Consciousness returned slowly, in such gradual stages it was difficult for Dean to determine when exactly he was asleep and when he'd woken up. His senses returned slowly one by one.

He became aware of sounds first. Crows making a racket outside in the morning searching for worms. Birds twittering in trees in the afternoon. The wind blowing through the trees outside cracked and broken windows. The old wooden house creaking and groaning with it like an old man. A brook or a stream burbling over stones not far away. A heartbeat, familiar and steady…

Next came smells. He knew whether it was day or night because either the air would smell warm or cool and crisp. Old dust and pollen was heavy in the air and it tickled and itched his nose with every breath. He could smell the musty mattress he was laying on. The stench of old blood a little faint. The smell of some antiseptic ointment stronger. The scent of someone important to him, very important, very near…

Unfortunately touch came next. He felt the broken spring in the mattress jamming him in the ribs where he laid. He felt the tightness of the bandages wrapped around him, practically mummifying him. He felt the pain along his back, but it was a kind of dull throbbing pain rather than the fiery agony he remembered. He felt the old scratchy blanket pulled up to his shoulders. Sometimes he felt soft fingers gently petting through his hair.

Tastes confused him a little when it returned. He tasted the bitterness of the antibiotic medicine first. Then the warmth of the chicken broth and the coolness of the water trickled into his mouth. Lastly, and best, he tasted the sweetness of his lover's lips brushing over his own.

Finally Dean opened his eyes, and he saw Sam.

He had driven for six and half hours before he started hunting for a place to hole up. The animal in him refused to completely subside; it would not be subdued until it was satisfied its mate was safe. In another hour he found an old abandoned farmhouse. Not everything had been taken when the previous owners left. There were some old dishes in the cupboards, a few canning jars filled with unknown substances as well. A broken couch with cushions nibbled on by mice was in what was once the living room, and while there was no bed, there was an old mattress in one room. He could hear the fresh source of water nearby and decided it would due for now.

He carried Dean to the upstairs bedroom and settled him onto the mattress. He pulled down a musty ripped curtain to cover him. He would need to clean the wounds anyhow. There was still time before the sun rose and a town was about a thirty minute drive away. Fuck discreet. They needed clothes, weapons, foods, bandages, and antibiotics. He paused only long enough to splint his arm, and to make sure Dean was resting peacefully, kissing him on the back of the neck and breathing in his scent, the scent of their blood, of Dean's sweat, of his pain…and his love.

He had driven into the sleepy little town and broke in to the small Walmart, glad it wasn't one of those twenty-four hour ones. He pulled on the first clothes he came to that fit him. Snatching a few duffels from the shelf, he filled them with clothes, shoes, knives, a camping stove, and even snagged a couple rifles, hand guns and ammo. The place filled prescriptions and he toppled shelves of gauze and antibiotic ointments into a duffel, along with some vitamins, and then broke into the barred pharmacy and took some antibiotics. The place had some bare essentials in the way of food: soup, ravioli, soda, beer, chips, jerky and such. He loaded up on food, wishing they carried some fresh food and juice, but he'd take what he could get. He was lucky it was a one stop shopping for him and he knew it. He was out of the store in under fifteen minutes, leaving two hundred on the counter and a scrawled note that said he would send the rest soon.

When he was leaving the town he saw a cop car heading toward the store. He filled up with gas at the first self serve station he could find and then hauled ass back to Dean.


It had been a long three days standing guard over Dean. He had painstakingly tended Dean's wounds, got water and broth down his throat, and was glad he had thought to grab some liquid antibiotics for Dean. He had put a blanket over the beat up mattress, but it was still lumpy and pretty much beyond being salvageable. He wished he had thought to grab an air mattress, but speed and essentials were of greater concern to him. The softest of the cheap blankets he spread across his love.

He often stood at the window, watching. Other times he sat with Dean, lovingly running his fingers through Dean's hair. He had washed Dean's hair as best he could with the hand soap. Toothpaste, razors, shampoo—those hadn't been on the essential list for him.

He heard a soft moan escape Dean and went to his side. He settled beside him and kissed him. He was honestly surprised when Dean opened his eyes and actually focused on his face.

"Hi, sweetheart," Sam said smiling at him and running his fingers through Dean's hair. "We're safe, out in BFE, but safe. Are you hungry? Do you want to try to sit up? Or just go back to sleep?"

Dean grunted and made a slight face at the “sweetheart” comment, but he certainly didn’t complain about the fingers running through his hair. He held up a hand weakly however when Sam proceeded to fire off one question after another at him, one thing at a time.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this, man.” He managed to joke, his voice roughened by lack of use and the dryness in his throat, among other things. The irony of waking up like this with the other man all over again didn’t go unnoticed to the young hunter.

Dean shifted a little, rolling over a bit so that damn spring was no longer poking at him through the old mattress. Once he was on his side however the way his muscles pulled on his wounded back convinced him very quickly that he did not want to try sitting up any time soon.

“No sitting up.” Dean hissed between his teeth with a wince, focusing once more on Sam’s face once the pain had subsided back to a dull throb. As he waited he thought about the other man’s words. Safe… Dean was pretty sure his definition of “safe” had been utterly shattered in these past couple of weeks.

First the vampires had dragged him out of his “safe” motel room, next they had taken him and Sam both from Jacob’s “safe” house. No, Dean wasn’t sure he’d ever feel safe ever again. In fact, he was probably going to get arthritis in his neck from obsessively looking over his shoulder for the rest of his life… Dean shoved those thoughts away ruthlessly. He was in no way ready to recall every little detail of what had caused his new found paranoia. Not even a little.

“Maybe hungry.” He decided next, and as he took inventory of his own aches and pains Dean’s eyes traveled down Sam’s body. Taking in the bruises that hadn’t completely faded and noticing the splint on his arm. Of course most of the other man was covered up by the sweat pants and long sleeved t-shirt he was wearing. His eyes eventually met Sam’s again. Dean licked his lips. “You ok? How long was I out?”

Sam was pleased to hear Dean sound like himself again and a knot he hadn't even known was in him melted away. He wasn't sure if Dean would wake up to be withdrawn, afraid of Sam, or even hate him. This was all his fault. Vanessa wanted vengeance on him. She never would have come after Dean. He was the reason Dean was tortured and raped. He felt sick just thinking about it. And all those terrible things he had been forced to say to Dean…but Dean didn't need to hear Sam's apology or insecurities. Somewhere down the road, but not now.

His hand went out instinctively when Dean started to roll over, fearing Dean was going to roll onto his back. He let his hand drop back down when Dean stopped once he was on his side.

"I'll get some chicken noodle soup heated up for you," Sam said.

He saw Dean's eyes rove over him, lingering on the splint. "I'm fine. The arm should be fully healed in a day or two. It's useable now if I had to, but I've had enough pain to last me for the next couple decades. Everything else is healing up well, all things considered. Since I'm no longer stressed, all the injuries that were kind of stitched back together to work are now beginning to fully heal. My thigh still hurts," he admitted. "A lot of me still hurts. I'm going to have to go out hunting before too long, but I've seen some deer come by in the morning, so I shouldn't have to go far. And deer tastes a helluva lot better than cow." He gave a small chuckle. "And we'll get some fresh venison out of it, too.

"It's been three days since we escaped. I got you settled, hit the closest town for supplies, and have been here since." He got up and went over to a duffel. He returned with a machete, a hunting knife and a semi-automatic pistol. "Thought you might like to have some fire power at hand. I'll admit, I'm still pretty jumpy and this damned house creaks like a son of a bitch." He returned to the duffels and extracted a can of soup. He poured it into a beat to hell saucepan he had found in a cupboard and set it on the one burner camp stove and started it heating. He grabbed a drink pouch and brought it over. "Got fruit punch or water from the spring. Got instant coffee too, but I don't think you should have that yet."

The fact that it didn’t really cross his mind to complain about having chicken soup for his meal was probably evidence of how much more Dean needed to recover before he was a hundred percent again. Then again, after only three days it was a little surprising he felt as “good” as he did. Yeah, he was feeling pretty crappy in general, but after what his body had been through… once more Dean refused to acknowledge the all too recent memories flickering at the edges of his brain… but the fact was simple after all that he probably should have been in a coma or dead. The fact that he was awake, sore as hell, but willing to eat something that wasn’t being fed through a tube was downright unnatural.

Dean nodded slightly in understanding when Sam said a lot of him still hurt, he could certainly sympathize. But he did feel a little better knowing how fast Sam was healing. He didn’t think he’d ever forget seeing Sam, missing one eye, and so torn up he looked like he’d been through a meat grinder.

He wasn’t really sure how to feel about Sam talking so casually about going “hunting” and commenting on the taste of deer versus cow, which wouldn’t have really bothered him if Dean knew Sam was taking about venison versus hamburger, but Dean wasn’t that naive anymore. He knew exactly what Sam was now… Not that it really mattered to him anymore what Sam was. Vampire or not, what Sam had gone through for him… and Sam had said he didn’t kill humans. Not before… everything… Then again, considering what Dean himself had done… oh yes… he remembered that too. Barely, but he remembered it, but what was that saying? People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones? Or some shit like that…

“Thanks.” Dean offered genuinely when Sam brought over the weapons to his “bedside”, yeah, it did make him feel better. If his brain would just listen to him and stop thinking so damned much he’d feel even better. He wasn’t ready to deal with it. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready. He’d be very happy just to forget everything.

Fruit punch or water. Yeah, that was something nice and simple to think about. Though he made a face when Sam refused to give him some coffee, bastard, shouldn’t have mentioned it then and got his hopes up.

“How about some tequila?” Dean asked even as he was reaching for the damned drink pouch. Concentrated sugar was better than nothing.

Sam didn't miss the face Dean made at him. And alcohol? Sure, that's what his body needed right now.

"Don't I fucking wish," Sam muttered. "I got beer sitting out in the spring, keeping it cold. If you're feeling good enough, maybe tomorrow." There were essentials and then there were essentials. With Dean awake, he would certainly feel like he could relax a little and frankly, some beer sounded damned good. He had grabbed the highest grade 24 pack he could. He figured that would hold them for awhile. For long enough. And he figured Dean would need some beer more than anything as soon as he was feeling up to it.

"If you want some coffee, you can have some after you get some food in that empty stomach."

Small knelt and stirred the soup. He had already gone through two cans to feed Dean the broth from them. He only had two cans left after this one, but he had some others he grabbed. He hadn't been particularly picky about what he tossed in the duffel other than to make sure he got some chicken noodle soup, for the broth if nothing else.

"You … have any questions for me? I know a lot has to be spinning in that head of yours. I'm not sure what all you remember. If you want to ask anything, don't be afraid to. No more lies. No more half-truths. The offer is a standing offer. Whenever."

Dean was rather pleased to hear that Sam had gotten them some beer on his little shopping trip. Too bad it wasn’t harder liquor though. It meant he would have to drink a lot more to even get a buzz going and Dean knew from… experience… that he was going to need more than that to get any sleep in the next coming weeks, maybe even months. But he supposed he’d have to jump off that bridge when he came to it. Until then… well… until then he was going to just do his damndest not to remember why he was probably going to go to bed drunk for the rest of his life so he didn’t wake up screaming every hour. So the memories he was trying so hard not to remember during the day wouldn’t revisit him in his dreams instead…

After a little difficulty poking the damned tiny straw into the top of the juice box Sam had given him, and figuring out a way to drink from it without having to sit up, Dean sucked on his juice, watching Sam stir his soup. Giving a slight nod when Sam said he could have some coffee after he ate. Coffee would definitely be good. Caffeine along with sugar would help keep him from falling asleep.

