After stopping at a gas station to fill up the car and get a few sodas and snacks with his recently acquired cash, they found a room at a motel on the outskirts of the town. Sure the place was a little run down, wallpaper peeling and stains on the ceiling, but no more than any other place they'd stayed in the last year.

The rooms were cheap at least and cheap was what they needed most right now.

Dean ordered them a pizza, large with everything on it just like he said, and ten minutes later they had the pizza box open on the bed between them. Various papers, print outs, and notes his brother had gotten from the library scattered on top of the comforter in front of them.

He had a slice of pizza in one hand while he read over the description of a possible place for rent in the other. Again, Dean couldn't help but think what a great job Sam had done with his research. There were some really good options for them here, as far as the older boy could see. Course it would really all depend on if he could get a decent job… still this was looking a lot more optimistic than he'd imagined.

"So, Sammy… got any favorites you want to check out first?" Dean asked as he picked up another printout. This one was only about a couple hours drive from where they were now.

Sam felt happy and chilled out which was why he was having trouble focusing on the information they were looking at. The pizza was good despite it having everything on it and he was warm, the beds were comfy and they were discussing their future life, so yeah he felt happy and relaxed and couldn't control the yawn that escaped despite it still being early.

Finishing his pizza slice and rubbing his eyes, he focused on some of the information because even though he was sleepy, he really wanted to discuss their plans, "they both look good, but we should probably focus more on the job side of things, maybe we should try that one." He pointed to the printout Dean was holding, "it's not too far, schools are good and houses are decent enough, plus the garage is a small company, they are more likely to take you on without checking your background too closely."

He grabbed another slice of pizza, "maybe we could drive down tomorrow check out the job and the potential of the area and go from there? oh we need to get some documents sorted out too on the way to prove you can do the job."

Sam grinned and grabbed his notepad and started to write a list of what they needed to do, lists always made him feel organised and in control because he could see what needed to be done and could check it off as its done. "We need to get some info together for my school too, i need to get all my old grades, oh and we need to decide who we are going to be, we should stay Sam and Dean so we don't slip up but is it safe too stay Winchesters? I would prefer that, plus dad would be able to find us that way."

He fell silent, thinking of his dad made him feel a little guilty for being so excited about their new life, they were only getting this because their dad was gone. As much as he wanted him back, Sam knew he would be disappointed if he walked through that door now, destroying their dream before it began and that made him feel angry at himself for being so selfish. He knew Dean would hate him if he knew what he felt because for his big brother their dad coming back was his dream not this apple pie life Sam was planning.

He tried to keep on track not wanting Dean to question what was wrong, "hey, once we are settled I will be able to get a part time job too to help with bills and stuff," Sam really wanted to be able to do that but he knew Dean would not be happy, " is there anything I'm missing off the list?"

Dean nodded to his little brother in agreement, stuffing his last bite of pizza into his mouth and licking his greasy fingers clean. Sam had a point. Wasn’t much use looking at the houses until he found a job to pay for one, of course if they couldn’t find a place cheap enough to live, the job would be useless too…

The older boy sighed. Why did this all have to be so difficult? Give him hustling pool, motels, and credit card scams any day. Of course, if that had been working out for them, then they wouldn’t need to be doing this.

Fuck, he wished Dad were here… but wishing wouldn’t get them anywhere closer to their goal either.

“That’s gonna be a problem, considering I haven’t worked a legit job in my life.” Dean muttered with another sigh. Not that Dean didn’t think he could do the job. In fact, he could probably do it a lot better than most. Their dad had been a mechanic before he’d become a hunter and had taught him everything he knew. Of course convincing an employer of that, especially when he didn’t even have a high school diploma, was going to be tricky.

“If we can get the whole job thing sorted out, we can get a PO Box set up at the local post office until we get a permanent address. Get all your records sent there.” Dean took a swig from his soda and chuckled.

“Our real names are probably the cleanest aliases we have, Sammy.” He remarked, and it was true. They’d used so many different names over the years as hunters, covering up their more illegal activities. Their real names were probably eerily squeaky clean by comparison, so that worked to their advantage, and as Sam pointed out, would make it easier for Dad to find them later… if the older man was still alive and ever came looking for them…

Dean frowned, and sighed a little at that thought before he pushed it aside. Looking up at his brother when the younger boy mentioned getting himself a job too and Dean shook his head.

“Sammy, your only ‘job’ is going to be finishing school, and getting those straight A’s you’re so good at. I’ll handle the money issue, don’t worry about it.” He told his brother firmly. They were just not going to argue about that. If they were really going to do this long term, he wanted his little brother to do well in school, and not have to worry about things like a job and money. He wanted his brother to have a chance at a great life, maybe get a scholarship, go to college. All that stuff.

Dean leaned forward to look over his brother’s list and nodded.

“Looks like a good start.” He commented and then began packing up their leftover pizza in the box. “Done with this? I should probably go out in a little while, see if I can get us some more cash before we head out tomorrow. We’ll need all we can get if we’re going to be making down payments and shit.”

Sam didn't miss how down his brother was about all the work they had to do in order to start living a normal life and wished he could take it all away for him, "it's true you have never worked, but you know your way around any car and we have made plenty of false documents in the past." It was true they always made up false documents to protect themselves and Sam couldn't see it being anymore difficult, "I can get that done, I know you hate that stuff, oh and hey maybe we could even put uncle Bobby down as an old employer, if we give him a heads up I'm sure he will be happy to give you a glowing reference, I'll ask him." Sam added that to his ever growing list and tried to not feel too overwhelmed, they had lots to do but he was good at this kind of thing, he saw this as a challenge and was ready to tackle it.

Sam smiled and agreed with his brother, their own names were the best ones to use and he was happy he got to have some part of his new life be real, he hated pretending to be someone else all the time. He sighed at his brothers words, he knew Dean would object to him getting a job, "look I'm not talking anything heavy just something at the weekend, besides i more or less have had a part time job with hunting and never failed to get straight A's. I am going to have tons of spare time now we are not moving round so much and hunting, besides part time jobs look good on college applications."

He wondered if he would ever go college or if he would be drawn back into hunting, still he wanted to give himself the best shot at getting into college and knew Dean could be stubborn when his mind was made up. "How about I get a job through the school or one my advisors recommend? that way you know it's to help me and that it wont interfere with my school work and the money will just be a bonus, doubt i would get much anyway, but it all helps and we are in this together right?" He really hated the idea of Dean putting so much pressure on himself and wanted to be able to help as much as possible.

Sam nodded and threw the rest of his pizza on the box his appetite suddenly gone, he hated when Dean would go off to make money and he knew he couldn't complain because Dean was right, they needed money. Still Sam worried about how Dean got the money and the trouble he could get into, plus he really hated being left alone, not that he would ever admit that. He nodded at his brother, "OK". He wanted to tell his brother to be careful to not do anything dangerous but he knew it would upset Dean and right now he had enough to deal with so he kept quiet.

Instead he pulled his school bag onto the bed and started getting out some work to complete, he may as well get started on some more work even though he was ahead, it wasn't likely he would be able to sleep early tonight. He never let on to Dean, but he couldn't ever sleep when left alone, part of that was due to being scared of being caught off guard by something supernatural but mostly it was because he wouldn't be able to relax until his brother was back and he knew he was safe.

Dean was actually relieved when Sam offered to make up the false documents he might need to get a decent job. Though he was loathe to admit it, his younger brother had always been much better at that than he was, making sure the paper trails didn’t come back to haunt them, and this time they had to be perfect. They were probably only going to get one shot at this, after all.

Yeah, no pressure there.

The older boy smiled nodded in agreement when Sam suggested they call Bobby and ask him to give him a reference. Real ‘proof’ that he could do the job would definitely go a long way to helping his case and getting hired by a current employer. Then once he proved he could do the job, they wouldn’t have to worry about it so much.

“Good idea, Sammy.” He said as he finished packing up their leftover pizza. He still didn’t like the idea of Sam having to get a job too. After all, he was the one supposed to be taking care of his little brother, Sammy shouldn’t have to help support them. But it was too early to argue about that now. Hopefully the extra money wouldn’t be needed once they got settled.

Until then though…

“I’ll be back before midnight, hopefully. Don’t stay up too late.” Dean said, running his fingers warmly through his brother’s hair before he grabbed his keys and jacket and went out.

***

It wasn’t until almost 1am that Dean finally pulled the Impala back into the parking space in front of their motel room. Getting out of the car slowly, moving a hell of a lot more stiffly than his eighteen year old body should and he cursed softly under his breath. Trying not to limp too much, and praying that his brother was already asleep so the younger boy wouldn’t see him returning like this.

He’d spent several hours that night going from one bar to another. Not making nearly as much cash as he’d hoped, because apparently word had spread quickly about him from earlier. Damn hick towns. After five hours he’d only made an extra three hundred dollars. Definitely not enough to even keep them in motel rooms for very long, much less pay for rent or anything while they searched for a place to settle in.

