Ugh…

He was dying, he was sure of it… or his head was getting ready to explode… maybe both. Sure under normal circumstances if the second thing happened the first would probably follow, but right now Dean wouldn't have been surprised if his head exploded and his body stubbornly went on living just to make him suffer more.

No, it wasn't the worst hangover of his life. Maybe. But it was damned close. Surely the blow to the head and beating he'd taken in the bar fight wasn't helping making him feel any better. Yeah, he remembered that… kind of. But he didn't need to remember really when he was feeling every bruise from every punch he'd taken and his head felt like it was getting ready to crack open and spill his brains out like an egg, to put the pieces together about what had happened last night.

Dean groaned into the pillow his face was smashed into and wondered briefly if maybe in fact he'd been turned into a zombie when he wasn't paying attention, but no, it was just a hangover. He wasn't craving brains after all. He wasn't craving anything. In fact, his stomach was telling him it would much rather turn itself inside out right now and since Dean really didn't want to sleep in his own puke today he forced his arms under him, pushed himself up from the bed, and quite literally stumbled to the bathroom to heave his guts out.

Sam slept fitfully, waking up everytime Dean snorted in his sleep, or shifted, or even breathed loudly. He was paranoid that Dean would wake up, realize what Sam had done, and then leave him. Hell, he had left Sam once already, and it had only been because Sam had been disobeying him. This level of fuck up was so monumental that this time, Dean wouldn't be coming back for him.

When Dean groaned, Sam snapped awake from his light sleep, but he stayed still as death while listening to his brother moving around the room, stumbling on his way to the bathroom. As soon as the bathroom door closed, Sam sat up in bed, staring at the bathroom door and remembering, in vivid detail, what he had done to Dean last night and just how damn good it had felt.

Good enough to go to hell for. Totally worth it. But not worth losing his brother over.

Sam bit his lip, slowly getting out of bed. He knew what he had to do. He'll try and make it up to Dean. He'll be the best little brother. He'll do whatever Dean said - within reason - and make it up to him with as much as he could. He quickly pulled his jeans on before checking on the cut on his side. The bandage was pristine white so it hadn't bled overnight. That's good. Sam even guessed he might be able to take the bandage off by tonight, air out the wound a little. But he'll let Dean decide about that.

He pulled his jacket on and grabbed his wallet. He'll get breakfast today.

Sam was out of the door and nearly halfway across the parking lot before he realized his mistake and jogged back to the room, scribbling 'Coffee/breakfast. B back 5 min' on the motel notepad and then rushed out again.

He told himself he wasn't running from Dean, because he wasn't, but it was also true that he didn't want to face his brother just yet.

It barely took fifteen minutes to get everything, and he knew he had underestimated the amount of time it would take him to get back, but he hadn't been rushing either. It was nearly twenty minutes after he had left the room that he got back, opening the door and stepping inside with a cardboard tray with two coffees on it in one hand and a small paperbag with donuts and danishes in the other.

Once the dry heaves had passed, Dean remained where he was keeling on the floor next to the toilet. He rested his forehead against the cold porcelain for a long time, hoping that eventually his head would stop spinning like his brain was on a merry go round from hell. When he finally felt like he could stand up without his stomach going through another painful set of dry heaves, Dean stood and immediately turned on the shower as hot as he could stand. He hoped that the hot water would clear his head and make him feel a little less zombie like.

A good fifteen minutes later, thankfully the motel had decent water pressure and it had remained hot the entire time, Dean was feeling a bit better and definitely more human. With coffee and a few of their stronger pain killers from the first aid kit he’d probably feel a hell of a lot better.