Though when Sam asked him if he had any questions for him, Dean felt the blood drain from his face a little. It was just a simple question, asked so casually. But for some reason the immediate thing that sprang to Dean’s mind was, Did you mean any of it? Of course bringing with it the very tidal wave of memories and emotions he didn’t want to deal with right now. All things Sam had said to him while whipping him nearly to death. All the nasty, hateful, awful things, calling him a whore, worthless, going on and on of how filthy he was, how he’d been used, how he enjoyed it, the entire nest of vampires raping him… how he deserved it…

Dean closed his eyes, hating to do so because that only made it easier to see, remember, but he didn’t want Sam to see. He just knew if Sam looked at his eyes now he’d see everything, and he didn’t want him to. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to remember it. It was over. He just wanted it gone. Dean buried the memories back down, something he had plenty of practice with. When he finally opened his eyes again he felt he might just be able to speak without completely freaking out.

“No questions…” He finally answered the other man, taking another sip of his juice to erase remembered phantom tastes in his mouth. Yeah, beer and then harder liquor was definitely going to be needed soon.

The soup was plenty hot, but not so hot that it would burn Dean's mouth. Just hot enough. Sam pulled over the old pink Tupperware bowl whose edge was a little melted. He hadn't thought to get paper bowls. He hadn't thought to get a lot of things, but he could remedy that soon, when Dean was up to a "short" car ride. The next closest town was about a fifty minute drive. He'd like to get Dean to a more comfortable place, but the thought of going into a town where he could be seen, where they could be seen, frankly frightened him. He felt fairly secure that no one would be able to track him, but if they heard about the robbery of the Walmart, it wouldn't be all that hard to guess, and that worried him as well.

The nest was pretty beat up. They might be on the move, but no way, no how would they be ready to hunt Sam down yet. And that brought up a terrible question he wasn't ready to answer. Would he put Dean in more danger by staying with him? Yes, he would. But could he ever go to sleep without worrying about Dean if he did leave him? He already knew the answer to that, too, and the problem was, he was being selfish. Vanessa knew Sam would do anything for Dean. Absolutely anything, so Dean would be her primary target. But what if Dean didn't want him around? What if Sam was too much of a painful reminder of what had happened? Dean might want him gone just as soon as he was strong enough to stand on his own. He desperately wanted to ask his own question. Do you love me? But he was too afraid of that answer, too.

He heard Dean's heart rate triple in response to his question. He cleared his throat a little. "It's hard to lie to a vampire," Sam said softly. "But I won't push. Whenever you're ready, I'll be here. For as long as you want me to be. If you want me gone," Sam swallowed hard, "then as soon as you're healthy enough…just tell me. I'll…leave."

He brought the bowl over and sat down by Dean. He couldn't help himself from running his hand along Dean's hair. It took him a moment to fight down the lump in his throat. He almost expected Dean to pull away from him and he wouldn't blame Dean in the least. It would cut out his heart, but he wouldn't blame the young man.

"You'll do a lot better trying to eat if you're on your stomach, but then you'll have to bring one of your arms up to eat with, and that's going to pull at your injuries. There are some cushions," he jerked his thumb at the three cushions from the couch lying by the wall, "and I can put them under the mattress, elevate your head a little if you think that would help."

Dean frowned and tensed a little when the other man “helpfully” reminded him how hard it was to lie to a vampire. The simple fact was that Dean didn’t want to talk about it. Any of it. And he knew if Sam pushed him right now things were going to get messy very quickly. If it would be worse for him or Sam right now, Dean wasn’t all that certain. He just knew it wasn’t going to be pretty.

So he was more than a little relieved when Sam reassured him that he wasn’t going to push. Though when Sam went on to offer to… leave… if Dean wanted him to, he had no idea how to feel about that. A few days ago… a week… maybe more… Dean wasn’t even sure because he wasn’t sure how long they’d been captives of the vampires, but the simple fact was that Dean had been ready to walk away from Sam forever. If things had blown up maybe a half hour earlier, he and Bobby would have already been gone from Jacob’s and Dean would have never looked back, never would have wondered what happened to Sam Cristo. Maybe Sam would have been the only one captured. Maybe Sam would still be hanging in that barn, being tortured by that bitch…

Now? Now… Dean didn’t know what he felt, he really didn’t. His feelings were just as torn up as the rest of him. Just as broken. He wasn’t ready to start sorting it all out yet, he just… needed some time to breathe. One thing was for certain, right now, Dean couldn’t bear the thought of Sam leaving him…

Dean looked up at the other man, the vampire, when Sam approached him with his food. He didn’t pull away when Sam reached for him, running his fingers through his hair as he remembered Sam doing to sooth him when he’d been out of it. He didn’t pull away from that touch. Though he honestly didn’t understand how he could stand anyone touching him right now. Back when the… first time… not long after he and his father had been staying over Bobby’s and the older man had come up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder when he’d been eating breakfast, he’d panicked and nearly broke Bobby’s wrist that morning. Maybe that’s how the older man knew…

He was nodding to Sam’s offer to help him with the cushions when it finally hit him.

“Oh fuck! Bobby…” Dean, looked up at the other man with wide eyes as he remembered the cell phone. The text message. Their desperate attempt to get word out so they could be rescued… and then ended up escaping anyway.

Dean seemed to like the idea of the cushions so Sam stood and moved to get them. Dean's exclamation made him turn back to Dean, paling.

"Oh, shit, Dean, it never even—I've been too worried about—god, I'm sorry." His voice was pure apology.

Guiltily, he realized he should call Jacob, too. His primary concern had been to get the supplies and get back to the house. Standing guard at the window, the only things that rolled around in Sam's head were what had been done to them, what had been done to Dean, what he had done to Dean, and whether or not the bitch might show up again…and whether Dean was going to wake up hating him and telling him to get the fuck out. The vampire in him, the real vampire, remembered everything, remembered how Dean had looked at him after he had finished drinking Vanessa half dry, offering Sam a chance to eat as well. Those absolute adoring, loving eyes. It choked him up to think about what the two of them could have, might have, and then the truth, the reality that Dean would probably leave Sam. Dean's vampire needs were sated. Dean wouldn't have those needs for a few years. The thought of tasting blood was probably enough to make Dean's stomach rebel and spew anything in it and Sam understood.

Dean was a hunter. Sam was a vampire. How much more fucked up could it get? A lot more fucked up and he shouldn't ask such questions. The world seemed to like to answer his questions in the most painful and unpleasant of ways. Fucked up was them being caught unaware. Fucked up was being hauled across two states. Fucked up was being tortured, of Dean being tortured because Sam loved him.

It all simply made his head hurt. Almost as much as it made his heart hurt.

Sam forced himself to turn back to the cushions and bring them over to Dean. Recriminations were useless. He had screwed up. Again.

"The closest town I didn't thieve from is a fifty minute drive. I've got about a hundred left from the wallets I took from the vampires. I had to use one of the credit cards for gas. I can use another stolen credit card, but I would probably do better to get the bank to wire me money. Or maybe my bank is in town. I can pick up a pay-as-you-go phone, but it'll have to be charged…maybe I can steal one long enough to get a call to Bobby and one to Jake.

"Do you want to try to travel? Or should I leave you here and just haul ass back as fast as I can? I don't think I can swing it in less that two hours and I don't…I don't want to leave you alone. If the nest is pissed enough to come hunting for us anyhow, no matter how bad we hurt them…they found us before. It's not a pleasant thought, but Bobby and Jake have waited this long. You might be more up to travel tomorrow…"

Three days… fuck. It had been three days since he had sent the text message to Bobby. At least a week since he and Sam had been kidnapped from Jacob’s house. There was little doubt in Dean’s mind that by now the older hunter had found the barn where the nest had been holed up with them, hoping to rescue them. What Bobby might have found when he got there was anyone’s guess. Most likely the vampires were already long gone. The only thing for certain was he wouldn’t have found Dean and the young hunter knew his friend must be going out of his fucking mind by now with worry.

Dean wasn’t all that surprised that Sam hadn’t thought of trying to contact Bobby. It wasn’t as though they were friends, or even acquaintances, especially after their last introduction had gone. Plus, like Sam said, he had other things on his mind. Dean’s mind automatically filled in the rest of the vampire’s sentence. Sam had been too worried about him…

However the level of guilt he could clearly see written on Sam’s face was a little shocking to Dean. Did Sam think he would blame him or something? Be angry at him? Had Dean ever really given Sam a reason to think otherwise? Dean’s own feelings of guilt hit him hard then, preventing him from answering Sam’s apology right away.

One thing was certain however. Dean didn’t blame Sam in the least. Not for being captured, not for what had happened to him, none of it.

He listened as Sam talked about getting them a phone. Yeah, too damned much to hope for that this old house had anything that useful. Though when Sam asked him if he was ready to travel… then offered to leave him here alone if he wasn’t, Dean knew his eyes must have reflected nothing but panic no matter how he tried to hide it.

“Maybe later on today, or tomorrow, we can go.” Dean finally replied, fighting valiantly to keep his voice steady.

Sam saw the panic course through the young hunter's body, saw it wash over his face. He could hear Dean's heart absolutely racing and smell the terror washing out from Dean. Dean tried to give a sincere but strong response, but the quaver still threaded his voice.

Sam couldn't deny he felt his own panic at the thought of leaving Dean alone. The first time he had no choice and there was no chance of the nest finding Dean. Now? Who knew and he did not want to risk it, but he would have if that was what Dean wanted. A sigh of relief escaped from him, glad Dean had made that choice to stay for a bit yet and for Sam to stay with him. With all of Vanessa's blood in Dean, the anti-virus was surely well fed and strong, and Dean would heal rapidly, maybe almost as fast as a vampire. Normally, he wouldn't heal nearly that fast but this wasn't a normal case. Sam would have to be sure to tell Dean that later.

Dean had already slept three days. The muscles should be mostly knit back together. The virus would be working to heal the the muscles completely but was probably well on the way to stitching the epidermis together on his back. Sam had gotten Dean the antibiotic so the virus would have one less thing to try to deal with. It would have focused on gobbling up the infection before returning its focus to healing.

At Dean's frightened voice, Sam knelt down by him immediately and took Dean's hand in his own.

"I won't leave you alone," he promised. His other hand pet Dean's hair. He hesitated a moment, then kissed Dean lightly on the cheek, hoping Dean wouldn't completely freak on him. He really wanted to kiss Dean on the lips, to take Dean into his arms and soothe all the worries from him. Doing that could make Dean more than uncomfortable, it might make him feel trapped. Dean already had a high freak-factor from everything else. He didn't need Sam adding to that.

"Now why don't we get that soup down you before it gets cold?"

Dean hated, just a little bit, how Sam's reassurance that he wouldn't leave him, how the other man touched his hand, and ran his fingers through his hair immediately seemed to calm him. It reminded him how weak he was. How defenseless he'd been, and still felt now. Just like he'd been in that cage, chained up to the rafters, on his hands and knees being fucked in every orifice…

But at the same time Dean couldn't deny how much ne needed Sam right now. Needed the other man's touch, these simple reassurances that he was safe… Sam's very presence, he knew now the only reason he felt as reasonably safe and calm as he did now was because of Sam. Dean hated to think about what might have happened if he'd woken up and Sam hadn't been here…

At the unexpected kiss to his cheek Dean felt his face warm a little. This time when his heart rate increased he knew it had nothing to do with fear. Knowing Sam probably heard it too made his flush deepen just a little bit more, and Dean cleared his throat self consciously.

"Yeah, good idea." Dean said, glad for the topic change. His voice much steadier than before, thank god.

As much as he hated not being able to contact Bobby right away and tell the older man he was alive, that he and Sam had escaped, maybe this was a blessing in disguise. Dean had no idea how he looked right now, but he had a feeling if Bobby took one look at him right now he'd know instantly that the vampires had done more than just torture him. The fact that Bobby knew he'd been raped all those years ago was bad enough, he definitely didn't want the older man to know about this. It was bad enough that Sam had seen it happen, watched as they…

Whore. Slut. Filthy. Disgusting. Tramp. Deserved…

Dean's growing blush shocked Sam. He had sort of expected Dean to recoil from him. Maybe an annoyed glare if nothing else. That Sam's attention still made him blush, after everything they had been through, made Sam almost happier than he could express. He couldn't stop the light laughter that bubbled from him.