He had just about given up when strangely enough he ran into the guy who he’d given the blow job to earlier in the parking lot. Rather pleased to see him, the man had asked if he was still looking to make some quick cash. He and his friends were looking for some fun. Offering him a hundred bucks a piece to fuck him. There were six of them…

Dean might have been desperate for cash, but not that desperate, and he definitely didn’t do groups. Turning his back on them after turning them down had been a mistake that his father probably would have kicked his ass had he known he’d made. Too bad his dad wasn’t around anymore.

The bottle that connected with the back of his head had dropped him to his knees and there was still quite a bit of dried blood on the back of his head and neck, though he didn’t think it was bleeding anymore. They’d dragged him into the back then and…

At least they’d left the money they promised him afterwards.

Dean cursed again softly as he opened their motel room as quietly as possible. Once more praying that his brother was asleep…

Sam couldn't keep his eyes off the clock. All night since Dean had left he had been counting down the time till midnight, he had made sure he was busy and completed a lot of work but around 11 he got into bed and decided to watch TV. He had let himself drift into a relaxed place knowing that Dean would be home soon, but when 12 came and went he got this awful feeling in the pit of his stomach and sat watching the minutes drag by. He was just about to get up and consider looking for his brother when he heard the car pull up.

He felt relief but had to know his brother was OK so jumped out of bed and ran to the window. What he saw made the sick feeling in his stomach ten times worse and he stood frozen watching his brother struggle towards the room. He couldn't ignore the limp or the way Dean carried himself. He had often questioned how Dean made so much money. As he got older and less naive, as much as he never let himself think it, it was always in the back of his mind. He had no way of knowing except when Dean walked through the door their eyes met, somehow Sam just knew what Dean had spent the night doing.

He felt the anger building in him as he stared at his big brother. Why the fuck would Dean do that to himself? It made him sick to realise that he did it for him, to feed him and give him somewhere to sleep. Sam had never felt such hatred for their dad as he did in that moment for putting Dean in that position and he hated himself for forcing Dean to do that for him. He didn't know if Dean could tell he had figured it out but he still couldn't bring himself to put it into words, "What the hell happened?" He took a step towards his brother and couldn't mistake the smell of sweat and sex and he wanted to be sick as he imagined someone hurting his brother that way and Dean letting them for cash, "How did this happen? Are you hurt?"

Dean hadn’t been prepared to almost literally come face to face with the younger boy when he opened motel door and for a few seconds he froze. Staring at his brother, not knowing what to say, especially when there was far too much knowledge in the younger boy’s eyes.

The older boy flinched a little when Sam demanded quite bluntly to know what happened. He cursed himself for it afterwards, but at least it freed him from his momentary paralysis.

He looked away from his brother as came inside and shut the door behind him. Stepping away from the younger boy and shrugging off his jacket. Throwing it over the back of a chair, not letting himself move like an old man even if that’s exactly what he felt like right now. Almost every muscle in his body aching from the rough hands that had gripped him and held him down.

“Just a little ‘disagreement’, Sammy. I’m fine. It’s just a few bruises.” He said with a shrug. The lie falling surprisingly easy from his lips as he tossed down his keys on a table, followed by the thick wad of cash he’d ‘earned’.

“I’m gonna take a shower. You should get to bed. I told you not to stay up to late. We’ve got a lot to do tomorrow.” He told the younger boy, still avoiding Sam’s eyes however, as he made his way across the room to the bathroom. Refusing to let himself limp no matter how much it hurt to move.

Sam could feel his anger grow at how his brother tried to hide how much he was hurt and how he tried to brush it off as nothing of importance, he could feel the tears building behind his eyes as his brother avoided his gaze. He really just wanted to see that Dean was OK and fix any injuries and hold on tight to him and stop him getting hurt ever again.

For a brief moment Sam almost believed that Dean had just got into a disagreement but then he saw the large sum of money his brother had and felt his stomach sink. The money somehow confirmed all his thoughts, sure Dean always came back with money but Sam just knew his brother was lying, if it had been a simple fight he wouldn't lie. He felt numb as his worst fears were confirmed and sick at the thought that someone had hurt Dean this way, he barely heard what his brother said just saw he was trying to walk away from him.

"Don't lie to me," his voice was void of any emotion as he stared at his brothers back.

He should have just kept walking. Pretending he didn’t hear the younger boy. Instead Dean froze, a shiver passing through him like an arctic wind and his stomach fell down somewhere near the center of the earth.

Dean knew he should turn around. Say... something. Order his pain in the ass little brother to get back into bed like he told him, and force him to just drop it. This was NOT something Dean ever wanted to talk about. Or even think about. Certainly not to his little brother, who shouldn’t be so fucking... Who should still be innocent enough that he had no idea what had happened to his big brother, instead...

Finally Dean turned to look at the younger boy and his stomach dropped just a little further along with his heart.

He could tell that Sam was angry... pissed off was more like it. But what the hell was Dean supposed to say? Yeah, Sam, you’re right, I’m not ok. I just got raped by six guys, but they paid me for it afterwards, so its all good...

Fuck...

“I said go to bed.” He finally said, his voice just as blank as his brother’s had been. Not denying it. He just couldn’t lie directly to Sam’s face. Sam would know. His brother would know for sure then, and he wouldn’t burden the younger boy with that knowledge. Ever.

Dean turned away again then and continued to the bathroom quickly, not stopping this time. Trying not to slam the door behind him, he locked it quickly, and sagged back against it. Trying to keep himself from shaking. Trying but failing to stop the tears sliding down his cheeks.

Sam stared at the door for a few moments and could feel himself shaking, he didn't deny it, it was true, his brother had sex for money to support him, someone had hurt his brother probably made him.....

Sam stumbled to his bed pulling his clothes on with fingers that felt too numb, it was all his fault, his brother was trying to give him a life he wanted and this was the sacrifice Dean made. He couldn't even help his brother now he was hurt, he just messed it up, he was a useless waste of space. He looked long and hard at the money before slipping quietly out the door, maybe it was time he made some of his own sacrifices for this family instead of just being the burden.

He walked quickly in the direction of a bar that was close to closing time, he felt numb as he walked towards it. He tried to ignore the nervous feeling clawing inside of him, he could do this, Dean was probably younger than he was now the first time....... It made him feel sick and the tears threatened again but he swallowed them down, he always complained and all the time Dean was having to...

He couldn't handle the images bouncing around his head and walked round the back of the bar deciding at the last minute he just couldn't do this, he knew it made him selfish and the guilt grew in him. He let out a growl and kicked one of the stacked dustbins the tears finally falling, he hated his life so much.

He wasn't expecting anyone to find him here and was shocked when a familiar voice spoke, "hiya cutey, why the tears, you and the boyfriend have an argument?"

Sam looked in shock as the guy from the library got out of his car and stood leaning against it he felt frozen with fear as he realised the guy must have followed them, he suddenly felt stupid for ever leaving the motel.

The guy had a smirk on his lips, "don't look so surprised, i was hardly going to let you get away without a fight, especially when i saw the lap dance you gave that boyfriend of yours."

Sam's confusion clouded his fear for a moment and he whispered, "boyfriend?"

The guy moved closer now and Sam backed up wanting to go back to the motel but not seeing an easy escape, "yeah the hot blond thing, with the cool car, i would ask you both to join me but something tells me he doesn't share you, or does he?" He was cornered now and he felt hysterical laughter escape as he realised the guy had watched them in the car and had followed them and he thought they were lovers.

The guy was too close now and he wondered if he would live to regret this but he just smiled, " well if your that friendly with him, your worth the effort, don't look so scared kid I'm not into forcing people to do anything, I'm more of a businessman"

Sam breathed a sigh of relief as the guy climbed into his car but made sure he was back enough so the guy couldn't suddenly drag him inside but he started the engine and held a card out for him, "if you want to make some good money kid, i can help you out, you have one of those faces that would sell well." Sam wanted to tell him to fuck off that he was a sick pervert, but then he thought of the wad of money his brother had earned and wondered if he should do this, it was just sex, Dean did it. He took the card and looked at it for a few seconds before pocketing it, feeling dirty just for having the card.

The guy smiled then and he seemed almost sympathetic, "look kid I know how hard life on the streets can be and there are worse ways to make money, believe me i know, i get that your scared but i would give you 600 big ones and i would make it good, what do you say?"

Sam stepped back from the car and shook his head feeling horrified but stopped when he thought of the money, maybe Dean wouldn't do it anymore if he got some too, maybe they could just put all this behind them, maybe the guy wouldn't hurt him. He was just taking a step towards the car when someone was headed towards the back of the club, probably a bartender still it spooked the guy and he winked at Sam, "call me cutey." then he drove off.

Sam stared into space feeling himself shaking hard, he had been so close to going, he knew he should move before some stranger found him or before Dean realised he was gone but he couldn't wrap his head around what had just happened, what he had almost done.

