? Illusion or not, his brother had still been trapped helpless inside of it, it had been real to Sam.

A nightmare like that wasn’t so easy to wake up from. He could remember how he’d stared at his brother for days after he’d made the deal. So afraid that he’d wake up to find it was all a dream. That Sam would be ripped away from him again at any second.

Dean sighed as he pushed his covers aside and stood up. Crossing the small space between their beds, and after only a seconds hesitation sitting down on the edge of Sam’s bed. Resting a hand on his brother’s shoulder. Offering Sam the same comfort he always had when his little brother woke up from a bad dream and couldn’t get back to sleep.

“I’m ok, Sam. Really.” He said more gently this time. Giving his brother’s shoulder a slight squeeze.

[Mark angel]

Sam tried to quiet the voice in his head telling him he had forced his brother, he never did that, he couldn't ever do that to Dean, could he? Dean was alive, he had never died, so did that mean that never happened? he wasn't sure if he should be happy or not about that. Either way it was pointless because all those times Dean had died were real to him and that night was real to him and he couldn't forget any of it.

He tried to brush the tears away as he felt Dean sit on the bed, his brother was far from stupid and could always tell when he was upset, the comforting hand right now though was not welcome. He rarely pushed his brothers comfort away but right now he wasn't sure he could trust himself not to act on what he was feeling. Only there would be no waking up from that nightmare, once he told Dean how he felt, what he wanted, they couldn't erase that and start over, Dean would hate him and they would spend the last months of Deans life apart and alone, no chance of finding a way out of the deal. He couldn't risk that.

He didn't push that hand away, he didn't want to hurt his brother, Dean rarely showed comfort and he wouldn't throw that back in his face. Instead he sat up his eyes fixed on his brothers shoulder, looking at Dean right now would not be a good idea. He tried to sound normal but knew his voice sounded thick with tears, " I know, I'm trying," he was trying, but forgetting so much was not so easy, especially when there was part of it he never wanted to let go. Still he knew he had to, if he wanted to keep his brother, "I'm sorry Dean, I'll try to back off and stop acting so crazy." He was going for humour but his voice fell flat and the smile was forced.

He couldn't say in all honesty that the tricksters game hadn't left him a little crazy, maybe even crazy enough to force his brother ...... Sam shivered at the thought and wrapped his arms around himself trying to find comfort in his own arms.

[Ithiel Dragon]

Dean frowned a little when his brother refused to look him in the eye. Even as dark as it was in the room he could tell that Sam had been crying. It bothered him. A lot. But he was reluctant to say anything about it, and make his brother even more uncomfortable. If Sam couldn’t even look at him now he didn’t want to embarrass him more.

He let his hand slip from Sam’s shoulder when the younger man sat up. Feeling a little at a loss now what to do or say. They weren’t kids anymore. He couldn’t make everything all better for Sam with a hug, even though that’s exactly what Dean felt like doing right now.

Chick flick moment or not, he could tell Sam was trying hard to hold it together. It made him wish they hadn’t left Broward county so soon. That they’d stayed and started hunting down that bastard trickster so Dean could personally put a stake through him. Nobody hurt his brother and got away with it. God or not, if he ever ran across that bastard again…

“Don’t worry about it, Sammy.” Dean reassured, shaking his head at his brother’s apology. Sam had absolutely nothing to be sorry for. Nothing. He knew Sam was trying to lighten the mood a little, so he was willing to play along. Giving the younger man a playful smirk.

“No crazier than normal.” He teased slightly, however the smile slipped off his face a second later when his brother seemed to crumble in on himself, and without much thought the elder man wrapped his arms around Sam. Holding the younger man tightly in a hug that strangely didn’t feel the least bit awkward. He’d always given Sammy exactly what he needed. This was no different.

[Mark angel]

Sam tensed as his brother hugged him and for a moment he considered pushing Dean away, but he needed something real right now. Dean was real and he was here and safe and no matter what had happened before they were brothers. It took him seconds to wrap his arms around Dean taking comfort in the warmth and his brothers scent. Dean used to hug him all the time when they were younger, he was Sam's comfort and he had often needed Dean to just hold him til the nightmare passed.