Sam's laughter clearly surprised Dean, maybe even bothered him. He knew he needed to explain the sudden laughter and Sam broke into a grin. That Dean hadn't pulled away from him encouraged him that Dean wasn't completely upset with him for everything.

"You are too damned cute when you blush. You have no idea what it does to me." He cupped Dean's cheek with his hand. "You keep that up and I will have to kiss you." Not wanting Dean to think he was going to accost him or anything, he hastily added, "With your permission, of course."

He felt himself flush a little and groaned inwardly. Yes the things Dean did to him. He had never blushed this much around anyone.

Sam cleared his throat then, feeling a bit awkward. God, couldn't he keep his mouth shut about things like that? He blushed even more. If Dean didn't want his attention, and who could blame him if he didn't want anyone's attention for a long time to come, it would only upset Dean and Sam was just making an ass out of himself. But Dean did that to him, too.

He let his hand drop from Dean's cheek. "Uh, yeah, let's get these cushions under the mattress."

Sam’s sudden laugh surprised him more than he wanted to admit, maybe it wasn’t sarcastic or mocking, but following the path his thoughts had taken his brain translated it that way, and it felt a little bit like being stabbed in the heart. Dean looked away from the other man quickly then, shame filling him, before he could stop it and not really dissipating when the other man went on to “explain” that he was “cute” when he blushed. That he would have to kiss him…

Stupid. He was so fucking stupid. Dean was in no way ready to deal with this, and it was beyond unfair to lead Sam on like this, but he simply hadn’t been able to help his reactions to Sam’s touch or the light kiss to his cheek. Only now Dean felt uncomfortable and exposed and so damned confused… He didn’t know how he felt about Sam, but right now he couldn’t deny it felt like the other man was the only thing preventing him from falling off a sheer cliff he was clinging to by his fingertips. Sam had been the only thing holding him together during everything that had happened to them at the barn. Sam was still the only thing holding him together… and it was so damned selfish…

Its not like the other man hadn’t been through just as much as he had. In fact, Sam had been through everything, had been through worse, and he was still taking care of Dean. Feeding him, tending to his wounds, comforting him, promising him safety, promising him to stay with him for as long as Dean needed him… All because Sam said he loved him… and right now Sam’s love was the glue holding him together and another crack spreading along his surface threatening to shatter him at the same time.

Sam had kissed him tenderly even when his lips were bloody and he tasted like their filth and hadn’t recoiled afterwards. Had promised him there was nothing they could do to him that would make him not… cherish him… At the same time the things Sam had said… been forced to say… to him while he was whipping him kept echoing in his brain. How much was true? Was any of it? It was hard to believe Sam could be so… creative… if he really meant none of it. Even if it was all a lie, even if Sam meant none of it, the last thing Sam deserved was something so fucking broken and used like him. Dean knew he was hanging on by a thread that was slowly unraveling every second.

He wasn’t going to be able to force back the tide of memories for very long. It was going to hit him, really hit him, soon enough and it wasn’t going to be pretty. He was going to break and Sam might spend the rest of his life trying to put him back together and he might never be successful… he didn’t want that… he didn’t want Sam to keep waiting for him to love him like he loved Dean, because Dean honestly wasn’t sure he ever could… not the way Sam deserved anyway…

Even as Sam adjusted the cushions under the mattress so Dean could sit up and eat his soup, Dean fought with himself, trying to find some way to express what he was feeling to Sam, not knowing if he even should, even though Sam deserved it and far more. Sam deserved to know that Dean wasn’t sure he was capable of loving him… Maybe Sam would change his mind about staying then.

“Sam… I… I don’t know if I can… I don’t know… fuck…” Dean cursed softly, figures when he finally found the courage to say the words he stumbled over them. Seems he couldn’t do anything right…

Sam finished adjusting the cushions, digesting Dean's words. Yep, making an ass out of himself. He sighed softly, frustrated with himself for always saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, at the wrong time. A part of him heard the pain in Dean's words. He…knew what Dean was trying to say to him and he felt a small part of his heart break. He wouldn't put that burden on Dean though. As he had told Jake those days ago, this was his problem to deal with, not Dean's. If Dean didn't love him…no, he didn't want to think about that. He couldn't deal with knowing that right now. Right now, Dean couldn't deal and shouldn't have to deal with Sam's lovesick puppieness either.

After moment of gathering himself, he came back around to Dean's side.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I shouldn't say things like that," Sam said apologetically as he settled down beside the young man. "I…," Sam paused, trying to keep the lump out of his throat. "…you don't have to say anything. You know I love you." He gave a weak laugh. "Well, unless you're blind, you know that. I know…a part of you cares about me, but…I don't…I don't expect anything from you. Unless you look me in the eye and say 'I hate you, get the fuck out' and you mean it, I'm here for you. When you don't, you know, need me to help you stand anymore, if you don't want to stay with me…it's okay. You're not using me. I…I need this right now. I need someone to take care of so I don't have to think too much about… I don't want to think too much, right now. Let's just accept the moment for what it is. When we both…have our feet back under us, we'll worry about it then okay? We'll sort things out then. If I kiss you and you kiss me back, it's not an engagement ring. It's nothing but what we both need at that particular moment. I've known from the get go how…unlikely… it would be for you to fall for me like I have for you. Eyes wide open and all that crap." Sam took a deep breath trying to steady himself. "I just…I really don't want to know right now, okay? I need you not to tell me. I just need you right now. I need you to hold on to. Is that…is that okay?"

Sam wasn't really sure what he would do it Dean said it wasn't.

He hated that Sam felt the need to apologize to him. Especially after all Sam had done for him, went through for him. But at the same time, Sam’s words comforted him more than he could have believed.

It… helped… to know that Sam didn’t expect anything from him. Even though at the same time it made him feel guilty as hell, because he did feel like he was using Sam even though the other man insisted he wasn’t… God, this was so damned confusing… but at least he wasn’t alone in his confusion. He wouldn’t be alone. Because Sam needed him as much as Dean needed Sam…

Dean nodded in understanding and agreement. He could definitely understand not wanting to think too much right now, about a hell of a lot of things. Later… yeah… they could worry about it later. Right now simple things like food and water and patching up wounds that could be covered with a bandage was a hell of a lot easier to deal with.

He realized then that he wanted to be here, for Sam. He didn’t know what he felt for Sam, he didn’t know if he could ever love him the way Sam loved him, but Dean still wanted to be here. He wanted to help Sam the way Sam helped him. He wanted… friendship… with him if nothing else. They’d been through too damned much together for anything less than that.

“Yeah. It’s ok…” Dean said softly. At least that was something he was sure of right now. The young man offered the vampire a slight smile as he reached out to grasp Sam’s hand tightly.

Sam wanted to wrap Dean's words around him. And he wanted to believe everything was going to be okay. That neither of them would have nightmares for years to come. He had been alive a long time, but he had never been raped before. It hadn't exactly been rape. He hadn't fought them. He couldn't. He didn't dare. That Dean had survived being raped before gave him hope that Dean had the tools to deal with his own trauma. The rape seemed inconsequential compared to the torture, and surely, he hadn't cried. He had done everything they wanted him to do. Begged them to fuck him. Begged them to let him suck them off. Told them what a whore and slut he was and how he deserved everything they did. He was ashamed to admit that all the things he spat at Dean were many of the things he was forced to say about himself to them. And maybe even a part of him believed those words were true.

He deserved it. For Dean being dragged into it. He deserved what they did to him and more. Hadn't he taken advantage of Dean at Jake's? He wasn't really sure any more, but a good lover would have told Dean 'no.' Not until Dean wasn't under the throes of the smell of his blood. For god's sake, Dean had barely been awake and Sam had fucked him. Yeah. He was so fucking honorable. He tried to tell himself it was the bloodlust, but he had wanted to screw Dean while Dean was still hanging by his wrists when he first found him in the abandoned house. Sure, he smelled Dean's blood, but he knew it had nothing to do with bloodlust then. He was a slut and whore. He left Dean in that hotel room and went off to get laid because he couldn't, as he promised Dean he would, keep it in his pants. He was weak. He was fucking pathetic.

And that was why he didn't want to think too much. Because he didn't want to rehash all that crap. He wasn’t ready to take the little pieces of his soul out and try to tape them back together. There wasn't enough tape in all the world.

When Dean squeezed his hand, Sam almost sobbed. Almost. He wouldn't show Dean just how fucked up in the head he was at the moment. Dean needed him strong right now. He needed the calm, collected hunter, not the terrified out of his mind broken soul that he was. So instead of falling into Dean's arms blubbering, he smiled gratefully.

He helped get Dean situated with the soup, then walked over to one of the duffels. He pulled out the small battery operated radio. There were three stations that the radio managed to get. One country station, one evangelical station, and one classic rock station. He had honestly grabbed the radio to listen to the local news and the weather, but he figured Dean would appreciate the music. He brought the radio over to Dean's bedside, and turned it on.

"Thought you might like some dinner music."

He wanted to go back to his station by the window, but instead settled with his back against the wall by Dean in case Dean needed help. He shut his eyes, just for a moment, just to rest for a moment. He had hardly slept since they had arrived at the house. Really, he was just shutting his eyes for a moment….

For a brief second Dean thought he saw something in Sam’s eyes. Shadows, darkness, swimming just underneath the surface, reflecting all the painful anguish Dean knew was inside of him as much as he’d like to deny it like broken shards of a mirror covered in blood… But then Sam smiled at him and the moment was over. Dean wasn’t sure who he was more relieved for, Sam or himself.

Forcing himself to forget about it, Dean concentrated on eating his soup, doing his best not to spill it all over himself in the process. Though when Sam came over with the portable radio and turned it onto the classic rock station for him Dean’s small smile he gave the other man was genuine.

“Thanks, man.” He replied, watching the vampire a moment as Sam settled sitting against the wall close to him. Sam looked tired. Exhausted really, and Dean couldn’t blame him. He wondered if Sam had gotten any sleep at all since they’d been here. Probably not if the other man had spent all that time looking after him and watching for any possible attack. Dean felt a small tug of guilt in his gut, like he needed any more right now, and almost offered Sam that he would stay awake and keep watch while the vampire rested. But when Sam closed his eyes, it seemed like he didn’t need any encouragement from him.

So Dean concentrated on finishing his meal, keeping the volume of the radio relatively low so it wouldn’t disturb the other man. He set his empty bowl aside when he was done and settled on his side to relax, watching the shift of light outside the window as afternoon gave away to evening. Listening intently for any sounds that might indicate they were not alone. Sam was right, this damn house did creek like a son of a bitch.

When his eyes began to grow heavy Dean really wished Sam had stayed awake long enough to get him that coffee he’d promised. He knew he should probably try to wake Sam up before he nodded off… unfortunately almost as soon as the thought formed in his head, Dean did just that.

Then he was no longer in the old farmhouse. He was no longer safe with Sam. He was back in the barn. Back hanging from the rafters, covered in his own blood, his voice hoarse from his own screams. Bloody and torn and used, covered in sweat, grime, tears, and their come. He felt the whip again. Heard Sam’s voice screaming those awful things at him with every fall across his back over the sound of their laughter.

At the same time he saw Sam in front of him. On his hands and knees, bloody and torn the way he’d been before Dean had let him drink from him, and Dean could only watch helplessly as they did everything to Sam that had been done to him. One side of his face covered in tears, the other covered in blood, more agony that seemed possible in his one good eye. His bloodied lips moved… when they weren’t fucking his mouth… but no sound came out. No sound but somehow Dean could still hear the words echoing inside of him.

All your fault…

The deep sleep of the vampire pulled him into its arms and he fell there…almost…gratefully. He was so very damned tired. He really didn’t remember the last time he had gotten a full night's rest. Full day's rest. Whatever. Yes, yes he did. After his nightmare, when Dean let him curl up next to him, head on Dean's shoulder, breathing in the scent of his bloodmate. He could smell him now, knew where he was, even though he was in deep sleep, he knew his bloodmate was beside him, watching over him, protecting him, and when the dark nightmares tried to creep up on him, he had the strength to push them away. Because Dean was protecting him.