Dean wrapped a towel around his waist and opened the bathroom door… and felt a moment of panic when he found himself staring into an empty room. Where the hell was Sam?! How long had the younger boy been gone? He hadn’t even checked the room before he went into the bathroom, what if Sam had… left last night? Dean had certainly given his brother enough reasons to be pissed as hell with him yesterday…

Thankfully before he could dash out the door wearing nothing but a towel Dean caught sight of the note laying on the table in his brother’s distinct handwriting. The relief he felt made him feel a little weak but at least he managed to grab a bottle of pills from the first aid kit that was still sitting out before collapsing on the bed. After dry swallowing a few Dean flopped back and threw his arm over his head, patiently waiting for the painkillers to kick in.

When the door to the motel room opened a few minutes later Dean didn’t even bother uncover his head.

“Thank god you brought coffee.” He managed to groan at least when he got a whiff of the brew Sam brought in.

Sam nearly squeaked at the sight of Dean lying there, in only a too small towel, on the bed looking like he was there for an offering, like Sam could walk up to him right now and have his way with him and Dean would let him.

Sam's mind was going down the wrong road, and he was afraid his body would too if he didn't control himself.

"Yeah," Sam said in response to Dean's comment about the coffee. He put the tray of coffee on the bedside table and handed Dean's extra strong, black with one sugar to him while he picked up his own creamy coffee with three sugars. "There's sugar too," he said, dropping the bag of donuts and danishes on Dean's bare stomach and tearing his eyes away before he started lingering on the smooth, golden skin on display.

Fuck, this was going to be absolutely torturous, and Sam didn't even have any ideas on how to go about doing this.

"How're you feeling?" Sam asked, attempting to get his mind off of his worries. "You were pretty out of it last night," Sam said, ignoring the flutter of panic in his chest when he imagined Dean going like 'yeah, about that, why were you molesting me while I was out?' Sam bit his lip and dreaded Dean's response.

Dean reluctantly dropped his arm away from his face when he heard Sam come to stand by the bed. Thankfully his eyes didn’t try to explode out of his head so he figured that was an improvement. He smiled up at the younger boy as he took the offered Styrofoam cup from his brother. Unfortunately he would have to sit up to actually drink it. Damn…

He looked down at the bag that Sam dropped on his stomach. His stomach actually had the nerve to grumble a little after having just tried to turn itself inside out. But he wasn’t sure yet if he wanted to risk eating anything just yet. He might try the coffee first, see how well that went down and stayed where it belonged.

Taking the bag he set it aside within Sam’s reach if he wanted anything from it, then pushed himself up to sit on the edge of the bed. He took an experimental sip of the coffee, and when it seemed like it wouldn’t be making any spontaneous reappearances he drank some more before answering his brother’s question.

“Head hurts like a bitch.” Dean replied, his hand going to the back of his head that was still pretty tender. The other bruises he had were pretty superficial though. “Other than that, I’m fine. How about you?”

Sam shrugged, moving to lift the hem of his shirt but aborting the movement at the last moment, instead making it look like he was scratching his hip. "It's clean. No bleeding and little pain," Sam explained before taking a long drink of his rapidly cooling coffee. Sam looked away from the bag of sweets, not wanting to eat anything. Not with the weight of his guilt still so heavy. It churned in his stomach, making it feel like he was going to throw up, and Sam drank down more coffee in an attempt to try and ignore it.

He sat down on his bed, head down and staring at the warm Styrofoam cup in his hands. "So..." Sam said softly, looking up for a moment and seeing his reflection in the mirror across the room. He saw the worry and guilt there and he freaked out some more, wiping his expression clean and trying not to give anything away. "You got your GED," Sam said, feeling like shit for still wanting a home and a school and a stable life after what he had pulled last night. What right did he have to ask that of Dean? What right did he have to still ask that of Dean?

But he was selfish.

"So... what now?" Sam asked, even quieter, and wondered what Dean would say because just saying that he was going to get a stable home and a job was easy, but actually doing it... was Dean capable of it? Did Dean even want to? How long before he combusted from the normalcy of it all? How long before Dean started blaming Sam for his giving up hunting?

But Sam hoped and prayed and hoped some more that maybe, just maybe, it won't be like that and Dean would like the normalcy and maybe they could try at being a normal family...