Only how could Dean chase this nightmare away? it was his own head, his own sick wants that were causing him this misery, it was the time spent without his brother that was eating away at him. Dean didn't remember he didn't know what they had shared, didn't know he had experienced months with Dean being dead. He couldn't fix this, Sam had to do this on his own, he had to move past this feeling. Even now he noticed that the scent that had once been a comfort was now making him want to run his tongue the length of his brothers neck, because he remembered how he tasted. If he just turned his head and brushed his lips against that perfect mouth would Dean return the kiss like he had before? or would he push him away and call him a freak?

Sam sighed softly knowing he couldn't risk that, he needed Dean he couldn't lose him. He knew he should pull away from his brother and put some distance between them but he couldn't, his brothers embrace just felt right, he couldn't let that go.

"I'm OK Dean," he needed to reassure his big brother who worried about him so much. If only he knew what was causing his baby brothers pain, he wouldn't be holding him that was for sure.

He clenched his eyes shut as he ignored the thoughts of how Dean would react, "I'm OK," this time he wasn't sure who he was reassuring.

[Ithiel Dragon]

Dean felt himself relax a little bit when Sam returned his hug instead of trying to pull away, which he’d almost been afraid his brother might. Though it made him wonder a little who was comforting who now. How long had it been since they’d hugged like this, when one of them wasn’t bloody or…?

The elder man swallowed hard remembering the last real hug they’d shared, before this morning at least, when Sam had held onto him so tightly. The way he’d held onto Sam after he’d made the deal, seeing his brother alive again for the first time. The time before that… he’d held his brother while the life drained out of him. Sam going still and cold in his arms…

He shuddered a little, and held the younger man just a little tighter to him. His fingers finding their way into his brother’s hair. Petting gently.

“I know.” Dean said softly to his brother’s reassurances that he was ‘ok’. Even though he clearly wasn’t. That was fine though, because he had no intention of letting Sam go until it was true. Content to stay like this, letting his brother’s warmth chase away the weird feelings the dream that had woken him left him with. His concern for Sam overriding everything else, like it always did.

“Move over.” He said, nudging Sam over in the bed until there was enough room for them both, and then he laid down. Tugging his brother down with him and holding him against his side. A position he was quite comfortable and familiar with since they’d had to share beds most of their life traveling around from motel room to motel room with dad.

“Get some sleep. Your exhausted.”

[Mark angel]

Everything in Sam's head was telling him to pull away from Dean to insist that sharing a bed at their ages was just wrong and that this was stupid. Only his heart had other ideas. His heart and whole being clung to his brother and knew it could not let him go. He found himself wrapped around his brother despite knowing it was wrong and it would just remind him even more about what he and Dean had shared.

It had started like this, a brotherly hug from Dean to comfort him, to make him feel better and he had crossed the line, forced his perversions on his older brother, forced him to.......

He tensed in Deans arms knowing he should get away from his brother, he wasn't safe to be around, he wouldn't hurt him again he couldn't lose him, so he wouldn't cross that line again. Only now Deans hands were in his hair and it made him shiver and lean into that touch and he couldn't help but remember the way their lips had fit together perfectly. Dean had looked at him in such awe and love, not horror or disgust before leaning in for a second kiss much to Sam's shock and pleasure.

Dean had seemed to want it too, he had protested too, that it was wrong that they couldn't do this, he had ignored the protests believing they were nothing but Dean trying to be responsible. Maybe Dean really had been protesting despite the fact he had let Sam take what he needed, but then Dean was built to give his baby brother whatever he needed or wanted in moderation. Of course Dean wouldn't see giving his body to his baby brother as a sacrifice, not if Sam really needed it. Which he had. He had been on the edge of desperation and getting closer to insanity and Dean had pulled him back by letting him love him the way he always wanted to. But he never wanted Dean to simply surrender his body, he wanted Dean to want him too, but he knew that would never happen. Despite the fact that Dean had seemed to return the love and desire, he knew it was all in his twisted head. Maybe it had never even happened so Deans responses were created by him or the trickster. Maybe it had happened but he had twisted his brothers reactions to suit his own wants and needs, to justify what he did.