Slowly, that changed. The animal inside him knew his bloodmate was no longer watching and protecting, but sleeping. It fought against the cage Sam kept it locked in, it struggled to find a weakness in that cage, howling at Sam to wake up, that Sam wasn't safe any more, that his bloodmate wasn't safe. Sam tried, but he couldn't. Too damned tired.

And then they came. The nest. But not just Vanessa's. Every nest, every vampire he had ever killed. They were at him, feeding from him, and he was begging them all to fuck him, to use him like the slut he was deserved to be used, because he had failed his bloodmate, he had let them take Dean. He had let them torture Dean. He had let them rape Dean. His Dean. The body that belonged to him and no one else. And he had failed. Stasi was there, watching on, shaking her head.

"You fed from humans, killing them. You let Vanessa take you. You let Vanessa take him. You weren't strong enough to hide your love for him. But you were always weak. You get all your mates killed. It was your fault Michael died, off on a hunt, knowing that they were hunting you. The hunters were hunting you. And they found Michael. It was your fault Elizabeth died. You were supposed to meet her but got caught up in the research. She went without you because you never were dependable. It was your fault Jessica died. You knew vampires were on your trail. You went out to face them instead of protecting her. It's all your fault that he's broken now. Will always be broken because of your failure.

"You're a cunt. A whore. Useless. There is nothing redeemable in you. I should have let you die," she said. "You deserve to die. But not before you pay for your failure."

Vanessa handed Stasi the knife and she came toward him, veering away at the last moment, and he realized Dean was there and watching. Had seen him beg to be fucked, had heard Stasi recount his flaws and failure. Dean's eyes were furious. He lifted his hands above his head, shackles on his wrists and let them haul him into the air. Sam couldn't do anything but watch. No one held him. No one would have stopped him, but he couldn't seem to move as he watched them torture Dean, slowly cutting him, shredding him, stopping occasionally to fuck him where he hung. Dean's eyes stayed accusational, even as he screamed so loudly, sobbed so loudly, Sam's eardrums should surely burst. Everything stopped for just a minute and Dean stared down at him.

"How can you think I could ever love a useless slut like you?"

And then the animal in him broke free. It grabbed him by the throat, it dragged him from the barn and toward a faint light ahead. The moon. It was the moon. The fresh breeze blew and Sam fought feebly to get back to the barn, to accept his well-deserved punishment. He knew he would be up there next and Dean would get his turn at him, would scream back at him every last thing he had accused Dean of. Only this time it would be true.

The animal growled and hissed at him, demanding his attention. The new smell struck him like fist. His bloodmate was terrified. He was failing Dean again. Again! He wanted to sink into the dirt and just simply die. The animal dug its vampiric teeth into his flesh, demanded Sam react, demanded Sam try to save Dean. When Sam sat there, unable to do anything, the animal turned from Sam, a final growl on its lips and ran toward the light. The animal would save its love even if the man couldn't. Just as before. The man had no right to be free if he couldn't protect Dean.

When Sam woke, he was on his feet instantly, gun pulled from its holster, machete from its sheath. His eyes were red, his vampire fangs fully exposed. He growled warningly. What ever was threatening his bloodmate he would rip apart.

But there was nothing there. Only the creaking of the house. Only the gentle wind outside the window and the nighttime sounds typical in any countryside. The moon was half full and shining in the window, shining in on him. He looked down at Dean. Dean's heart was racing, tears were on his face, and he was moaning. The vampire put his weapons away. It was the failure of the man that caused this. That hurt his love. He sank down beside his bloodmate, bit into his own wrist and ran his finger through the crimson fluid. He rubbed the blood onto Dean's lips then carefully pulled his mate into his arms.

He growled softly, reassuringly. Yes, of course he could talk, but it was his bloodmate he was speaking to, not the human part of Dean. He told his mate that he would protect it, he would never let anything hurt his mate, he would never let anything use his mate in such a terrible way again. He kissed Dean's tears away as he told him these things. Told him how sorry he was for failing Dean and begged his mate to forgive him. To please forgive him.

"Forgive me," Sam whispered, tears falling from his red eyes.

Dean smelled the blood first before anything else. It was not the blood from his dreams, tainted by the stench of fear and pain. The blood was fresh. Warm. He licked his lips and tasted how pure it was. He tasted the echoes of fear and pain, but they were faint. Love overpowering everything else and chasing away the dreams back into the darkness where they belonged. Letting him slip deeper into a much needed peaceful slumber. He was still healing, he needed to rest to heal…

He felt himself relaxing even before Sam’s arms wrapped around him, surrounding him with warmth. His muscles melted into the embrace as he buried his face against the other man’s neck, inhaling Sam’s scent deeply. His heart rate slowing to a more natural rhythm. He sighed as he felt soft lips kissing away his tears and new tears didn’t replace them. He heard the low growl… heard the love, the comfort it offered, the protection, and he sighed gratefully. Answering it with a small contented noise, pressing even closer to the other man.

Dean instinctively wrapped his arms around Sam tightly. Letting his hands slip underneath the back of the other man’s shirt, seeking the warmth of his skin. Holding him close. Seeking comfort and offering it at the same time. He brushed his cheek against Sam’s. Forgiving… There was nothing to forgive.

He kissed Sam’s lips softly, he kissed his tears away as Sam had done for him, purring softly in the back of his throat. Dean bit his lips hard, feeling the drops of blood well up from the small wound, and brushed his lips across Sam’s again. Coating the other man’s lips with his blood. Giving. Needing. Loving…

Dean's arms wrapped around him and he wanted to do the same but knew he would hurt his mate. His mate was still healing. The vampire in Dean, it was a strange vampire that the animal didn't fully understand. Vampire. Not vampire. Human. Not human. His mate. His mate's scent increased in intensity yet part of the …human…slept. Just as the man inside him 'slept.'

His mate was with him, Dean's touch soothing him. The brush of their cheeks. Forgiven. He was forgiven for his failure, and his tears of relief replaced his tears of guilt and shame. His mate's purr warmed him as much as the touch and he arched against those caressing hands.

Dean's kisses reassured the vampire and he made noises of gratitude and love to Dean. He smelled the sharp scent of copper and immediately whined, wanting to taste it. The wetness coated his lips and he licked hungrily at it, then sucked on Dean's wounded lip. The love, the pure love made him moan. He ran his hands over his lover's sides, wishing he could touch Dean's back. He broke their kiss long enough to wound his own lip so their blood could mix.

Electrifying. Explosions of eternal love, of desire, of oneness filled him. He was complete.

He nuzzled his way down to Dean's neck. He so wanted to make love to his mate, to show Dean how much he cared, how much he loved him. His jeans bound him uncomfortably tight and he wanted to press and rub, but Dean was naked against him. They had hurt his love there too. They had touched his mate there. And he would hunt them down and rip each and every one of those mother-fuckers into nothing but scraps of flesh. He knew of all sorts of excruciating ways to kill a vampire. The human would never let him do any of them. The bastard. He wanted to hunt his own kind, but didn't even take joy in their demise. Sure, he delighted seeing the head fall from the body, of draining the body afterwards, but what really was the fun in that? The human never even bothered to make them scream. He was practically ashamed to be the demon part of the human that kept the human alive.

Yes, Stasi's vampire had trained him to be subservient to the human. He had reluctantly accepted that role. He was the lowest of the low. An animal demon. He himself had been a hellhound. A hellhound killed by its master or he died for for his master…he didn't remember anymore…and granted more than just animal intelligence. Most vampires's demon blood sucked in some sort of animal demon. Animal demons congregated around vampires, waiting to be called. As soon as they took possession, the human turned and was subjugated. No protective amulets or magic could keep them at bay because the gate was already inside the human. The virus opened the gate at the neck, where the lifeblood, where the virus, was strong and yet close to the outside world. It was demonic, created by some of the first demons, and it called and demanded a spirit take possession, and they were forced to answer. Other demons despised them for being such half-breeds, animal-human-demon.

Even taking the subservient role he had thought the human would let him out sometimes, let him have a little fun. Rarely. All too rarely. But he was free right now and right now, his mate was with him. His hands drifted down to his lover's cock, brushing it lightly, asking if it still hurt, if he could do anything to help, while he still nuzzled Dean's neck lovingly. He would be happy if all he did was sleep with his mate in his arms. He just needed his mate's presence, the comfort, the love. The events had wounded him as deeply as it had wounded the human's psyche, but his mate swept that all away with his kiss, with his reassuring purr, with his love…

Dean smiled as he felt the other man relax into him, caressing Sam’s strong muscled back when he pressing back against his hands, and he moaned softly as his lover’s lips sucked on his own. Licking the offer of his blood away and Dean moaned deeper tasting Sam’s gift in return. His tongue flicking out to taste, he savored the pleasure and love that flowed through him like a warm wave.

He sighed at the touch of Sam’s hands along his sides, tilting his head back with another content purr when the other man nuzzled his neck. His skin tingled from the warm kisses and the light scratching of the other man’s stubble across his sensitive flesh, making him even more aware of Sam. Every touch, every gentle caress a mark of ownership. He was Sam’s and Sam was his…

Dean’s eyes slit open. Even in the dim moonlight he could see perfectly. The dancing shadows from the trees outside on the far wall, he could hear the nighttime insects singing, frogs chirping along, wind rustling gently through the trees, it was so peaceful, calming, safe. They were safe. He was safe, in Sam’s arms. He would always be safe here. Sam would die to protect him, just like he would give his life to protect his love.

It was so peaceful, easy, uncomplicated… he wished they could stay like this forever…

“Sam…” Dean sighed softly when he felt the other man’s hand drift lower, over his flaccid flesh, so warm, so tender. Of course he remembered how he had been hurt there. He still felt the pain, deep inside of him, but his lover’s touch didn’t hurt him now. Dean shifted his hips forward, pressing into that warm touch with a soft needy sound. He could never be afraid of his… mate…

He let his hands shift around sliding up Sam’s stomach, pushing the other man’s shirt up as he went. Sam was wearing too much. He wanted to be closer to him. He wanted to hold him, skin to skin, to comfort him, to give him love, to make Sam feel as safe as he felt in Sam’s arms.

Sam gently stroked his lover's cock when Dean made it clear he wanted it, needed it, as he continued to kiss and suck and lick at the young man's throat. Warm comforting hands crept up his stomach, and Dean's soft sounds were perfectly clear. Together. Entwined. One. The vampire helped in getting himself free of the shirt, tossing it aside carelessly and pulling Dean back into his arms. He kissed the hunter…hunter…how absurd that hunter and vampire would fall in love and find comfort in the form of each other. Why the other halves of themselves could not find the same comfort, choosing to let the things in the past be the destruction of the present, he did not understand. Past was past. Future was future. Now was everything. Now was Dean. And they needed each. In each other they would find freedom from the haunting, terrible past.

He let his teeth partially descend, keeping the sharp points above the human teeth so their tongues could writhe together unharmed. He coaxed Dean's tongue in, offering to let Dean explore this part of him no one but a lover ever would. He wanted Dean to touch them, to feel them, to have no fear of them. He fully intended to bite gingerly into his mate's neck with them. Not the violent bite of the hungry animal, but the light and gentle bite of a lover.

The confines of his jeans had become almost unbearable. Though still kissing Dean, he reached down undid the button, unzipping his pants and releasing himself with a sigh. Before he pushed his pants down his thighs he stuck his fingers in his front pocket and extracted the pocket knife inside. His bloodmate had no proper teeth and would need the knife. He anticipated Dean to use the knife on his throat, as he would use his teeth on Dean's, both drawing just enough blood for them to share between them, to taste and bring forth the experience no one but bloodmates could ever know. Vanessa had no idea what it really was because she knew only the taste and not the depth. Or perhaps she had forgotten. No vampire should ever use another's bloodmate against them. As she was now so thoroughly reminded. No matter how human a vampire might try to stay, bloodmate went straight to the core of the animal inside.