Once he pulled himself together a little Dean took a long hot shower. Almost too hot, the water close to scalding. He scrubbed at his skin raw, washing away dirt and worse from his flesh. Leaving a few red scratches along his skin in the process but he decided that losing a few layers of flesh was worth it if he could forget the feeling of those bastards hands on him.

By the time he finished he felt better. If that was even the right word. At least he felt he could face his little brother and look him in the eye again.

Dean wrapped a towel around his waist. Hoping his brother had done what he told him and gone to bed. They could talk in the morning, but when he opened the bathroom door Dean felt himself go cold and stood frozen in place for the second time in under an hour.

Sam was gone…

Panic flooded him, making it hard to think, to even breathe. Moving on pure instinct he quickly threw on clothes, grabbed his keys, and ran out the door.

“Sam!” He shouted his brother’s name at the top of his lungs but he knew it was too much to hope that the younger boy was nearby, would hear him, would come back to him… He couldn’t believe Sam had left… left him…

He had to find him… Where did he even start looking? Sam could have gone anywhere… in any direction… He would find him, damn it!

Jumping in the Impala Dean started the car and started driving back towards the town. Sam hadn’t been gone long. He couldn’t have gotten far. At this time of night everything was closed and there was no one walking the streets. No sign of his brother.

When he came upon the first bar, he wasn’t sure why he stopped. It was one of the only places left open. He was desperate. Maybe his brother had gone inside. Maybe someone had seen him at least. He pulled into the parking lot just as he saw another car pulling out from near the back of the bar. He wouldn’t have given a damn except at the last moment he recognized the driver…

Oh god no…

Dean stopped the car with a screech of tires, jumping out almost before he remembered to put it into park, his heart pounding so hard in his head he couldn’t hear anything else. Never in his life had he been so afraid of what he might find. Or not find…

Sam… please god, Sam…

When his eyes finally fell on his little brother standing in the alley, saw the boy looking a bit shell shocked, but otherwise fine. Dean could have wept with relief.

“Sam!”

A second later he had his brother in his arms. Practically crushing the younger boy against his chest but he didn’t care. He refused to let go.

Sam didn't hear anything or notice the person coming towards him he was still in shock, so when he felt someone wrap around him he assumed the guy had changed his mind and panicked. He let out a yell and twisted madly to get out of the embrace, "let go of me, i don't want to, please don't."He tried to focus to remember how to escape holds when the guy refused to let go.

Then his senses started coming back and he recognised the scent of the person holding him, his tears blinded him too much to see his brother but that scent of home told him it was him and he stopped struggling asking in confusion, "Dean?"

He didn't wait for a response just held onto his brother tight letting the feeling of safety wrap around him, he could feel himself slipping into that place of almost sleep despite hearing his brother talking to him. He just wanted to block everything out, it took him all his strength to stay standing as he leaned into his big brother.

When his little brother started to scream and thrash, trying to break out of his hold, Dean felt like he’d been sucker punched. He had absolutely no idea what to do. Sam was panicking, and Dean was close to freaking out himself. Though he tried desperately to remain calm, for Sammy’s sake.

“Sammy, its me. Sam...” He repeated over and over, refusing to let go of his brother because if he did and Sam ran he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to keep up with the younger boy the state he was in. So he held on, even though it tore his heart to shreds as he listened to the terrified boy crying and beg to be let go... please don’t...

Oh god, what had that bastard done to his brother? He was going to kill him. No question. He was going to hunt that mother fucker down and gut him like a fish.

It seemed an eternity before his brother finally stopped struggling, though he knew in reality it couldn’t have been too long or someone would have come out by now and saw him struggling with the younger boy. And getting the wrong idea... Still, even if it was only a minute or two, every second Sam had fought against him in terror was sheer agony. But when he finally heard his brother whisper his name, the tears Dean had been fighting against spilled freely down his face.

“Yeah, Sammy. I’m here. Its me...” He confirmed softly, nearly choking on his words, and as Sam melted against him he crushed the younger boy even tighter to his chest. His anger and fear forgotten for a moment as relief swept over him leaving him feeling weak. But he couldn’t be weak right now. Sammy needed him to be strong.

When he felt the younger boy sag against him even more, Dean practically having to hold him upright, he wasted no time lifting his brother into his arms like he weighed nothing at all. Carrying Sam back to the impala and getting into the drivers seat with him, cradling his little brother in his lap and not caring in the least how awkward it was. It wasn’t a long drive back to the motel anyway, and he couldn’t let go of the boy now even if his life depended on it.

The drive back to the motel was silent, and that was probably a good thing. When they pulled into the parking space in front of their room, Dean got out with his brother still held carefully in his arms and took Sam inside. Locking and bolting the door and carrying his little brother over to his bed and laying him down gently. Finally forcing himself to release the boy, even though it felt a little like cutting his arms off to do so. But he had to make sure Sam was ok.

Sam didn’t look like he’d been hurt, and his clothes weren’t torn or mussed but still... the way he’d acted when Dean found him.

“Sammy, look at me?” He whispered gently, tilting his brother’s face up to look at him. His thumbs lightly caressing the younger boy’s cheeks trying to wipe away the signs of his tears. He could feel fear and anger once more coiling in his gut like hot and cold serpents, but he pushed the feeling away for now. Trying to radiate only love and concern.

“Are you alright?” He asked, his voice growing a little darker in spite of himself when he forced himself to ask his next question. “Did he hurt you?”

He felt like he was in a bubble and couldn't quite take in what was happening around him, he could tell when they got into the car but the next thing he knew he was being laid down on the bed and Dean was pulling away. He felt himself tense and let out a whimper, he wanted Dean close, when he wasn't everything seemed too real.

He felt relief as Dean stayed close but then he was talking to him, making him look at him and Sam couldn't, he couldn't meet his brothers eyes. The strange thing was he didn't know what he was most ashamed of, the fact that he hadn't earned that money or that he had almost gone with that guy to... An image of him under that guy crying out in pain entered his head ,"oh god," the groan he let out didn't sound like him and he didn't really hear Deans questions. The realisation that it was his brothers appearance that spooked the guy made his stomach lurch because if Dean hadn't of come looking right now he would probably be....

The image in his head of that guy doing that kind of thing to him had him retching, he cursed his imagination as a clear image of his big brother being treated that way by similar guys entered his head. He don't know how he managed to stumble to the bathroom but he found the toilet before he started to dry heave.

Someone had hurt his brother and Dean let them, just for money and he couldn't make the same sacrifice, Dean had probably made that sacrifice at his age and had been doing it for years, guys like that one with his brother and Sam doubted they all made it good like that guy had promised.

It was that thought that made him lose the contents of his stomach.

“Sam...” Dean tried to get his brother to answer him. At least to look at him. But it was like his brother didn’t even hear him even though it was obvious that Sam knew he was there. He’d said his name after all. Clung to him. But Sam wasn’t answering him and he was steadily becoming panicked again despite how he tried desperately to hold himself together for his brother’s sake. “Sammy, please...”

Then suddenly his brother was groaning as though he were in pain, and Dean swore he felt his heart stop as the younger boy wrenched away from him suddenly and ran for the bathroom.

“Sam!”

He ran after his brother. His heart twisting even more painfully in his chest if it was even possible as he watched his brother bent over the toilet retching painfully. Dean was at his brother’s side in an instant. Supporting Sam. Kneeling behind the younger boy and wrapping his arms around Sam’s waist. Needing Sam to know he was there. His hands gently running over his brother’s stomach. Along his back.

“Its ok... its ok, Sammy... I’m here... its ok...” He whispered over and over into the younger boy’s ear. Not knowing what else to do, feeling completely helpless right now, he simply held on to Sam, refusing to let his little brother go.

He felt his stomach relax as Deans warm hands rubbed his stomach gently, he crossed his arms across the toilet seat and rested his forehead against them trying to get control of himself but he couldn't escape the thoughts in his head. He could hear Dean trying to reassure him, his big brother sounded so scared and worried and Sam couldn't grasp why he was worried about him, he wasn't the one that was hurt.

He wanted to tell Dean that, wanted to shout at him for getting himself hurt and for not letting him help, he wanted to make Dean promise never to do it again, wanted to threaten his brother that he would start doing it too if he did but he couldn't. All his words died in his throat and he realised how he was too young to make Dean listen to him, he couldn't help his brother, couldn't lighten the burden.

The choked sob escaped his throat and he could feel his whole body shake as he cried into his arms, even now Dean was having to comfort him when he was the one hurt. He managed to choke out, "I'm fine, just let me get cleaned up", he didn't want his brother to hold him and comfort him he didn't deserve it, everything in him screamed out to turn into his brother and take comfort in his arms but he didn't deserve that, his brother was hurt because of him. He didn't deserve comfort when he never gave any to Dean, not when he needed it, he willed Dean to leave him alone, he couldn't be near him right now, Dean deserved a better brother.