It would be nice.

Dean gave his brother a nod. One thing their father had taught them was never lie about an injury, so he trusted Sam was telling the truth and his cut really was doing fine. After taking another sip of his coffee, Dean opened the bag of food and started poking around inside to see what Sam had gotten for them.

He chose a doughnut with chocolate frosting and sprinkles. When the first, almost cautious, bite he took produced no ill effects other than his stomach grumbling loudly for more, Dean shoved almost half the doughnut into his mouth. He licked the chocolate frosting that hadn’t quite made it from the corner of his mouth. Damn that was good.

Then Sam started asking him about his GED… what he was going to do now that he had it… and Dean couldn’t help the small huff of laughter that broke from him, rolling his eyes a little at his brother.

“Only you would ask me that when I’m hung over to all hell.” Dean muttered and shoved the remainder of his doughnut into his mouth. Sucking the sugary sweetness from his fingers as he chewed and thought about how he was going to answer his brother.

“Guess we should figure out where we want to live. I’ll start looking at help wanted ads. See if I qualify for anything. Might still have to live in motels and shit for a little while till we’ve saved enough to maybe make a down payment on a place.” Dean said and shrugged a little. That’s what normal people did, right?

Dean's mutter about Sam asking him when he was hungover made the guilty pit in his stomach deepen. He sucked in a quick breath, wondering when he was going to stop screwing everything over. Should have fucking waited, Sam berated himself. He should have waited and let Dean approach it...

But he just wanted this so badly, he was constantly terrified of Dean just saying 'fuck it, I can't' and stepping back. He knew that Dean would never do that, and he knew that Dean never ever broke his promise, but applying logic to the part of himself that was nearly sick with worry and guilt and so much fucking shame it was eating him from the inside was pretty much impossible.

Dean went on to talk about how they'll need to find a place and stuff, and Sam looked down at his coffee as Dean spoke. Dean didn't sound too enthusiastic about the whole thing, and maybe it was exhaustion and the hangover, or maybe Dean was already regretting the whole thing. But if there was one thing that made Sam not want to back away from the whole thing, it was that if Dean had a stable job and a steady income that Sam could supplement with his own after school part time shtick, then Dean wouldn't ever have to... he won't have to resort to...

Sam's ears still burned from the words the men had said in the bar yesterday. The way they had looked at his brother like he was nothing more than just a piece of meat. Sam had never felt rage like that before, and it had come with a healthy dose of sadness. Dean had been touched like that before, and Sam still couldn't stand the idea of it. It still made him sick... and last night he had touched Dean...

Oh god. How was he any better than those men? Hell, he was worse, because he had taken something that Dean didn't even know he had. At least those men had Dean's consent, even if it was a fucked up sort of consent...

The coffee churned in his stomach, going sour and making him feel sick.

"Tha-that sounds like a plan," Sam whispered, focusing on keeping his food down. "I'm... I'm just outside," he muttered quickly before he got up and left the room, taking in a deep breath of fresh air and trying to stop feeling like shit. He sank down the wall, knees pulled up and head resting on them. His wound twinged at the straining position but he didn't care. Curling in himself like this felt like he could hide away, and right now he just wanted someplace he could hide, someplace he could get his mind on the right track and get his priorities straight. "God, please," Sam prayed, eyes closed and words nearly a breath. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so fucking sorry," he said again before biting his lip and hoping he won't start crying because fuck it was about time he stopped being such a goddamn baby.

Dean couldn’t help but frown at Sam’s demeanor. The tone of the younger boy’s voice, and the way his brother looked so… crushed… was the only description that came to mind. Then Sam got up and walked out the door and Dean’s eyes followed the younger boy, equal measures of confusion and worry warring in them.

Great… just what the fuck had Dean done now?