The knife acquired, he pushed his jeans down and kicked them off along with his shoes. He reached over Dean's hip and grabbed his ass. Pulling Dean close, he rubbed his erection against his mate. Taking Dean's hand, he wrapped Dean's fingers around the knife, growling in offering.

Dean moaned at the gentle caressing fingers stroking him, his cock hardening in his lover’s hand. Every gentle nip and suck on his neck making him harder. Making him want more, need more.

He purred in definite approval when the other man stripped off the shirt preventing him from touching all of Sam’s flesh like he wanted to. Dean wasted no time wrapping his arms around his lover again, pressing his chest to Sam’s chest with a moan of pleasure. Sliding his hands up and down the strong back muscles from his shoulders to his buttocks, loving the feel of them moving under his hands.

He let his tongue delve into the warmth of Sam’s mouth, following the other man’s coaxing tongue. Accepting the gentle offer. Letting his tongue play around, exploring every inch of his lover’s mouth. Sliding his tongue along the vampire’s teeth curiously. Letting his tongue lightly scrape over one of the sharp points, nicking his tongue the barest amount knowing how Sam loved the taste of him and wanting to give that gift to him. Giving it without hesitation.

Dean felt Sam’s hand slip between them, heard the zipper of his jeans and moaned in approval into the vampire’s mouth. He felt the knife pressed into his hand even as Sam pulled him forward, letting him feel him finally without the awful barriers of clothing. Just the two of them. Perfect. Their bodies touching everywhere. Dean knew what the knife was for. A part of him remembered, knew, what it wanted. Just as he knew what Sam wanted.

He broke their kiss reluctantly, panting softly against Sam’s lips as he flicked the knife open. The blade was sharp and he knew would cut easily and without pain. He pressed the knife to the side of his lover’s throat, close to his shoulder. The pure trust in his mate’s eyes was humbling.

That was where he cut, just a small wound, but deep enough that it would not close right away. Dean moaned in pure pleasure as he leaned in to lick over the small cut. Tasting the blood that dribbled out, tasting his mate’s love, and he tilted his head to the side offering the same.

His lover's tongue wrapped around his own then investigated all the cracks and crevices of his mouth, followed by the careful touch across his fangs. The light pressure against the partially exposed fangs sent a small ripple of pleasure through the vampire. The muscles that held the teeth halfway between exposure and hiding tremored in response to the touch and the rake of the tongue over one sharp point drew a soft moan from Sam. The taste of blood spilling into Sam's mouth, just a few drops, set his desires aflame and he moaned louder, sucking on Dean's tongue to extract as much blood as he might. The taste of his mate was pure love and he purred in answer, telling Dean how much he was treasured and cherished.

Against each other's bare skin, nothing between them, was the way it should be. He heard the knife open and, as reluctantly as Dean, allowed their kiss to end. He licked his lips as if his tongue could take in Dean's hot staccato breath. Taking a deep breath, the scent of desire, trust, love, and Dean, was all he could smell. The vampire's red eyes stayed locked on his lover, watching the momentary hesitation in his mate. He tilted his head just a fraction, growling in soft encouragement. Just a mouthful was all that was needed, though he would willingly offer more if Dean desired it. He would offer everything if that's what Dean demanded, though he knew his mate wouldn't. He didn't flinch as the knife cut into his skin.

Dean's moans sent heat coiling in Sam's groin, the touch of Dean's tongue on his neck drawing a groan that matched Dean's. It took all his will not to wrap his arms around his lover, but he would not touch that still healing flesh. When his mate exposed his neck, the lightly tanned skin glistened in the moonlight. Sam could smell the blood, hear its roar just below the surface of that thin skin. His eyes locked on the carotid and the slight pulse it conveyed. Sam's purr deepened. He licked Dean's neck, lightly and briefly numbing it to his teeth, just long enough to allow his teeth to sink in without pain. Sometimes the pain was welcome, erotic even, but his lover hurt enough. He would bring pleasure in other ways this night.

He sank his teeth into Dean's neck. Not deeply, but enough. He sucked and licked, never withdrawing his teeth, and he felt and heard Dean's response as soon as the anesthesia wore off just a handful of seconds later. He dug his teeth in just a fraction deeper, to let his lover feel his teeth, as he rubbed more firmly against him, growling possessively.

Dean was his mate. Only his. If Dean wanted sex with others, the vampire would permit it, so long as it was only sex. But Dean, body and soul, belonged to him now. Dean's answering growl declared the same. He belonged to Sam. But Sam belonged to him as well and Sam responded in agreement. The vampire swallowed a bit of his mate's blood, and almost as soon as the blood reach his stomach the ripple of pleasure exploded outward and he thrust hard against Dean's solid abs and sucked intensely at the young man's neck. He kept the blood in his mouth and released Dean's neck from his bite. His hand cupping the back of Dean's head, he guided his lover's mouth back to the bleeding wound. He purred in the back of his throat, anticipating the kiss they would so soon share.

Dean moaned low in his throat at the soft touch of his lover’s tongue along his neck. His heartbeat quickening as he continued to thrust slowly against Sam. Their cocks slid together, leaving warm trails of precome across each other’s skin. One of his hands slid up to thread through Sam’s soft hair, and as the vampire’s teeth sank into his flesh, a ripple of pleasure shook him and Dean let out another shuddering moan. He licked his lips, still able to taste Sam’s sweat and blood, and it was perfect. So perfect…

He felt the incredible pressure increase on his neck and Dean’s fingers tightened a little in Sam’s hair and on his back. His breath coming out in harder pants, he groaned at the harder thrust against him and Dean answered in kind. He was close, so very close…

Then Sam was leading his mouth back to the wound on his neck. Dean whimpered at the loss of his lover’s teeth on his neck but he greedily lapped at the blood dribbling from the cut he’d made, he fastened his lips to the warm flesh and sucked hard. Sam’s blood filling his mouth, making him groan in ecstasy.

He bit down a little, just sharply enough so that Sam could feel his own teeth before gently pulling away from his lover’s neck. His lips finding Sam’s once more and Dean growled in pleasure as he kissed the other man messily. Their tongues twining together, the sharp taste of copper heavy between them. Proof of their life, proof of their love… always…

A few more desperate thrusts and he was coming against Sam, shuddering and groaning, bathing both their stomachs with his spunk. And as he whimpered and moaned in ecstasy in Sam’s arms he had never felt so loved and cherished in his whole life.

The kiss, the mix of their blood, was a whirlwind of ecstasy. His senses soared and for the briefest of moments he could feel and hear what felt like the entire world. The world froze then and all he could feel was Dean. All he could smell was Dean. All he could taste was love. All he could see was blinding light. All he could hear was the sound of Dean's beating heart.

He thrust harder against his lover's body, crushed his lips against Dean's and felt the sudden tensing of his mate's entire body. Dean's shower of hot spunk coated them and a moment later, Sam's joined it.

Unable to crush Dean's body in his embrace, one hand went down to Dean's buttocks while the other was still cupping the back of Dean's head. He pulled Dean as close to him as he could as the rode the waves of their love.

His growls rumbled in his chest, interspersed with his purrs. He swallowed down the blood in his mouth and felt it shake him again. Breaking their kiss his whispered in his lover's ear. "You are my bloodmate. We are one. I am yours eternally, as you are mine. My heart, my soul, my blood, everything I am, you cradle in your hands. You are my love."

Dean whimpered in pleasure when he felt Sam’s cock pulse against him and the other man’s pleasure join his own slicking them both. He clutched at Sam tighter if it were possible, surely leaving bruises on his lover’s flesh, when the other man pulled him even closer. Their kiss lasting for what felt like a blissful eternity until the shudders of his body finally eased and his muscles grew heavy and sated. The press of their lips gentled and the slide of their tongues became more soothing than arousing, but Dean still didn’t want it to end. He whimpered again softly in protest when Sam finally broke their kiss even though he panted softly from lack of breath.

Sam’s words, if he hadn’t been already, would have melted him into a puddle they were so warm and full of love. Dean couldn’t remember when, or if, he’d ever been this happy. This content. Knowing he was loved unconditionally. Knowing he would never be alone again.

Dean smiled and tucked his head underneath Sam’s chin, snuggling as close as he possibly could to the vampire so that not even air separated him. He felt exhausted even though their love making hadn’t been all that strenuous, but his body was still healing. It needed rest. This time when he sank into dreams all he felt was warm and loved in Sam’s arms, the other man’s beautiful words of devotion echoing over and over and he felt his soul beginning to heal as well.

Sam cradled Dean in his arms and held him close, pleased to hear slow and even breathing coming from the young man once he fell asleep. He gently ran his fingers through his lover's hair. Giving soft reassuring purrs occasionally, he wanted to make certain Dean's sleep would not return to the nightmare filled world it had been, that Sam had awoken him from. His mate needed to heal, to become whole again. He knew when Dean awoke, the frightened, tortured human would likely be back and the part of the hunter that was his bloodmate would again be asleep inside of him. Not asleep, he supposed. Perhaps caged and controlled, kept on a short leash as he was. Buried deep inside.

He didn't particular resent the other part of himself that did this. It was the way it had always been. Sam drew on his inner strength, him, when needed. He had never been so fully drawn out as he had since Dean came into his life. He honestly felt more whole, more integrated than he ever had. Dean was a bridge between his two disparate halves. He had not felt this way since Michael had died. He had been very happy with Jessica, but while Jessica was a bloodmate, the human part of his psyche refused to turn his wife and put a vampiric animal inside her. Elizabeth had been an almost bloodmate. There were parts of her blood that gave Sam the thrill, but only when Elizabeth was coming to orgasm. Hormones, he supposed. He didn't think too hard on it. Dean was now here, Dean was now his life. He had touched the bloodmate inside Dean, totally and completely embraced him, and he truly hoped that part of Dean had enough influence for Dean to want to stay at Sam's side.

He turned his attention inward as he continued to stroke his love's hair. He let a light doze overtake him though he stayed alert for unusual sounds. This was harder than he expected; it made sense though as it was normally the animal part of himself that stayed alert while the human part slept. The mental representation in his mind of the animal and the human were as clear as they had been during the dream. The human part of him was still where he had been, frozen in loss and guilt and shame. The animal approached the human, nudging him, whining at him, but the human seemed so lost and broken. No, the animal did not want to be caged again, but he wanted to be whole and while this part of his mind was shattered, he never would be. Perhaps if he could heal his mate, perhaps his mate could heal him. He paced briefly around the human manifestation and then returned to the role he now had to play.

With a pain filled sigh he knew he would have to try to control himself. To be fully what he was, the animal hungry for blood, uncaring of what prey he might take to feed upon but most certainly preferring the human variety, would only further undo that part of him broken. He did not have the care and wisdom of his other half. He would quickly be hunted down and killed if he acted upon his instincts as he always had. He doubted the human part of his mate would approve either. Even the bloodmate might be troubled by his true nature. He wasn't sure. He was so unsure of everything it was a deep ache in his chest. He missed the human that had always guided him and leaned on him when in need. He wasn't at all certain he could stand alone for very long and the mere thought of being alone frightened him.

He opened his eyes. He didn't want to sleep. He didn't want to again see that which was broken inside him. He didn't know how to fix it and without the rest of him, he knew he would die just as lost and broken. He pulled his lover closer and took little notice of the tears as they slipped down his cheeks.

Dean slept deeply and soundly until almost dawn. Until those fucking crows showed up. The bastards, couldn’t they go somewhere else to look for worms and shit? Dean grumbled softly under his breath as he tried to bury himself even closer to the other man in his arms, trying to block out the sound, and go back to sleep. Nice, warm, comfortable…

Ok, so he was a little bit slow this early in the morning especially when he hadn’t had any caffeine in a while. Dean’s eyes snapped open and he sat up with a start, and immediately regretted the sudden movement and the feeling of the bandages pulling across his back, dried blood sticking to them and he cried out softly at the unexpected pain.