He clung to his brother feeling so torn with guilt and with love he just couldn't take it anymore, he choked on his tears as he whispered, "I'm so lost Dean."

[Ithiel Dragon]

“Sammy…”

Dean felt as chill of fear crawl up his spine that was all too familiar, though it was a fear usually only reserved for when his brother was in some kind of danger. About to get gouged by an angry spirit, demon, or a rabid werewolf, or something.

This fear, his instinct, to protect the younger man at any cost meant he’d gladly throw himself in front of any danger no matter what it was to keep Sam safe. But how could he protect Sam now when he didn’t even know what he was trying to protect him from? When he didn’t even know what the danger was?

Ever since they’d left Broward county he’d had his doubts. That Sam wasn’t telling him everything that happened with the trickster. The way his brother was clinging to him now, choking on his tears, pretty much erased any doubts from his mind. What the hell was Sam hiding from him?

“What’s going on, Sam?”

[Mark angel]

His brothers question told him he was out of control, he needed to pull back and convince Dean he was OK or he could lose his brother forever, but he was torn.

He wanted to confess everything, the way they had made love, how he now wasn't sure if he had forced Dean into that or if Dean would hate him if he could remember. He wanted to ask Dean if he had ever returned those feelings Sam had felt growing inside him since he was a teenager, had Dean wanted him that night or had he been to far gone to notice the protests were not just Dean trying to do the right thing? had Dean had just given him what he needed.

He wanted to tell Dean how lonely he had been for so long, 6 long months alone, hate and grief churning up inside of him leaving nothing but a killing machine hell bent on getting his brother back. He wanted to shake and cry as Dean held him, but he wasn't a little boy anymore and Deans bear tight hugs couldn't solve this.

Nothing could.

And that was the problem.

Even if he did tell Dean everything how could his brother know what to say, he didn't remember any of it, all it would do was push his own pain onto Dean. He had done that so much already that he wouldn't do that now, he couldn't push Dean to the point where he may spend the next 6 months alone before being dragged to hell.

So he drew upon the cold hardness he had used for 6 months to survive life without Dean and he got control of himself. He briefly hugged his brother before untangling himself and rolling to face away from his brother.

"Nothing Dean, I'm just tired.... try and get some sleep."

He made a show of settling down to sleep but wasn't sure it would come anytime soon, he was bone tired but his mind felt too awake, he just hoped Dean would let the silence remain.

[Ithiel Dragon]

Nothing…

Yeah, right. Dean didn’t believe that for one fucking second.

He sighed as his brother pulled away and turned his back on him. A part of him, a big part, insisted on making Sam talk to him. To tell him what was wrong. How could he fix it after all if he didn’t know what was wrong? But another part of him, the part of him that had been almost afraid of his brother’s answer, told him to just let it be. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it was just Sam’s lingering fear after watching him die so many times. Maybe if they just let things get back to normal, everything would be all right…

Except Dean knew it wouldn’t be. Because six months from now, he was going to die and this time for real. Not some magic dream conjured by the trickster. He was going to hell and nothing was going to save him. So how could he in good conscience tell his brother that it was all going to be ok when it wasn’t?

“Night, Sammy.” The elder man said finally, though he didn’t move back to his own bed. Offering his brother what comfort he could at least with his presence, while he still could.

***

“Sam! Sam! Oh god, help me, Sam!”

He screamed over and over. Blood welling up in his mouth, choking him, yet somehow he still managed to scream. Trashing in the chains that bound him, convulsing in pain as strips of flesh were slowly peeled off his body by vicious claws. The demon torturing laughing insanely at his pathetic whimpers of agony.

“Please… please help me… Sammy…”

The demon’s claws dug deeper. Reaching inside of him. Ready to rip out his insides piece by piece. It was one of their favorite ‘games’. The pain unlike anything he’d ever experienced in life, because when he was alive, he would have been dead long before now. But in hell, the pain never ended. There was no merciful release of death. Only endless torture. Endless agony. Praying to a god that couldn’t hear you for a death that would never come. Stretching out into eternity until it drove all the remaining humanity out of the soul. Until all that was left was pain and hate and the desire to make others suffer just as much.

“SAM!”