Dean was sure he’d never felt so helpless in his entire life. Not even earlier tonight, the first real time he’d truly been taken against his will. When the pain had become so much that he’d silently started begging for his father to come save him. When he’d bitten his lip savagely to keep from screaming, at least until they covered his mouth to silence him, though it hadn’t stopped his tears of pain and humiliation… Watching his little brother fall apart in front of his eyes was worse.

Having no idea what to say, what to do, to possibly make it better… better… he almost wanted to laugh at that word. How could anything get better now? The idea that Sam, his baby brother, might have gone through the same thing that Dean had tonight… The idea made the older boy want to retch violently too, it made him want to cry and scream and curse the whole fucking world, it made him want to go kill something, someone…

But he had to remain calm, he had to remain in control, for Sammy…

Sam’s soft choked words that he was ‘fine’ offered the older boy absolutely no reassurance. He knew they were also a dismissal. Sam wanted him to leave… like hell. So Dean pretended to play dumb, even as he nodded silently, pressing a soft gentle kiss to the back of his brother’s neck before he helped the younger boy to his feet. Turning his brother around so he could lean against the wall for support if he needed to, but Dean didn’t step away afterwards.

Instead taking the younger boy’s hands in his. Looking intently at Sam’s hands, wrists, and arms. His brother’s fingers were not scraped raw and none of his fingernails were broken, at least no more than any normal fourteen year old boy’s hands might be, like he’d been in a fight. There were no bruises around his brother’s wrists in the shape of fingers like there were around Dean’s wrists. No scratches, cuts, or bruises on his arms.

Dean wanted to feel relieved, but he wasn’t satisfied yet. Trying to keep his expression calm and reassuring looking into his brother’s eyes as he slowly lifted up the bottom of Sam’s t-shirt. Exposing the younger boy’s stomach and the tops of his hips to his gaze. Again, there were no marks. No bruises in the shape of handprints from cruel fingers. Dean ran his fingers over the soft skin, checking for tender spots just to be sure, and marveling a little just how pale his brother’s skin was compared to his own hands that still looked almost dirty in comparison even after his shower. How soft the flesh was, baby soft, compared to his own callus rough hands.

Again the idea of someone with rough hands like his putting them on his brother almost made Dean see red, but he tried to control his anger as he looked back up into the younger boy’s eyes.

“I saw that man tonight, Sam.” Dean said carefully. Staring at Sam intently. He’d already asked more than once, and this time he needed an answer from the younger boy, or he wasn’t sure what he might do. “Did he touch you? Did he… hurt you?”

Sam felt the soft kiss against his neck and sighed, he should have known Dean would never leave him, not when he was like this. He struggled to his feet and gladly leaned into the wall feeling bone tired still unable to meet his brothers eyes he watched Deans hands instead. The careful inspection made his heart clench painfully as he realised what Dean was looking for.

The soft fingers against his hips made him shiver despite everything and he allowed himself to enjoy that touch, too tired to question what that meant or if it was wrong. He wanted to run his hands over Deans skin and check every bruise and mark and try to make them better somehow but he knew Dean would stop him.

Sam stared at Dean in surprise as he spoke of seeing that man and he felt the guilt and shame hit him, making him look back at his hands again, "I'm not hurt," he knew he sounded robotic and lifeless, "he offered money, i tried but......." his voice died and he shook his head closing his eyes, "I'm sorry."

He tried to move past his brother, "lets get some sleep."

Relief was so short lived that Dean barely felt it at all before his entire body went cold and numb at once because of his little brother’s words.

He offered me money… I tried…

Dean closed his eyes, pain washing over him making him feel weak. Dizzy. He actually had to put his hands against the wall beside the younger boy to keep from falling over. Breathe heavily through his nose to keep from being violently ill.

His eyes snapped open again at the younger boy’s apology. Apology. Sam was actually apologizing to him for not going with that sick pervert? For not selling himself? Oh god… the idea that if he hadn’t found his brother right then, that his little brother might right now be in that fucker’s car. In his bed. That bastard touching…

Dean gripped the younger boy’s arms hard, refusing to let his brother push past him, pressing Sam against the wall. His eyes a mixture of fury and agony, and he didn’t even realize there were tears falling down his cheeks as he took the younger boy’s face in one hand and forced Sam to look at him.

“No. Do you hear me? No. Never. I don’t want you to ever even think about doing something like that again! Do you understand me Sam! Never!”

His brother was suddenly so close it took his breath away and all he could do for some time was to stare into Deans eyes sighing softly at the way his hand cradled his face. He reached out to gently wipe away Deans fallen tears with his thumb listening to Deans words and the angry command in them. He felt anger coil in his stomach, he did not take commands well especially ones that were 'do as i say not as I do' commands.

He could feel the nasty remark on his lips but bit down hard on his tongue to hold it in, his brother was upset and the last thing he wanted was to hurt him anymore, so he didn't speak just then. He felt so tired and so much older than 14 as he thought about what had happened tonight, what could have happened. He didn't really think about what he was doing otherwise he would have stopped himself before he leaned into his brother, placing soft gentle kisses where the tears had fallen. He knew he run the risk of having this thrown back in his face for years to come but he needed to show his brother that he loved him before he said what he had to say.

He didn't want to hurt Dean but his brother got things so twisted sometimes, why was it OK for Dean to be hurt so bad but not himself?, he pulled back to look at his brother wanting him to see his eyes. He tried to show his love through his eyes knowing his words might push Dean away, "I can't promise that Dean."

The surprisingly gentle touch to his face made Dean pause. The soft kisses to his cheek made his eyes flutter closed and the cold fist that was wrapped around his heart loosen just a little. Before his brother’s words made it clench again so tightly he swore he felt his heart rupture inside of his chest. Swore that if he looked down he would find a bleeding wound where it should be.

Dean looked at the younger boy like he’d never seen him before in his life. If he was capable of thinking more clearly he might have said ‘Christo’ just to be sure his brother wasn’t fucking possessed somehow, but he couldn’t really think at all as he stumbled away from Sam. His legs barely holding him. Staring at his brother like the younger boy had just jammed a knife into his heart. Not all that far from the truth.

Why was Sam doing this to him? Was his brother truly that angry at him for what he’d done? What had been done to him…? Did Sam really hate him that much that he would… whore himself… just to get back at him?

That didn’t make any sense, but then again, when had anything in their fucked up lives? All Dean really knew was that he had failed. Spectacularly. He’d failed to protect his brother. He’d failed to give Sam the life he wanted, the life he deserved, before he even was able to try. What kind of a fucking worthless brother was he? Why couldn’t he do even this…?

“Get your things together.” Dean finally whispered, not looking at his brother. If he was capable he would have been shocked how devoid of life his own voice sounded, but he was beyond caring about himself or his own feelings in the slightest. It was time he started thinking about what was best for his brother, and obviously, that wasn’t him. He couldn’t take care of Sam. He couldn’t protect him. He had to find someone who could.

He was going to take Sam to Pastor Jim. He knew the older hunter would take his brother in. Take care of him. Dean could leave Sam there and know he would be safe. He’d rather never see his brother again then see him hurt like that.

Sam felt his chest tighten as Dean pulled away from him, looking at him like he was a stranger and he tried to reach out to him but changed his mind at the last second his brothers name dying on his lips. He knew he had screwed up and hadn't explained it right but now all his words died in his throat as he watched his brother trying to deal with what he had said.

He felt an icy chill work it's way through his body at Deans words and his expression and he knew his voice was shakey, "why Dean?"

He had an awful feeling building inside of him and knew he wasn't going to like the answer.

Why…

For maybe the first time Dean actually understood why Dad had gotten so angry at Sam when the boy constantly questioned before doing anything he was told. The older boy stood with his back pressed against the sink. His hands tightly gripping the porcelain to hold himself up. It was about the only thing that was holding him up right now. Everything… everything was falling apart, and Sam was asking him 'why'?

Dean closed his eyes tightly. He didn't know whether he felt more like laughing or crying.

The only thing he really knew right now was he wasn't going to let Sam do this. He wasn't going to let his little brother, his fourteen year old little brother, even think about turning himself into a whore like… like Dean had… to help support them.

It wasn't even all that often that Dean did it, and this was the first time an 'offer' had gone ugly. He'd never meant for Sam to find out, and he never meant to keep doing it if he could get a decent job to support them... He knew the younger boy wouldn't take it well… but he never thought that Sam would try to punish him… teach him a lesson or something… by letting the same thing happen to him. No. He wasn't going to let it happen. He didn't care what he had to do to make sure it didn't. He wasn't going to let Sam be touched that way. Hurt that way. For any reason, god damn it!

"I'm taking you to live with Pastor Jim."

Sam felt like his stomach had fallen away at Deans words and he struggled to breathe, dean was sending him away, he didn't want him anymore. He felt numb as he tried to piece together how they had got here, the only explanation he could find was that Dean was sick of him. He had freaked out after what happened tonight and his brother had decided it was too much to put up with.