“Fuck!” The young hunter hissed between his teeth as he dropped back to the lumpy mattress with rusted springs. His brain trying to push past the pain and catch up with the rest of his senses that were trying to explain to him what the hell was going on. He wasn’t alone in bed. He wasn’t alone and he was naked. So was the other person in bed with him.

Vampires. Trapped. Torture. Escaped. His brain quickly ticked off the last events he remembered hoping to discover what had led him to this point. But strangely enough even though he couldn’t really remember why he was naked in bed with someone he wasn’t freaking out and grabbing for the weapons Sam had left by the mattress for him. Ok, so he was only freaking out a little but… Sam…

Damn it… not again…

Ok, so this definitely wasn’t the first time he had woken up next to Sam unexpectedly. It wasn’t even the first time he had woken up naked next to Sam. But that was before… and what worried him was the… other things… he was noticing. The mess on his skin for one… Fuck. What the hell had happened last night? Fine, kissing and taking comfort in each other didn’t equal an engagement ring, but fucking…

Dean finally forced his eyes open slowly, a part of him hoping this was all some weird dream or something he was having. He wasn’t ready to deal with something like this. They weren’t ready for this. Why the hell did they keep ending up like this? All those questions evaporated from his brain in an instant when he looked at Sam.

“Oh fuck…” Dean whispered his eyes growing so impossibly wide his eyeballs it was a wonder his eyes didn’t fall out of his head and he gasped sharply. Sam was definitely awake and the other man was looking right at him. Sam’s eyes… “Sam?”

The vampire watched, for a moment thinking Dean was merely shifting in his sleep. Periodically through the night Dean had snuggled a bit closer to Sam, scraping his long stubble against Sam's bare chest, tightening his embrace around Sam. This time, though, Dean practically jerked awake and sat up abruptly. Sam winced. He knew that had to have hurt and that suspicion was confirmed with he heard Dean's sharp curse. Being half-flayed didn't exactly heal over night. Or four nights at this point. With Vanessa's blood in him, he should heal faster than otherwise expected, and Sam hoped that would be the case. He was looking forward to getting the large swath of bandages off Dean's back to see how he much he had healed. He hadn't changed them out yesterday.

Sam didn't move as Dean fell back to the mattress, emotions flowing across the hunter's face as Dean obviously was trying to get his brain to catch up with everything. When Dean finally opened his eyes and looked at him, the shocked look and associated curse surprised Sam. And the hesitant question. Of course it was him…oh.

Looking away from the hunter he got to his feet. He suddenly found he wasn't as ready to deal with this as he had thought. Hunt. Bite. Rend. Feed. Sleep. Sex. Love. Yes, he was much better at the simple things. Those things that only took raw emotion to deal with. This was…complicated. He didn't do complicated.

Clearing his throat, he walked over to the bucket he had found rummaging around in the house. "I'll get us some fresh water from the creek. I would guess you want to clean up." He tossed a canister of wet wipes onto the mattress. "In case you don’t want to wait. The creek isn't far. I'll be right back."

Sam paused, suddenly realizing he was naked. It didn't particular bother him, but it could be inconvenient. Besides, there was no place to carry his weapons. He went back to the mattress and collected his clothes, still avoiding meeting Dean's eyes. He knew his red eyes would only unsettle the man further.

Dean blinked a little when Sam abruptly got up from the mattress, refusing to look at him. Dean was still more than a little shell shocked by the vampire’s appearance, and didn’t react right away. But when Sam made it clear that he was leaving that finally kick started his stunned brain to working and when the other man approached to gather his clothes, Dean saw up and reached out to grab Sam’s wrist. Not caring for the moment how uncomfortable the movement was.

“Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean… I was just surprised. Don’t leave, ok?” Dean pleaded with the vampire, glad he was able to string that much together when his brain was still trying to play catch up with what was going on. He still didn’t even know how they had ended up naked in bed together again, his stomach covered with dried come and now he could see the same on Sam’s skin, which made him blush slightly.

He could deal with that later though, right now Dean was for more concerned by Sam’s appearance. His eyes… what the fuck had happened to his eyes? There was a lot that Dean didn’t know about vampires, he was willing to admit that in front of anyone. It wasn’t really his “specialty” he knew enough to kill one but that was about it. But red eyes… that couldn’t fucking be good…

“Are… you ok? Do you… are you hungry or something?” Dean asked, remembering how the vampire had spoken before about needing to go hunt for some deer. Maybe Dean shouldn’t have stopped the other man… especially if Sam was hungry…

The fingers wrapped around his wrist surprised him. Dean's confusion was plain in his scent and his rapidly beating heart clearly indicated his fear. Sam saw Dean take in his own come covered stomach and chest, and a slight smile pulled at his lips when Dean blushed. He so loved to see Dean blush.

Dean's question brought a bark of laughter from him. "Red doesn't mean I'm hungry, but you probably won't ever see a vampire with red eyes unless they're feeding or furious. The animal is unleashed when a vampire's eyes are red." He contemplated a minute and gave a softer laugh. "Actually, I am hungry but surely you realize you are in absolutely no danger from me? I couldn't hurt my bloodmate. I would starve first." He settled down beside Dean and rested his hand over the one that still gripped his wrist so tightly. "I won't leave if that's what you want, but really, you could stand at the window and see me most of the way to the creek." He studied the confusion still plain on Dean's face and sighed. He really wished the human part of him had explained, but when had he had the chance? He certainly wasn't going to tell Dean while they were being held by the vampires and prior to that, they had the big fight and Dean was probably leaving him. Complicated. He didn't know how well he could explain but he would try. He disengaged his wrist from from Dean's grasp and picked up the wet towellettes. He pulled one out and began cleaning Dean's chest and stomach.

"You are my blood soulmate. I couldn't tell you until you knew I was a vampire, and I wasn't about to tell you that unless you were staying with me. And you weren't. Once Vanessa had us and you learned I was a vampire, I didn't dare tell you. The terrible things they could have done to us, Love, it would have made the rest seem like nothing.

"Bloodmate is part of the reason I am so attracted to you and you to me." Sam paused long enough to cup the side of Dean's face. "Even if you weren't bloodmate, I would have loved you." He pulled out another towel and continued cleaning Dean free of the come. "Bloodmate means your blood has exactly everything I…the vampire…desires in blood. Our blood is a perfect complement to each other. You are enough vampire to know me as your bloodmate and that confuses me. When you were saved, when the new virus expelled or destroyed the animal demon that tried to bind with your soul, that should have been the end of it. You are human but you are not. You are vampire but you are not. I do not understand, but I am only a vampire. The human part of me is broken and I do not know how to fix it. That part might understand better than I do. The animal is not known for being particularly intelligent. We are granted human intelligence but we are still more emotion than brain." Sam gave shrug. The truth was the truth.

"I will try to stay under control around you. Without the human to keep me in check I am only a vampire. I will not feed from you, but I am strongly drawn to you. You have only to tell me 'no' and I will obey. I will," Sam smiled, a hint of evil slipping into his eyes, "play dirty. I will call to my bloodmate in you. It may encourage you to give me what I want. I might expose you to my blood, to further encourage you. If you do not want me, now that you know this, you can fight it without great difficulty. I refused my first bloodmate for three months. And just as I would not feed from you, I would never force you. To hurt you in any fashion…I can not. Maybe that is why I am broken. She forced me to hurt you."

Dean frowned a little when Sam laughed at his question. He’d thought Sam being hungry was a perfectly reasonable assumption to why his eyes might be red, either that or he’d smoked a serious joint sometime last night and hadn’t shared. What the hell did he know? It wasn’t as though Dean knew any other vampires, how was he supposed to know it meant the… The what was released!? Animal? What the hell did that mean?

When the vampire went on to admit that he was hungry but reassured Dean that he was in no danger of becoming Sam’s next meal, the young hunter nodded. He trusted Sam, probably a hell of a lot more than he should, but after everything they went through how could he not? Even if Sam was a vampire, he trusted Sam with his life. Still, to hear that Sam would rather starve first before feeding on him… that did surprise him a little. Dean might not know any other vampires on a personal level, but he did know how mindless killers they could become when they were weak and starving. Back at the barn Sam had even warned him to chain him up if they were rescued if… if his eyes became red… like now…

Blood… what? Dean’s eyebrows climbed as his confusion rose another few notches. Bloodmate? What the fuck was that? What was even more confusing was when he realized Sam was using the term to refer to him. Dean definitely knew what the latter part of the term meant and… he didn’t know what to think, he really didn’t.

When Sam settled down beside him and started cleaning off his stomach, Dean felt his cheeks warm even more. Damn it, he really had to stop doing that, but he couldn’t help it. It was so… intimate... and the look on the vampire’s face. He almost stopped Sam from doing what he was doing, insisting he could clean himself off… but then Sam’s words from yesterday came back to him. How Sam… needed… to take care of him, Sam had practically begged him, and Dean had promised he would allow it. He hadn’t realized things like this would be on the list of what Sam meant by taking care of him, but he decided to say nothing and just let the other man clean him off. Listening as Sam explained… and feeling as though a feather could knock him over…

He wasn’t sure what shocked him more. Sam telling him that they were… vampire soulmates or something and that was apparently the reason he had a thing for Sam’s blood and why he kept ending up in bed with Sam. Sam admitting that he would have loved him even if they weren’t’ so hot for each other’s blood. Or all of the other man’s talk about animal demons and that Sam himself… the human part… was broken…

Dean opened and shut his mouth a few times, not really knowing where to begin. Sam was talking about himself as though he were two people. Like some kind of weird personality disorder for vampires. Sam was talking to him but it wasn’t Sam? It was… some kind of demon? The part that made a vampire a vampire… well why not? No one really knew what happened to a human once they drank a vampire’s blood. The changes were definitely more than physical. So… they were part demon and part human. Guess that explained why wards and stuff that worked on full blooded demons didn’t work on vampires.

So, if this wasn’t Sam, where was Sam? The… vampire… part of Sam said he was… broken, and didn’t know how to fix himself. Ok, that worried Dean. That worried him a lot. Because obviously the Sam he knew, the human part of him was what was in control most of the time. Sam had said he didn’t kill humans for food… but what would this part do? How was Dean supposed to control him? He wasn’t sure he liked the look in the vampire’s eyes or hearing Sam talk so bluntly about trying to trick him into having sex with him, it obviously already happened once, but that was probably the least of his worries right now.

He had to try to reach Sam… the human part… how the hell was he supposed to do that? He wasn’t a fucking shrink… Dean felt his throat close up a little when Sam speculated the reason he might be “broken” was because that vampire bitch had forced Sam to hurt him…

“That wasn’t your fault. I know she would have done a hell of a lot worse to me if you hadn’t. It wasn’t you hurting me, it was her hurting us both. I don’t blame you for that…” Dean said as sincerely as he could manage, unfortunately even if he really believed that, it didn’t stop the nightmares… Dean forced that thought away. It certainly wasn’t going to help Sam right now. “Can you… talk to the human part? Can I? Can he hear me at all?”

Confusion. He had done a poor job of trying to explain it all. Said too much without saying enough.

"It was all my fault. Vanessa only cared about you because she thought we were working together. Thought I might care about you and could use you to hurt me. Everything that happened to you was because of me. I have killed so many of my kin. I killed four of her children. I am a vegetarian, and a child of Anastasia." Sam finished cleaning Dean free of the dried come and was suddenly at a loss what to do with his hands. "She killed my wife," Sam said softly. "Jessica was a bloodmate too. The animal wanted to turn her but the human wouldn't let that happen. But Vanessa turned her. Starved her…raped her…and killed her. Jessica died because of me. Everyone dies because of me. You almost died because of me. You were tortured and raped because I love you. You should blame me. You should hate me."

Sam tentatively touched Dean's hair, running his fingers through the dark locks, petting his hair. He needed to tell Dean why he gave in, why he agreed to hurt Dean. "Vanessa was going to … remove…any 'unnecessary' parts from you if I didn't hurt you. She made me say those terrible things to you, those things that they made me feel about myself."