He went over their brief conversation in his mind, trying to figure out just what the hell he’d said or done this time, but he couldn’t figure it out. Maybe Sam was still pissed off at him for yesterday, for taking him to a nudie bar and tearing up the letter and shit… Maybe… Or maybe he’d answered Sam’s question ‘wrong’ somehow. Maybe his ‘plan’ wasn’t good enough for Sam… But Dean wasn’t sure what else he was supposed to do, damn it.

While he would have loved to tell Sam they’d go house hunting today, or something, the simple fact was he had no money and he needed a job before he could get money. He’d promised Sam he’d get him a home, but he thought Sam understood it would take a little while before Dean could pull it off. Dean sighed and rubbed his hand over his face and through his hair. Maybe Sam was pissed off because he was busy getting drunk and passing out instead of looking for a job like he’d promised…

Heaving a sigh Dean got up and went over to his duffle. Grabbing a clean set of clothes out of it and putting them on. They’d have to do laundry again soon. This was his last pair of clean underwear. Maybe while they were doing laundry he could go through want ads. Maybe that would satisfy Sam for now.

Grabbing up both their bags, Dean headed out to the car.

“Let’s go. We need to do laundry.” Dean said but didn’t look at his brother, not wanting to see disappointment on Sam’s face, as he threw their stuff in the trunk.

As soon as Sam heard the motel room door open, he straightened up, trying to wipe his misery off his face because hey? He'd screwed up enough already and he wasn't going to drag Dean down with him.

He nearly scoffed. Yeah right. Sam knew he was what Dean liked to call an 'emo kid', whatever that meant. And he knew that he won't be able to keep his feelings in check long enough for him to get a handle on them. Hell, it was more likely he'll break down and cry and cry and cry sometime in the too near future. Fuck, but Sam couldn't do one thing right.

He had expected Dean to take one look at him and tell him to grow up because they had work to do. What he hadn't expected was for Dean to not even look at him, and instead tell him that they needed to do laundry. Sam felt frozen for a moment, feeling like he was back those few months ago when the rift between them was massive and growing everyday. Oh god... it was going to end up like that again, wasn't it? All because Sam hadn't been able to keep his hands to himself... all because Sam couldn't control his guilt now... all because Sam couldn't compartmentalize his emotions in neat little boxes and lock them away as well as Dean was able to do.

Sam nodded to Dean even though he wasn't looking, and thanked god that at least he hadn't been crying. Red-rimmed eyes and a swollen nose would be difficult to explain, not that Dean would have noticed with the way he was ignoring him.

Sam followed Dean to the car, getting into the passenger seat fairly quietly. He tried to keep his body language relaxed, knowing that Dean would hone in on any tension, will ignore it and make up ridiculous theories about why Sam was tense, and things would just go further downhill. But... how could Sam achieve that when all he wanted was to find some place where he could scream and cry and let it out all for once? He could feel the force of all his emotions pressing inside him, needing to be let out and he knew that once he let them out fully, he'll be able to think clearer, and that he won't feel like he was drowning in them.

"I can do the laundry," Sam said, figuring he could try and begin making up for all the crap they were going through, but he said it without meeting Dean's eyes. "You can do... whatever. I can do the laundry today," he offered. In fact, he was hoping Dean would let him do the laundry by himself. Maybe the small period of solitude will do him some good... maybe it'll do them both good.

“Fine.” Dean replied simply when Sam offered to do laundry while he went off to do ‘whatever’. Whatever… If Sam wanted to be alone, Dean wasn’t going to argue. He was too tired and hung over to go through this shit all over again, and he definitely was in no mood to get into another argument with his brother.

So, Sam could stay at the laundry mat and mope, pout, curse the ground Dean walked on… whatever… and Dean could search out the town library and start some research. He’d do a search on local job listings first and then branch out. He’d cross reference those with school districts, since Sam cared about that kind of thing and would want to go to a good school. See if any of those areas were in a price range Dean thought he could afford. Then he’d show his results to his brother, get the younger boy’s opinion about where they should live. Maybe that would make Sam happy…

It was with that plan in mind Dean pulled into the parking lot of the laundry mat and got out so he could unlock the trunk for his brother. After the younger boy had dragged both their duffels out, Dean shut the trunk and went back to the driver’s side of the car and got in.