He didn't look at his brother as he walked out of the bathroom, not really aware of what he was doing, just knowing he wasn't going to break down and cry, he couldn't cry. Dean was sending him away and he would probably never come back to see him, he would be glad to be free of him. He dropped onto the bed curling into a protective position wanting to shut every thought and feeling out as he hugged his knees to his chest.

As he moved his head to get comfortable it brushed against a piece of paper and he saw his to do list, the list with his and Deans future plans, plans that were over now, Dean didn't want him anymore.

Sam buried his head into his knees and let the first sob escape, the numb feeling no longer protecting him.

Dean stayed in the bathroom for a long time. Trying to pull himself together, though it seemed an impossible task at the moment. Trying to pick his heart up from the floor that felt like it had been ripped out and stomped on.

Of course, always keeping an ear out for the sound of the outer door opening. That Sam might try to leave again. Before tonight he’d never been afraid of his brother leaving, at least not the way he was now. Of what the younger boy might do… Now he couldn’t stop thinking about it, and that was why he knew this was what he had to do.

Pastor Jim might not be a rich man by any means, but he was a good man. One of the best Dean ever had the chance to know. They’d stayed with him more than once when their Dad left on especially dangerous hunts. He knew the older, now retired, hunter would never turn his little brother away. He could take care of the younger boy better than Dean ever could.

Dean had already screwed up so much. The thought of living without Sam was killing him, but so was the thought of Sammy going out and getting himself hurt. Like he had been hurt. Like he was still hurting… Christ… he couldn’t believe it had only been a few hours… funny how everything could turn to shit so fast. But then that was Dean’s ‘gift’. Fucking things up beyond repair in record time. He’d certainly fucked his brother up, that Sam had actually gone and tried to…

The older boy closed his eyes tightly. Fighting against the waves of misery that threatened to break him completely. He could break down once he knew Sam would be all right. He wasn’t actually sure where he finally found the strength to move, probably from the same reserves he’d draw on during a hunt if it went bad.

Like the time that harpy had ripped a hole in his side big enough he was practically holding in his guts while he continued trying to shoot the thing down. Finally succeeding, but almost bleeding out while he stumbled back towards the car where Sam was waiting for them. Thankfully Dad had finished with the rest of the nest and had come looking for him or he might have just bit it right then and there. But Dad wasn’t around anymore to catch him and patch him up. He was left wounded stumbled around on his own this time, and he just had to deal with it.

Dean tried not to look at the boy curled up on the bed, sighing softly but unable to feel any irritation that Sam hadn’t started packing his things like he told him to. Dean just started doing it himself. Stoically throwing clothes and other things into their respectful duffels. Knowing he had to do this now before his resolve wavered. Ignoring the way every move he made hurt for a variety of reasons. It was a strange feeling, feeling so cold and numb but hurting so much at the same time.

When the older boy started picking up the various papers they’d been looking at earlier, information on houses and schools, possible jobs for himself, he felt his hands start to shake. His vision blurring with tears he fought to hold back.

As he crumbled up the first papers and threw them in the trash he felt something break inside of him. Felt himself stumble and sit down heavily on the edge of the bed. Staring at his trembling hands like they didn’t even belong to him. Tears falling down his face as he listened to his brother cry but unable to comfort him.

Sam lay trying to control his tear feeling panic crawl at his chest when his brother started to gather his things, he was really going to leave him with someone else. Despite the pain he felt a spark of anger, they all left him, even Dean, he thought of something he had once heard his dad telling uncle Bobby and decided he wasn't going. If Dean didn't want him anymore he couldn't decide what happened to him anymore, he would do fine on his own he didn't need anyone, he stood up and gathered his stuff together, "I'll sort myself out, not your problem anymore."

He was shaking as he gathered the rest of his stuff, he had never seen his brother look so defeated or crushed, "i did that," the thought made him freeze to the spot. He could understand why Dean wanted him gone all he did was hurt people, he always argued with dad and pushed him and now he had broken Dean, he wanted to wrap around his brother and hold him tight but he knew that wouldn't be welcome.

"Don't leave me," the words escaped before he realised he was going to say them.

It made him realise how terrified of losing his brother he was and he crossed the room in seconds wrapping around his big brother awkwardly, his words coming in a rushed whisper, "please don't leave me, I'm sorry, please don't, I'll be good, I wont argue I'll do what you say, i promise, just don't make me leave, I'm so sorry."

He wasn't above begging despite knowing it wasn't fair, Dean didn't want him as a burden but Sam was too selfish to let him go, he needed Dean and couldn't imagine a happy life without him, "please Dean I need you."

He hated himself for not being strong enough to let Dean walk away and have the life he wanted but he couldn't let him go without a fight.

Dean didn’t, couldn’t, look up when Sam got up and began finishing the job that he had started. Packing up the younger boy’s things. Even his brother’s angry words, telling him he was not his ‘problem’ anymore didn’t make the older boy so much as flinch even though they hit him like a fist. He was simply too frozen, too numb, too dead inside to show any outward reaction.

Don’t leave me…

At first Dean wasn’t sure if the words were real or his imagination. What he so desperately wanted to hear… But when the younger boy all but threw himself at him he had his answer. They fell back together on the bed and Dean felt his heart finally lurch to life in his chest. It took only one heartbeat for him to wrap his arms tightly around the younger boy. Dragging him closer. Practically crushing Sam against his chest, and holding onto his brother so tightly Sam might have had trouble breathing but he simply couldn’t let go.

“Sam… Sammy… shhh… It’s ok… shh…” Dean whispered, threading his fingers through his brother’s hair, petting, as he cradled the younger boy’s head and rained kisses all over his face. Tasting Sam’s tears as well as his own. Pressing soothing kisses to the younger boy’s forehead, cheeks, chin, even lips as he continued to whisper words of comfort and apology in the same breaths. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, Sammy… It’s ok… I need you too… I just can’t… can’t see you hurt… I’m sorry…”

Any fear Sam had that Dean would just drop his ass on the floor and still leave him, melted away as he felt his brothers strong arms hold him tight, so tight he could barely breathe, not that he cared one little bit. He felt whole again, for a very short time he had realised just how it would feel to not be able to reach Dean and it had made him feel like he was cut in half, he never wanted to feel that way again. His brother was everything.

The gentle way his brother kissed him and stroked his hair made him feel so loved and cherished, those gentle words melted away the numb feeling completely, he just held onto Deans shoulders unable to process the feelings rushing through him. Love mixed with sorrow, guilt, joy, helplessness, safe, an intense feeling of need and want like he never felt before making him press closer to his brother. The feeling was so intense that when his brothers lips pressed gently to his own, he wrapped his hands around his neck holding him close as he pressed his own lips back gently against his brothers, seconds too long for it to be considered brotherly.

Before he could think too much on it, Dean whispered words hit home and Sam felt his heart skip a beat as he realised why Dean was so upset, "he didn't want me hurt," he should have realised, sometimes for a smart guy he was damn slow. He needed to make it right, chase away his brothers fears, "not your fault, I'm so sorry Dean.....won't happen again," his voice was rough as he whispered the words breathing the same air as his brother.

His fingers stroked the soft hair at the top of Deans neck and he gently pressed his lips to his brothers again, that intense feeling not leaving him, but he pulled away quicker this time whispering against his lips, "don't want you hurt either." He traced his brothers face with his fingers, his eyes following their journey, he knew he would never get to touch Dean so tenderly once the chick flick moment passed, so he took advantage of this moment. Besides he really just needed to reassure himself Dean was there and not leaving.

He was too focused on memorising Deans face to realise he whispered his thoughts out loud, "would rather die than see you hurt that way, your everything to me."

When his little brother’s hands stilled him, bringing their lips together and pressing for a longer kiss, the older boy’s lips parted a little with a soft gasp. An almost inaudible moan escaping before he could stop it.

Of course he’d kissed before, and been kissed. But he was completely unprepared for thrill and the feeling of heat that flowed into him from that one point of contact. Pooling into his stomach and warming him from the inside out.

God… Sam’s lips were like the sweetest, most forbidden fruit, he’d ever tasted…

His brother’s words pulled him out of where his thoughts definitely should not be. Sam’s attempts to offer him comfort and reassurance, even though that wasn’t the younger boy’s job. It should be him reassuring Sam, not the other way around. But he couldn’t bring himself to protest. Not when the feeling of his brother’s soft breath against his lips, the gentle fingers stroking through his hair making him feel so weak. So warm. So loved…

Tonight had been bad. In so many ways, but right in this moment he knew he could forget all of it, because this was all that mattered. Just him and Sam. His lips tingling, almost aching, for another touch. Another taste of that sweet… innocence…

“Sammy…” He breathed his brother’s name like it was a prayer, but if it was it wasn’t a prayer to god but Sam himself. Because this boy held his life, his heart, his soul in his hands. Sammy could either hold him together or shatter him completely if he wanted to. There was no one he loved or trusted more on this earth. No one he needed more.