Sam furrowed his brow at Dean's questions. "I can communicate with the human part. I am more…animal…in there than not, but I can communicate. I have tried to talk to him but he won't listen to me. The human sits, collapsed, just outside the barn. He wants to go back inside so you can torture him. So the nests of those he has killed can torture him and rape him, because he deserves it. Because he failed you….because you don't love him and never could love someone like him. Someone who begged them to fuck him. Someone who begged them to let him suck them off. Someone who was forced to say again and again what a slut, a whore, and a cunt he was. He-I-we believes that now. They made us believe that. We were strong for you. We were strong for you for as long as we could be. I think that because you have woken up, the human now considers you safe and able to take care of yourself now. Can he hear you? Yes." Sam let his hand fall away from Dean's hair and he bowed his head. "I just don't know if he wants to."

Dean knew he was staring at the vampire with shock and horror plain as day written on his face but he couldn’t make himself stop. As Sam, the part of Sam that was more demonic, animal, or whatever, told him things that Dean knew for certain the more human part of the vampire would have never have said aloud, not to him, not to anyone.

The young hunter knew there were tears in his eyes, and many times he wanted to tell Sam to just stop. To interrupt and deny the horrible things Sam was saying about himself, but he was afraid to at the same time. If Sam didn’t tell him what it was, then how could Dean even begin to try to undo the damage? So he forced himself to remain silent, forced himself to listen, even though he felt like he was drowning in the misery that dripped from every syllable Sam uttered.

God… how could Sam believe what he believed about himself? How it was his fault… it wasn’t Sam’s fault. Sam would have never been in that mess in the first place if it wasn’t for Dean. Dean was the reason they were at Jacob’s in the first place, after all. Dean was the reason they were captured, he had a feeling the vampires would have never been able to get the jump on Sam if Dean hadn’t been distracting him. Sam had let them do all those things to him because of him, to keep him from being hurt worse… and he blamed himself… Sam thought of himself a slut and a whore… A part of Dean had believed everything that Sam had screamed to him while he was whipping him… he had never imagined Sam might believe the same thing.

And Sam’s wife, shit. He hadn’t known… how could he have known? Sam had only just mentioned his wife when they were captured. He hadn’t known they had tortured and killed her. No wonder Sam was completely fucked up… and Sam had been tending to him all this time, hiding all of it, taking care of him when he’d been dying inside.

When Sam began to describe how Sam was trapped inside his mind, waiting… fuck… waiting to be punished, raped, tortured, by those fucking vampires, by him, it was all too much for Dean. It was like they never got out. Like they never escaped. It was like Sam had saved him, but not himself, and Dean couldn’t have stopped the tears spilling down his cheeks if he tried. He pushed himself up, not giving a damn about the pain in his back, as he embraced Sam as tightly as he could. Struggling to come up with the words that would make Sam listen to him, even if he didn’t want to.

“You bastard.” He whispered into Sam’s ear, choking a little on the words because they hurt so much but he forced himself to say them. “So I should believe everything you said about me? How I wanted it because I moaned like a whore while they were fucking me? What a slut I was while they were taking me three different ways? Because they said it? Because they forced you to say it, that makes it true?

“You never would have said those things, done those things, if it wasn’t for me. Guess that makes it all my fault then, doesn’t it? My fault we were at Jacob’s in the first place. My fault we were captured. Or did you forget where you found me in the first place, hanging in that nest? If I didn’t get myself caught in the beginning, we never would have met, and none of this would have happened. If it wasn’t for you, I’d still be hanging there, I’d be a vampire now, and they’d be fucking me and tearing up my body into shreds like they did to you.

“So, that makes it my fault. My fault you let yourself be raped. My fault they tortured you. My fault I was raped. Because I was such a fucking whore and that’s all I’m good for huh? I was already used like a whore once, guess that makes me a pro. No wonder they enjoyed it so much. You told me there was nothing they could do to me to make you not love me. They did all the things to me that they did to you. Were you just lying out of your ass then?

“Maybe we should just go back then? Let them pick up where they left off. Since we both deserve it so much, why the hell did we bother to escape in the first place?”

The animal watched and hoped. Circled the human and whined. Nudged the human. Begged the human to hear their bloodmate. Hear his pain. The real bloodmate that waited for him outside of their mind, not the bloodmate in the barn being tortured. The bloodmate that held him. The bloodmate that cried for him. Could the human not smell his tears? Taste the fear, taste the love, taste the anger?

The human cried but still didn't move. The animal paced, unsure. Anger. The bloodmate used anger and guilt. Perhaps…

Our mate is in such pain because of you. He loves us. He does not say it, but he loves us. If you will not return then I have no choice. Our mate is in too much pain. You were willing to kill him, to save him from their hands, from such torture and pain. He is still in their hands because you are still in their hands. I will not force him to suffer this pain. I will not let him suffer the agony of your loss. You rest. You find your peace. I will take care of our bloodmate. I will be quick. I will make love to him a final time and then at the end I will feed from him, steal his last drop of life. Then I will hunt. Jacob will feel such pain when he sees you are lost to us. I will snap his neck quickly so he does not suffer. Bobby, our bloodmate's almost father, he I will kill too. I will not let our dead bloodmate's friend suffer the loss of the bloodmate. Vanessa will only hunt him down anyway and it will save him from her. I will find all of Jessica's family and friends. Vanessa will hunt them down because of you. I will not let them experience the end of their lives at her hands. Once I have found them all, killed them all, I will take us back to Vanessa so she can punish you as you desire to be punished. It will be okay because there will be no one left that she can find and torture. And you will find your peace as she cuts deeply into your flesh. As she forces us to feed from innocents, to kill innocents as her children uses your body for pleasure. Our mother will wait patiently for your arrival in Hell. She then will punish you for all the lives you took or caused to be taken. All your wishes will be granted. You will suffer as you deserve to suffer. Because you are not strong enough.

I will take him now. He may not want me to, but I can force him. He likes to be forced, just as you do. Can you not hear his words? He is ready for this. He deserves this.

…you know I will do what I promise.

The animal turned from the broken human and began to return to the outside world. He would keep his promise. As much as it hurt him, he would. The only thing he lied about was that he would force his bloodmate. That he would not do unless he had absolutely no choice, but he was certain he would be able to convince his bloodmate to make love to him soon enough. He would tell his bloodmate it was the only way to prove to the broken human the love their bloodmate had for him. Dean would do it to save Sam. And then he would slowly drift off as his blood was drained, happy, and free of the nightmares that would plague otherwise him…

No! Sam screamed at him as he tackled him. You will not hurt Dean!

The animal snapped at him, fought with him. You are too cowardly! You are too weak! You will only fail him again! the animal snarled.

I will protect him! Sam declared and forced the animal back into the cage he lived in.

You haven't the strength to face him. You haven't the strength to face them! The animal insisted as it struggled to wrench itself free of the cage.

You haven't the strength to beat me, Sam hissed. He turned, pausing and feeling the fear fill him. Maybe the vampire animal was right…no. He would do what he had to to protect the man he loved…

"I didn't mean any of those things I said," Sam whispered as tears spilled down his cheeks and he gingerly embraced Dean. "None if it is your fault. None of it is my fault, either, okay? She did this to us. I will hunt her down and make her pay for the things that she did to us. For what she made us do. As soon as you are fully recovered, I will go after her and she will die. I promise you that. I love you Dean Winchester. I love you like I have never loved anyone else. Forgive me."

Dean didn’t know what the hell he was doing, and the longer Sam remained silent and still in his arms the more afraid for the vampire, and himself, he became. What if he was only making things worse? He hated saying those things to Sam. He hated saying aloud everything he felt inside. He hated the crushing feeling of hopelessness it caused in his chest. Saying things he would have rather bitten off his own tongue than admit in any other situation. But he had to try to make Sam listen to him. He had to do something. Sam had saved him, time and again, he wasn’t going to leave him to suffer like this. He didn’t care what it took, he’d do anything…

When Sam’s arms finally wrapped around him carefully, Dean held his breath. Was it really too much to hope for everything would be “magically” all right with just a few words? Sam spoke… and even though his voice didn’t really sound any differently Dean knew, somehow he just knew, that Sam was back.

Feeling almost weak with relief Dean practically sagged in the other man’s arms, holding onto Sam just a little bit tighter, his fingers petting through the vampire’s long hair in slow soothing motions. When he felt the hot splash of Sam’s tears against his neck, heard Sam’s words of love and plea for forgiveness he had to choke back another sob. As much as he hated to he started to release the vampire, pulling back so he could look at Sam square in the eyes, eyes that were thankfully back to normal.

“You’re an idiot you know that? You haven’t done anything that needs my forgiving, but if you pull that shit again I’m going to kick your ass.” Dean said, giving the vampire a small grin that was only slightly forced. “And what’s this you’ll hunt her down crap? Who the hell says you get to go after her alone? I’ve got as much right to gut the bitch as you do.”

Sam felt Dean's relief and his tighter embrace made Sam's tears flow a little harder even as the gently stroking fingers seemed to ease something inside him. He didn't want to break the embrace but reluctantly let Dean go. Dean's accusations and threat almost made him laugh.

He used his thumb to wipe away the tears on Dean's face. "You couldn't kick my ass if you tried, Hunter," he scoffed with a half-smile, but then grew a little more serious. "I wouldn't mind the help taking her down. But I swear, I'll kick your ass if you get hurt."

He really didn't want Dean coming along. He wanted the young man safe, but he had already come to the conclusion Dean was damned stubborn and headstrong. Better he agree than tell him 'no.' He suspected Dean would simply try to hunt her down himself.

After a moment his small smile was replaced by concern that flickered across his face. He really didn't know what happened while he was…away. He heard Dean's harsh words, the words that dragged him out from his own self-imposed exile. Before that…the animal was out. If the animal was out, it was probably in control and talking to Dean. Based upon what Dean said, the animal told the young man things that Sam would probably be horrified for him to know. He knew the animal had panicked when it feared its bloodmate was being threatened. The thought of the animal interacting with Dean almost scared him. His eyes went to the bite on the hunter's shoulder and he cringed. Dammit. That better be a love bite, but even if it was, that shouldn't have happened.

"You're learning all sorts of things about vampires most hunters would never know. I guess you got the rare privilege of dealing with the animal part of me. I hope it was…well-behaved. The animal tends to be very violent, very unpleasant to deal with." Sam's hand drifted down to the bite on Dean's shoulder. "I'm sorry it did this. It didn't attack you did it? I would be…surprised if it hurt you, but it can be unpredictable. You are…" Sam inhaled a deep breath. "We have a special blood connection," he admitted. "I haven't really had a chance to explain but that connection ought to have been enough to keep it from hurting you. I'm sorry you had to deal with the animal. I know it came out because you were scared of something, for what that's worth. I'm sorry I didn't—I was confused. But I should have been here for you and I wasn't."

Dean frowned, visibly bristling a little at Sam’s dismissing comment that he couldn’t kick his ass if he tried. The bastard. Sam had no fucking idea what he was capable of. Just because the events so far had put him in a condition where he’d needed Sam’s help, needed the vampire to take care of him, didn’t mean he was some kind of pansy ass. Until now he hadn’t been anywhere near in top condition around the vampire and as soon as he was Dean vowed he was going to make Sam eat his words.

After that not so subtle wound to his pride, Sam wiping at the tear tracks on his face and the vampire’s look of concern made the young hunter feel more than a little self conscious and uncomfortable. Especially when the vampire’s eyes lingered on his neck, and Dean didn’t even need to put his hand there to know what Sam was looking at, even if he’d been a little too preoccupied to notice before…

Dean cleared his throat, releasing Sam and pulling away slightly when the other man touched his neck. The bite mark there more tender than he thought it would be, but it didn’t hurt. Dean was feeling a little tired and worn out though now that the drama was over and he settled back down on the mattress, which was only marginally more comfortable, and pulled the blanket around him.