Before he let himself think, before he let himself consider the consequences, or right and wrong. Before they both had to face ‘reality’ again, Dean found himself closing the space between their lips one final time. Slanting his mouth over the younger boy’s and kissing him with infinite tenderness. His tongue gently stroking over the softness of his brother’s lips for just one more taste of the forbidden.

A small whimper escaped his throat as his brothers lips found his again and he tightened his hold on Dean, sliding his hands into his brother hair, trying to press closer. The feel of his brothers tongue made him gasp softly his mouth falling open in a low moan as his own tongue came to meet Deans. He couldn't think through the feelings rushing through him so just let himself fall into his brother as the kiss deepened, he was unable to think if this was right or wrong just that it felt so right and good.

It was his first real kiss, Deans mouth was hot and perfect and Sam never felt so close to him yet still needed to feel closer. He could feel his body responding to the slow kiss and tried to relieve the tension by pressing against his brothers stomach too far gone to be embarrassed that Dean would feel him.

Another moan escaped as his tongue found Deans and suddenly he understood why people kissed this way because his whole body was on fire with intense want and desire and a feeling he couldn't place, he just knew he never wanted this moment to end.

Dean wasn’t sure if it was the sound of his brother’s whimpering moan, or the gentle touch of the younger boy’s tongue. How he caressed that slick muscle with his own or how his tongue delved even further into his brother’s mouth seeking out even more of Sam’s sweet taste, deepening their kiss. If it was the firm press of his brother’s growing arousal against his stomach, or how his own cock twitched in response. Or maybe it was how his hand had slid down the younger boy’s body. Exploring. Caressing. To gently cup his brother’s hip and pull him even closer.

Maybe it was all of those things, or none of them, but Dean was remembering not so much what he was doing or who he was doing it with, because he’d never really forgotten that. He’d was simply remembering how wrong it was, no matter how right or good it might feel. How the hell he could have forgotten in the first place, he wasn’t sure. But he hadn’t stopped that old pervert from molesting his fourteen year old little brother just so that he could do the same.

Still, the older didn’t pull away as quickly or as far as he probably should have. Ending their kiss slowly, pulling their mouths apart but resting his forehead against the younger boy’s. His eyes still closed, breathing hard in spite of himself as he gently eased Sam’s hips back away from him. Easing away temptation that shouldn’t be there in the first place.

“This… isn’t a good idea, Sammy…” Dean finally managed to whisper, licking his lips and holding back a groan when he could still taste his brother on them. He had no wish to hurt his brother’s feelings or made him think that he was upset or angry. Especially since Dean was the one who’d started this. The kissing part, at least.

“I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have… we shouldn’t be doing this…” He tried again, but it wasn’t lost on him that he wasn’t pulling away. That they were still close enough that he could taste the younger boy’s breath on his lips. His hands resting on Sam’s hips keeping them apart but also caressing his brother softly through his clothes. That he was still partially aroused and he knew if he let Sam close to him again, he’d feel the younger boy’s as well.

Sam let out a soft sigh as the kiss ended slowly, the loss of his brothers soft lips made him ache deep inside and he made a soft noise of protest at losing that warm mouth against it and automatically tried to press his lips back against Deans. He felt dazed and unable to focus on much but the need to feel his brother lips on his but he didn't miss the gentle way his brother pushed him away.

It helped to clear his mind and he managed to hear what his brother was saying, he felt a sinking feeling in his stomach and a tightness in his chest, Dean didn't want this. That thought cleared his mind and he closed his eyes not wanting to cry anymore tonight, he didn't want to make Dean feel guilty, his brother had obviously just needed some comfort and it had gone too far. It wasn't Deans fault his baby brother was big pervert that actually enjoyed the kiss and wanted more. He could still feel his erection almost straining to get towards Dean and he felt himself blush with embarrassment. Damn he had actually rubbed against his brother, he wanted to be sick, not because it was wrong, because to him it wasn't but because it was obviously what had made Dean realise they were not on the same page.

Oh and his baby brother was a pervert.

He whispered a soft apology not sure what else to say, "sorry," he could feel the gentle caress of his brother and felt thankful to Dean for not throwing him off his lap, his brother never wanted to hurt him and was being understanding. Still it didn't ease the feeling inside him, he had often felt it when he argued with Dean or dad and later sat remembering what was said, or when he had realised dad wasn't coming home. Only this time the deep ache was ten times worse and it wasn't getting any better.

He wanted to crawl into bed and hide away from the world for a while but he couldn't bring himself to pull away from Dean. his earlier fear of him leaving too fresh in his mind. Instead he let his head drop onto Deans shoulder nuzzling into his brothers warm neck, making sure he kept his body back enough so Dean wouldn't feel him again.

Dean was warm and despite the ache inside and the erection asking for attention and the fact that he had just let on to his brother that he wanted him, he could still feel sleep claiming him. He tried to fight it at first but decided he couldn't face anymore tonight and didn't want to have too look Dean in the eye so soon, so he let himself slip into that place between consciousness and sleep hoping it would look better when he woke up.

He didn't realise he whispered his fears against his brothers neck as he slipped asleep, "don't leave me."

Dean hushed his brother softly when the younger boy apologized.

“No, don’t be sorry, Sammy. It’s alright.” He whispered, pressing a soft kiss to the younger boy’s forehead and sighing softly when Sam nuzzled into his neck. God… They were both much too old to be cuddling together like this, and Sam was much too young for… what they’d almost started. Not to mention Sammy was his brother for god’s sake.

Wrong… To say the least. That was just the tip of the iceberg with what was wrong with… everything…

A part of him didn’t care. A part of him still wanted what had been offered, and he knew he should be drawn and quartered for even thinking of doing something like that to his baby brother. Dean was sure that guilt over the way he’d touched his little brother would hit him hard and fast tomorrow, already it was prowling around in the background like a predator in the dark, ready to strike. But right now, he simply didn’t care.

He was hurting, Sammy was hurting, they both needed comfort and all they had was each other. He didn’t give a damn what other people might think. Other people who couldn’t understand, who had never given them anything only making their lives more difficult. He needed Sam, and Sam needed him. The rest of the world could go to hell for all he cared.

Don’t leave me.

“No, Sammy. No…” Dean almost said never but the tightness in his throat suddenly choked off his words. Because he had almost left Sam. He’d almost left him…

Dean held his brother tighter to him for a moment before maneuvering them into a more comfortable position in the bed. Slowly releasing the younger boy and reassuring quickly before his brother could Sam could worry.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He promised, as he began undressing himself. Pulling off his clothes till he was only dressed in his t-shirt and boxers. Then began to do the same for Sam, as he’d often done when his brother was younger, getting him ready for bed. But Dean didn’t fail to notice the state of arousal his little brother was still in as he unbuttoned and slid down his jeans, and it made stomach clench. His breath growing shallow and his own body responding in a way far from brotherly.

He forced himself to ignore it. Reaching over to turn off the bedside lamp before laying down in the bed next to Sam. Drawing the covers up around them and wrapping his arms around the younger boy tightly. Trying to offer only comfort and doing his best to ignore what else their bodies were seeking from each other. It was a losing battle… He couldn’t stop remembering how hard his brother had been, still was, for him, maybe even uncomfortably so…

Dean blew out a breath through his teeth.

“Sammy… if you want to, take care of… it’s ok…” The older boy finally whispered, swallowing hard. Glad it was dark now so Sam couldn’t see the blush creeping over his cheeks at his ‘offer’. But if Sam needed to take care of himself so that he could sleep…

Sam was pulled out of his sleepy state as his brother moved them onto the bed, his body felt heavy and ready for sleep but he couldn't avoid the way he got even harder as Dean began to undress. He almost moaned when Dean undressed him too his jeans sliding against him as they were removed, he felt himself blush as he knew Dean had seen how turned on he was, he was sure he would never live it down. It was a relief to find Dean wasn't going to make them sleep apart but also difficult, having Dean so close and being so aroused was driving him insane.

He tried hard not to rub against his big brother when he was pulled closer to him, he started to nuzzle his brothers neck again trying to find that sleepy place again and ignore how easy it would be to shift his hips forward to rub against Dean.

His brothers words took a few moments to sink in and he felt his blush deepen, fuck, Dean knew what he was thinking and was giving him the go ahead to take care of it. He took a few deep breaths trying to control himself as he argued over how embarrassing it would be to take care of himself with Dean pressed so close. His need won out in the end and he slowly slid his hand from his brothers hair trying to not think too much, as he slid a hand between their bodies to rub against his erection through his boxers letting out a soft moan against Deans neck.

He hadn't realised just how close he was to Dean, so when he moved his hand back in order to slide into his boxers he was shocked when the back of his hand caressed Deans own arousal through his boxers. He wanted to snatch his hand away, but instead he froze, unsure what to do, he needed to touch himself but was too worried that Dean may think he was trying to touch him up with the accidental touch, so he didn't dare move his hand in any direction.

Sam tried to calm his breathing and decided Dean was almost as turned on as he was, if what he had felt was anything to go by, so he decided there was only one thing that would make this situation less awkward.

His voice sounded hoarse as he whispered into Deans ear, "only if you do too."

Dean bit back a groan at the gentle nuzzling against his neck.

It was innocent. Completely innocent. But it didn’t feel so innocent right now. That probably should have been his first clue just how sick and wrong he was. No, his first clue was how’d he’d let himself kiss his little brother. But he couldn’t bring himself to regret that, no matter how much he knew he should. It had felt like a small slice of heaven when their lives had just been one hell after another lately.

They shouldn’t be sharing a bed right now. Not after that. Not while they were both so… confused… right now. Desperate for… affection, closeness… he didn’t know. Maybe it was just the fear of being separated which drove them to be so close now. Closer than they should be.

He should have just settled the younger boy and moved to his own bed. Or at least made some excuse to return to the bathroom, giving Sam time to take care of himself that way before he returned.

Instead he’d given his brother ‘permission’ to take care of himself here, now, and he felt himself flush with heat when he felt the younger boy’s hand move down his body. Knew exactly when his brother began touching himself because the moan pressed into his neck was almost his undoing. His fingers tightening a little against Sam’s back before he realized what he was doing and forced himself to relax once more. Trying to distance himself from what was happening…

Before his brother moved, brushing against his own erection and Dean’s eyes snapped open. He didn’t dare move, not even to breathe, especially when he felt the almost overwhelming need to press into that hand seeking more than just a brief accidental caress. Then Sam was offering…

“God, Sammy…” He breathed before he could stop himself. Burying his nose into the soft curls of his brother’s hair, trying to let the younger boy’s scent calm him a little, but it only made him burn more. Made him need more. He found his hand slipping away from his brother’s back before he could stop himself. The back of his hand brushing against the younger boys as he covered and squeezed his erection through his boxers. A low groan breaking from his lips that he didn’t bother to muffle.

This was wrong. So damn wrong. He didn’t care one damn bit.

Sam's whole body shivered as Dean said his name, it was a name he called him all the time but he had never said it that way before and it was making it very difficult not to turn and press his lips to his brothers again. Instead he nuzzled against his brothers neck pressing his mouth to the soft skin there and allowing himself to taste Dean as he kissed open mouthed kisses to the one area.

He felt Deans hand brush his own and tried hard not to press against his big brother and demand more, he wanted that hand wrapped around him and those lips on his but he knew Dean didn't want that, he thought it was wrong. So he settled for stroking his own erection through his boxers before sliding his hand inside to wrap around his length, his thumb stroked the end of his hard cock slowly making him moan against his brother neck.

Sam allowed his tongue to run over the skin as he started to slowly stroke himself, trying hard not to come too soon, having Dean so close was making this much more intense than it usually was and he soon got lost in the sensations. His mind was lost in thoughts of them kissing and Dean touching himself this way and of how Deans hand would feel on him and before long he was panting and groaning as he thrust his hips slightly, his brothers name falling from his lips like a chant.

The hot wet kisses to his neck were making him lose his mind. As though he hadn't lost it already, that he was even thinking of doing this. But by now he felt too far gone to worry about the consequences. All he could think about was those sweet kisses. The younger boy's warm panting breaths against his neck as he began to stroke himself. His brother's soft moan of pleasure pressed into his skin.

Dean slid his hand into his boxers, groaning deeply as he wrapped his fingers around his painfully hard cock. His breath hitching a little as he began stroking himself in time to his brother's breaths against his neck. In time to the younger boy's movements on his own flesh. The fingers of his own hand digging a little into his brother's lower back.

Resisting the urge to pull the younger boy up flush against him once more. Though that didn't stop him from thinking about how it would feel to grind their hips together. Their erections sliding against one another trapped between their bodies. Kissing the younger boy breathless and moaning into his brother's mouth as he spilled his seed against the soft flesh of Sam's stomach…

Dear god, he was going to burn in hell for this. There was no doubt in his mind and yet he couldn't give a damn. Because his little brother's sweet moans were making him forget about the obscene noises of pleasure those men tonight had made. The feeling of the younger boy in his arms, those gentle kisses, made him forget about the bruises left behind on his skin. The pleasure they were sharing even though they didn't actually touch each other making him forget about the pain inside of him.

"Yeah, Sammy… That's it… that's it…" Dean encouraged unnecessarily, stroking himself harder. His hips thrusting forward a little of their own accord as he became lost in the sensations, fucking into his own fist. Occasionally, being so close, their hands would touch and it made the elder boy groan and shudder hard.

Sam groaned deeply as his brother began stroking himself, he could feel Deans hand on his back and wanted to feel that hand all over his body burning him like it was now. His mouth sucked at the tender skin under it as his brother urged him on and he let out an embarrassing whimper as he thrust faster into his own fist, his mind and body overcome with the sensations.

He flicked his thumb over the head a few more times before speeding up his hand which was now pressed firmly to his brothers hand making them stroke their cocks in time with each other. Sam tried really hard to stop himself from kissing his brother again, he even bit his brother neck gently, but as he felt his orgasm building he was too overcome with pleasure to resist any more.

His voice was hoarse as he let out a gasp, "Dean, please," then his lips found his brothers letting himself fall into the silky heat of the kiss, that was too much for his teenage body and he shuddered as he felt his balls tightening, his orgasm fast approaching. He held off needing to know it was OK that he had crossed this line, that Dean wouldn't hate him once this was done. Sam ran his tongue over his brothers lips asking for entrance and permission to let go and release his orgasm.

A choked gasp broke from the elder boy’s lips as Sam started sucking on his neck. He tilted his head back giving his brother better access before he really realized what he was doing.

His fingers slowly stroking the soft skin up and down along the younger boy’s spine. His fingers dipping just below the waistband of his brother’s underwear, caressing the swell of the younger boy’s buttocks before he realized what he was doing and stopped. Moving his hand back up with a spike of shame.

He knew should stop this. It had already gone too far. But the sweet sounds of pleasure Sam was making in his ear were driving him insane. He couldn’t think. He didn’t want to think.

“Sam…” Somehow their lips found each other again and Dean was returning the kiss hungrily before he could stop himself. His hand sliding down, cupping the younger boy’s buttocks and dragging his brother firmly against his body. Rocking against the boy as he sucked Sam’s tongue into his mouth.

Sam let out a gasp at how deeply Dean kissed him and a low groan escaped his throat as Dean pulled him against his body, his mind went blank as he released his grip on his cock to grab his brothers hip trying to pull him closer. His body was on fire and his mind lost in the heat and pure need running through him as he rocked hard against his brother trying not to come apart too soon, he wanted this to last forever.

He managed to hold back as they rocked their hips together but the feeling of their erections rubbing together and his brothers hands on his ass was too much for him. With another grind of their hips he was screaming into his brothers mouth his body jerking as the most powerful orgasm ripped through him, his warm seed spilling over them both, leaving him dazed as he continued to rock his hips, riding out his orgasm.

The practically threadbare boxers they were wearing were absolutely no barrier at all between them. He could feel exactly how hard his little brother was, how needy. Their erections sliding against one another. Hot and stiff and so damn good. Too good.

Especially not when he felt his little brother shudder hard and come in his arms, practically screaming into his mouth as their tongues tangled together. Sammy’ seed soaking hot and wet through both their underwear, the feeling so damn erotic Dean felt himself stiffen and come a second after the younger boy.

Swallowing the sounds of pleasure his brother made, thrusting his tongue into the younger boy’s mouth as he wished he could do to his body, and voicing his own as he clutched Sam tightly against him. Helping his brother move against him, drawing out both their pleasure for as long as they could bear it, shuddering and rolling his hips against the younger boy hard.

Until the friction simply became too much for oversensitive flesh, and Dean slowly gentled their movements. Squeezing his brother’s buttocks gently before sliding his hands back up to a ‘safer’ position against the younger boy’s back. Kissing Sam softly now, almost sweetly. Soothing his brother’s soft, slightly swollen lips, with his tongue.

“Sammy…” Dean sighed his little brother’s name softly, in a bit of awe. Even as the full ramifications of how wrong it was, what they’d just done, was already trying to crush down the euphoria of how right it had felt. He forced those feelings away. Simply incapable of dealing with them right now, as he cradled the younger boy against him gently.

Sam wasn't too far gone to know the moment his brother came against him and pulled his older brother even closer moaning deep into his mouth as their tongues did battle. He could barely take the feeling of their bodies sliding together it was too much pleasure, too sensitive, just when he thought he may go insane from the feeling and have to pull away his brother slowed things down.

His skin felt on fire and his brain felt like it was no longer connected to his body but the sweet slow kisses calmed him a little and he tried to focus on his brother as he returned each of those kisses. He moved his hand to gently caress his brothers cheek as he sighed softly against those perfect lips. He never wanted these kisses to end.