“No, you… it… didn’t attack me. It wasn’t violent at all, all things considered, it was pretty polite.” Dean reassured Sam, giving the other man a lopsided grin and a shrug, but decided it might be best not to tell the vampire that he didn’t really remember getting that bite or what else they’d obviously done.

Dean found his cheeks colored a little when Sam started talking about the whole blood mate thing. He had to admit, he didn’t understand the whole thing, but now probably wasn’t a good time to go into that. Saving Sam the trouble of having to explain it to him all over again, Dean admitted, “You, he, told me. That I’m your “blood-mate” or something.”

When Sam started again with the apologies and self deprecation, Dean frowned again.

“Oh for fuck sake, Sam, cut it out. I’m a big boy, you know? You don’t have to apologize for everything, and I don’t need you to hold my hand all the time either. We’re both pretty fucked up because of all this, ok? You don’t have to pretend everything’s ok and make everything better for me. That’s just going to drive you crazy, I… should know.” Dean swallowed hard and looked away, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. It seemed so fucking weird for him to be saying this, since he was the fucking master of denying and burying shit he didn’t want to deal with. Trying to hide the fact that he had been raped from his father and just forgetting about it hadn’t worked. Trying to drown himself in alcohol and almost kill himself after his father had died certainly hadn’t helped either. And after seeing what it could do to Sam… “You just… don’t have to apologize. We’re in this together, right?”

Sam tried to imagine the animal in him being polite and that thought was almost beyond ridiculous. Still, for how he felt about Dean, and the animal being the source of the bloodmate desires, it treated Dean with care. It loved Dean as much as he did. If Dean had lingering vampire traits as he obviously did, and had the bloodmate responses, then…bloodmate calls to bloodmate and Sam almost groaned at that thought. Dean had no demon in him beyond the virus. At least, he didn't think Dean did. Hell, he didn't know and it made his head hurt just to think about it.

He tried to imagine how the animal might have explained the bloodmate concept to Dean and sighed at that thought too. Who knew? He kept the animal on a short leash, tightly controlled as most vegetarians did. They couldn't be vegetarians if they didn't. His soul was thoroughly entwined with that of the demon inside him and maybe he didn't give the animal as much credit as he should. It was smart enough to bait him after all and get him to return to face the real world. He was frankly surprised the animal didn't try to maintain control. He would have to think on that. It usually wasn't particularly easy to talk with the demon; he and it were usually much more merged than they were at the moment. But with it back in its cage, he was beginning to feel something approaching normal again, even if he was pretty shaken to his core.

Fucked up. Yes they both were seriously fucked in the head thanks to the bitch. Of course he had been trying to convince Dean everything was okay. Dean had been dealing with turning, then not turning, then sleeping with Sam, the ramifications of the cure, and worst of all, with what happened in the nest.

Sam settled down beside Dean. "Yeah, I did have to pretend everything was okay. You needed something to hang on to. Your life has been totally ripped up by the roots. Pretending everything was okay for you made it easier for me to believe everything was okay for me." The vampire shrugged. "So sue me. I needed that too. Probably still do, so deal."

Feeling the thin layer of dried come crackle a little when he sat, he looked down and sighed. "I see the animal was a busy boy. I sure as hell would like to have sex with you once without the animal getting most of the fun," Sam muttered. "Of course I'd like to have sex with you when you aren't turning, or recovering from turning, or apparently, recovering from injuries."

He plucked a wet towel from the canister and began scrubbing. "Bastard could as least clean up after himself," Sam growled. Once he felt semi-clean, he looked up at the young hunter, deciding he better address the last of Dean's comment so Dean didn't think he was in it alone.

"Yeah, we are in this together. We'll get through it together. And fine, I'll stop apologizing, but it's going to take me awhile not to blame myself for this." He held up his hand, stopping any protest Dean might want to respond with. "Doesn't matter how you feel or what you think about it. Doesn't matter what my brain thinks about it. It's how I feel and that's not going away just because you or I want it to."

With a wave of his hand he ordered, "You need sleep. Get some. And as you're drifting off into Never Never Land, contemplate what the hell you're going to tell your friend about me. Either we tell him I'm a vampire, or come up with a good explanation why they didn't turn me. And if you tell him I'm a vampire, I'd really like some reassurance he isn't going to decide a machete is his preferred means of dealing with me. Most hunters don't accept the idea of vegetarians."

As much as he tried not to Dean couldn't help feeling the flash of guilt as Sam explained why he'd been pretending he was "fine" when obviously he wasn't. Of course Dean knew it had been because of him, because Sam thought he'd needed that, and the worst part of it was that Sam was right. He had needed Sam to be a rock to cling to so he wouldn't drown, and instead he had pushed the other man under in order to save himself.

No more. Dean had gotten through this once before on his own, he could do it again. He hoped he could do it again… Right now he felt pretty stable, but he knew that could change at the drop of a hat. He'd deal with that when it happened, there wasn't much else to do about it.

Dean raised an eyebrow however at Sam's sudden attitude, and he wasn't sure whether to be amused by all of the vampire's mutterings or pissed off at the other man ordering him around. He settled on mildly annoyed, and caught the hand that Sam had waved at him dismissively and gave the vampire a mild glare.

"Ok, first of all? I'm not your bitch to order around. Second? Lose the PMS, your "animal" was less snappy. Third, I've been sleeping, you haven't. Judging by how cranky you are its you who needs the nap, so…" Dean scooted over a little on the mattress and released Sam's hand to pat beside him. "Lay down."

While Sam was sleeping Dean could use the time as the vampire suggested to figure out what he was going to tell Bobby about Sam. The easiest thing would probably be to tell him the truth. That Sam was a vampire. Especially considering he'd rarely been able to bullshit the older hunter successfully and Bobby was smart, a hell of a lot smarter than Dean apparently, and would probably eventually figure out what Sam was on his own.

The stickier question of course was what would Bobby think about Sam being a vampire? Dean thought he could explain everything in a way that the older man wouldn't want to take off Sam's head… but then again the way Bobby had acted towards Sam when he thought he had taken advantage of Dean… and then Bobby had thought Sam was human…

Ok, so maybe this was going to be harder than he thought…

Dean taking his hand surprised him and he felt his cheeks warm a little. He didn't expect the annoyed look but found it funny as hell when coupled with Dean's mild outrage. A multitude of retorts to the bitch comment came to mind but he decided it was best not to voice any of them. The thought his animal was more civil to Dean than he was being, that was a light slap on his face. He was being bitchy, wasn't he? He knew Dean was tired, and was touched that Dean was concerned about his welfare. The thought of going to sleep honestly terrified him, but he didn't want Dean to know that, so he focused on his amusement at Dean's response.

"You're cute when you're pissed." Sam chuckled. "I'm not allowed to apologize to you or I would. You're right. I'm tired and I'm hungry. I don't really remember the last time I got a good night's sleep. And don't go blaming yourself for that. It wouldn't have mattered if you were here or not, I would have still stayed up, paranoid as hell. When a hunter gets on my trail I'll stay up for a week straight until I feel comfortable I've lost them. I don't know if you know Elkins, but guys like him who can take one look at me and just seem to know, scare the hell out of me. Your friend…I was really worried he would be able to tell with one look. Maybe all the hickies distracted him." Sam grinned at Dean and slid down on the mattress. He couldn't stop the sudden fright that filled him at the thought of closing his eyes. Last time he closed his eyes and tried to sleep…

"Would you…would you lay beside me?" He tried to hide his fear but he knew he did a sucky job of it. Trying to sound less needy, he added, "There's only one blanket and I'm cold."

Dean rolled his eyes a little at the “cute” comment, though a small smile tugged at his lips anyway, a light chuckle escaping from him when Sam mentioned the possible reason why Bobby hadn’t pegged Sam as a vampire before. He was probably right. Bobby was one hell of a hunter, at least as good as his Dad if not better. The older man had probably been worried about him first, and then the whole blow up afterwards distracted Bobby from taking a closer look at Sam. Only more of a reason why Dean should think up a really good way to break it to Bobby that Sam was a “good” vampire before the older hunter figured it out for himself and did something none of them would like.

“Told you his bite was just as bad as his bark.” Dean said as he watched the other man lay down beside him, and didn’t fail to notice the sudden trepidation creep into Sam’s eyes when he did. It wasn’t any surprise really why Sam might be reluctant to go to sleep, especially now that Dean knew what was going on in Sam’s head. Maybe he shouldn’t have suggested Sam sleep now, after he just “woke up” but Sam needed to rest just as much as he did. He’d been hurt too, vampire or not, the body needed rest to heal itself… and food…

Unfortunately Dean couldn’t really do anything about the food problem… well he could… but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to offer that. Even though he had once already, but that had been an entirely different situation.

When Sam asked him if he would lay down with him, Dean offered the other man a small reassuring smile and nodded. Scooting closer and adjusting the blanket so it would cover the both of them. Then after a moment’s thought, he slid over even further so that he was laying half on top of the vampire, wrapping his arms around Sam.

“This good?”

Sam was glad his cute comment and the hicky comment hadn't annoyed Dean, but he was a little disappointed he didn't pull a blush out of the man. When Dean laid down beside him without hesitation it pleased him, but the hunter surprised Sam when he stretched out over top of him. He felt tears try to fill his eyes but fought them back. He was slowly destroying his reputation as being a bad-ass with Dean anyhow and he sure as hell didn't need to be sobbing like a girl over Dean's kindness but it meant so much to have Dean there. He hadn't revealed these sorts of feeling to anyone in a long time, and he probably wouldn't have given a choice. Damn his animal in deciding to get all soft and gushie with Dean. Still, it felt nice to have someone looking out for him. It had been a long time since that had happened too. He slid his arm under Dean's side and his other hand he rested lightly on Dean's waist.

"Yeah. It's good," Sam agreed, gratitude in his eyes. "I'll probably sleep deeply. I'm going to try anyhow. I usually don't dream when I sleep that deep. I can at least hope I won't, and with you here…it'll help," he said with a weak smile. "Maybe I'll wake up by dusk when the deer are out. If not, I'll have to take one down at dawn if none wander by during the night." He saw a look pass over Dean's face and laughed a little. "I'm vegetarian, remember? I don’t expect you to feed me. I'm not going to turn down any offer you feel comfortable making me, but certainly right now, you need your strength as much as I do."

He snuggled up to Dean with a contented sigh and shut his eyes. "We need to think about getting in to town tomorrow. Bobby's already punched me once and he hits damned hard. I've had quite enough abuse to last me a few years, but if we don't get him called soon, he may decide I was trying to keep you to myself. Jake's going to be just as worried as Bobby. We've been friends since he was practically just a kid." After a moment he said softly, "Thank you, Dean."

Dean returned the vampire’s faint smile and nodded when Sam told him he’d probably sleep deeply. He wasn’t really sure what that meant, but he did hope that Sam was right and that the other man wouldn’t dream. He wished he could do the same. Sleep deeply enough so that he’d never dream again… but that usually didn’t happen except with large quantities of alcohol. After his last round of nightmares, Dean was certain he wasn’t going to shut his eyes any time soon without a bottle of the hardest liquor he could get his hands on beforehand. Well, that would give him plenty of time to figure out what to do, and what to tell, Bobby…

He had to admit, he was a little relieved that Sam wasn’t going to ask him for any of his blood. Not that it had hurt or anything the last time the vampire had drank from him, but right now it would probably only bring up bad memories and he had enough of those.

Dean couldn’t help but chuckle softly when Sam mentioned how hard Bobby hit. When the other man pressed even closer to him and shut his eyes, Dean lifted his hand to run gently through the vampire’s hair. Not really thinking about what he was doing as he practically pet the other man, but after everything Sam had done for him a little comfort was the least he could offer the other man. And he had to admit it felt… nice. Being able to take care of Sam like this made him feel a little less helpless and a little more in control. He definitely needed that…

“You’re welcome. Get some sleep.” Dean said softly, brushing his lips lightly over Sam’s forehead.