He sighed again as Dean whispered his name, he normally hated being called Sammy but Dean had said it like his name was a prayer and he clung even more to his big brother. He knew this was wrong, in every ones eyes maybe even Deans, Sam didn't want Dean to regret this because to Sam it wasn't wrong, it felt completely right and he wasn't sure he could ever give it up.

He snuggled even closer not caring that his boxers were now feeling uncomfortable of that he needed to pee, he couldn't bring himself to move from his brothers arms. He didn't want to be the one that broke this peaceful bubble he didn't want to face the repercussions so soon, so he just snuggled into his brother whispering softly, "love you Dean."

Dean cradled the younger boy gently against his chest, not so differently from when he hugged his brother to him any other time, though unlike any time before his heart was still beating hard and fast from their shared pleasure. His skin covered lightly with a sheen of sweat. The smell of sex heavy between them like it should never be.

The older boy swallowed hard as he brushed one final gentle kiss to the younger boy’s sweet lips. Lips that were a little swollen and bruised from his desperate kisses. Tucking Sam’s head underneath his chin, against his neck, where his flesh still tingled and he knew there’d be a bruise forming if there, wasn’t one already, made by the younger boy’s lips sucking on his flesh.

Dean shivered a little, despite the fact that his flesh still felt flushed like he had a fever. His fingers gently stroking through the younger boy’s tousled hair, the other rubbing small soothing circles against Sam’s bare back. Something he’d done dozens of times in the past, to reassure, to comfort. Innocent affection and love… not so innocent now with the cooling mess of their semen soaked through their underwear, sticking uncomfortably to their skin.

God, he was such a fucking pervert…

His brother’s soft whispered words of love, though they filled his heart with warmth also made it hurt even more, twisting with guilt. Because Sam loved him, trusted him, and he’d taken away a piece of his little brother’s innocence tonight. Touched his body. Tasted his lips. Done everything that sick bastard would have done to his brother tonight, only because Sam loved him, the younger boy let him. Enjoyed it even, maybe even thought it was all right.

“I love you too, Sammy…” The older boy whispered softly into his brother’s hair. And that made it even worse. Because he loved Sam so much, and he’d still done this to him.

Never again. He wouldn’t mess Sam up like this. He wouldn’t. He’d rather cut out his own heart than hurt his brother. He might be able to forgive himself once for this, chalk it up to emotions running too high between them. Forget about it… As long as it didn’t ever happen again.

“We should get cleaned up, get some sleep.” Dean suggested softly, as he gently started to untangle himself from the younger boy.

Sam was drifting in that calm place, he felt boneless and happy, he wasn't a freak becausee Dean had wanted this too. The feelings he had started to get towards his older brother had made him question himself, made him feel disgusted with himself. Only there was nothing disgusting about what he had experienced tonight with Dean, it had felt so right and good and he knew he wasn't alone. These feeling he held for his brother should be wrong, he would be called a freak and up until Deans lips met his and kissed him back, Sam was sure Dean would be the first to push him away if he ever admitted his feelings.

He wasn't alone in this. Dean had wanted him too. It would all be OK.

Dean loved him, those words never failed to warm him throughout and he wondered what Dean thought of all this, was he shocked? how long had his brother felt this way? He wanted to ask these questions but felt to embarrassed to ask his own brother if he had enjoyed that and could they do it again sometime soon. He his a grin against his brothers neck and let himself feel at peace.

Until Dean was pulling away, Sam tried to hold on to his brother not wanting to let go but then the words sunk in, oh Dean wasn't leaving him or pulling away, he just wanted to clean up. Despite everything in him wanting to stay cuddled with Dean he had to agree he was damn uncomfortable so he let go of his brother and rolled out of bed.

His legs felt shaky from the powerful orgasm and he stumbled a little as he tried to walk towards the bathroom, he was unable to hide the grin as he let his gaze fall on his brother for a few seconds before turning away. He knew it was probably stupid to be embarrassed at seeing his brother standing their in his boxers the wet stain proof that Dean had enjoyed it, only it was his first sexual encounter and Dean was no longer just his brother.

Snagging some boxers he stumbled into the bathroom, damn he was never that well co ordinated but his legs were trembling so much he found it difficult to walk. He wet a cloth in the sink deciding a shower could wait til morning, he slowly peeled his sticky boxers off trying to not blush as he knew Dean would have a perfect view of him naked. They had seen each other naked before plenty of times. This time it was different.

He quickly cleaned himself before slipping his boxers on wondering why he suddenly had that strange feeling of nervous anticipation jumping around in his stomach. He moved out of the bathroom to allow his brother in.

"All yours, will get in your bed," he yawned and blushed a little, "the sheets are all crumpled on mine."

He didn't wait for a response just slid in the nice clean bed inhaling his brother scent from the pillow, the feeling wasn't going away and his thoughts were running wild. Things were different now. That was what had this strange feeling bouncing around inside him, he was scared of what would happen, scared of the change. Would they lose the closeness they had as brothers? would Dean even want this?, was it just a one off for him? He refused to think Dean had used him that way but emotions had been running high and.....

His thoughts died when his brother came back into the room, his brother looked guarded and tired at the same time and as if he was torn over something. Sam had a good idea he was that something and felt his stomach drop, he had been an idiot to think......... well just to think anything good. He wanted to ask a hundred questions but right now was not the time. For now he just wanted to be held in his brothers arms, even if it was the last time Dean would touch him. He pulled back the covers in an unspoken invitation and his eyes pleaded with Dean to just come to bed and let them deal with tomorrow when it came.

At first he wasn’t sure if his little brother was even going to let him go, which was both endearing and frustrating on so many levels. As the younger boy held him tighter and tried to snuggle closer, even though it was impossible at this point since they were already pressed as close as they could possibly get, Dean tried to think how he could untangle them, put some distance between them, without hurting his little brother’s feelings. But Sam was making it very difficult for him to think right now about anything except how warm and good he felt in his arms, how perfect he fit there. And he had to remind himself, yet again, how wrong those feelings were despite how right they felt.

But Sam finally released him and slid out of bed, and Dean let out a small sigh of relief, though his heart ached a little at the same time. He pushed the feelings aside as he got out of bed, though he froze when his brother looked back at him. The pleased smile on the younger boy’s face making his whole body flush as Sam’s eyes slid unashamedly over his whole body.

Dear god, this was so fucked up. Sammy should never look at him like that. Like a… like a lover might…

Dean was still frozen in place as he watched Sam go into the bathroom. Leaving the door wide open, giving him an unobstructed view of his brother’s body as Sam slid off his underwear and stood there naked. He’d seen his brother naked so many times, they were brother’s after all living in extremely close quarters, though this was the first time he saw Sam naked and his cock twitched in interest. Filling him with shame.

He was so fucked…

The older boy nodded, almost absently, when Sam finished in the bathroom and let him in. Dean cleaned himself off quickly. Replacing his soiled boxers with clean ones didn’t make him feel any more centered. It only made him feel more lost. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Should never have happened…

He returned to the main room to find Sam waiting for him in his bed. He couldn’t help but stare at his little brother for a long time. Maybe looking for signs of how he’d damaged the younger boy tonight by what he’d done… but Sammy looked the same, and Dean didn’t know whether to be relieved or more worried by that.

Dean let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding when the younger boy lifted up the covers in invitation to him, one he shouldn’t accept, but he couldn’t ignore the pleading in his brother’s eyes. When had he ever been able to really deny Sam anything? Maybe that was part of the problem.

The older boy forced those thoughts from his mind however because he was simply too tired right now to think anymore. He hurt too much physically and mentally. Sam was offering him peace for just a few hours, and selfishly he accepted the offer. Turning off the lights on his way to the bed and sliding in the cool clean sheets beside the younger boy. Not hesitating to gather the younger boy close to him in his arms.

He felt a sigh of relief as Dean slid in next to him, he had been so worried that that Dean would make some excuse and make him sleep alone, he didn't want to be alone. Sam felt torn, he didn't know if he should he hug his big brother he didn't want to push him away, still he really just wanted to be in those big strong arms and feel that warmth wrap around him, he always felt safe with Dean. Right now he was so confused over his feelings and how Dean would handle this and what he would want or not want that right now he didn't feel safe, he felt lost.

He let out a happy and contented sigh as he was pulled into his brothers warmth and snuggled in even closer not wanting to think anymore the lost feeling being chased away by the heat in his brothers embrace. He rubbed his cheek against Deans smiling at the feel of his brothers stubble against his soft skin before rubbing his nose against Deans neck breathing in that familiar scent. He allowed himself to gently kiss the skin there not knowing if he would ever be allowed again and wanting to have what he could right now.

That thought had him pressing even closer and wrapping his body around his older brother so he could not escape, he blocked all his thoughts out and focused on how good he felt right now. He felt warm and safe and loved and as close to Dean as ever, he could feel his mind and body relaxing as he drifted off into a deep sleep mumbling against his brothers neck, "love you, don't leave me," he was in dreams seconds later not knowing if his brother even heard him.