“I’ll be back in an hour or two.” Dean told the younger boy. The place looked practically empty so it probably wouldn’t even take that long for Sam to do all their laundry but his brother could always call him if he got done early and wanted to be picked up before then.

Sam could see that somehow his offer to do laundry, which had been intended to be nice to Dean since Dean always did the laundry as well as an attempt to get his thoughts in order, had been misunderstood and now Dean looked annoyed.

If Sam felt like crap earlier, he felt even worse now. But he shut up and nodded when Dean said he'll be back in an hour or two. He watched the Impala pull away before he turned and lugged the duffels into the laundromat. He did everything on autopilot, stopping for a few moments to attempt separating the darks and lights as much as he could, but then he realized they didn't have enough lights for a full cycle so he ended up dumping everything together in the end. It wasn't like they had any new clothes that had the chance of running colour, and they didn't particularly care if one of their white shirts turned into a pale eggshell colour.

Sam figured Dean wouldn't even be able to tell the difference between white and eggshell.

Once the clothes were washing, Sam sat down on a bench across from the machine and washed the clothes go round and round in the front load window. He had half an hour on his hands where he had to do nothing but sit and wait... and mope.

He closed his eyes for a moment and immediately he saw Dean with his eyes closed, his mouth open as he gasped out his pleasure. He felt the silky hardness against his fingertips as Sam pumped Dean's cock... he could see everything in vivid detail, feel it, hell he could even smell it. When Sam opened his eyes, he was biting his lower lip to near bloody and was sporting a semi-hardon.

He was so fucked. And not even in a good way.

He sighed and put his head in his hands, elbows resting on his knees and he effectively hid his erection from the few other people in the laundromat.

"Control yourself," Sam muttered to himself, closing his eyes briefly to breathe in and then out again, "it's all just hormones and chemicals and synapses in your brain, Winchester." Sam imagined the hormones running through his body, his neurons firing, and his chemical signals fucking up. Thinking of it that way, like he was nothing more than cogs and gears and electricity and chemicals gave him a sort of comfort he was desperate for right now. He could handle this. His feelings for his brother were just a slight malfunction. He'll... he'll fix it... he was stronger than this, stronger than some molecules in the wrong place.

He could totally do this.

"Gotta stop fucking up," he whispered to himself, his words drowned in the whirring of washing machines all around him. "Gotta stop fucking up," he whispered again, thinking back to Dean looking so annoyed at him. Without warning, he felt his throat seize up and a lump form. He had to stop fucking up, because he was starting to annoy Dean, and he was starting to piss him off. He had to be perfect... do the right thing, be who Dean wanted him to be.

He just didn't know how to. He didn't know what to do when everything he said was taken the wrong way, and when he just had to look at Dean for things to go downhill. He didn't know what Dean wanted him to do. If he wanted Sam to talk, or stay quiet. If he wanted Sam to go along with things or offer other options. If Dean wanted Sam to be there for him, or for him to leave Dean the fuck alone.

Like right now, all he wanted was for Dean to hold him tight and tell him that he loved him, and that Sam wasn't fucking up, and that they were going to be okay. But he couldn't ask for that even if Dean was here right now. He was too afraid of Dean refusing him.

When the machine was done its cycle, Sam stood up and moved the clothes from the machine to the dryer, putting in the requisite coins and starting it up. In his mind, he imagined Dean walking in right now and just giving him a big, tight hug and if anything, that made him feel tons better.

Maybe... maybe when he saw Dean, he'll try and hug him. If Dean pushed him away, then he'll push him away, but if he returned it... well, he supposed they both needed a hug right about now.

With that thought in mind, he got up when the dryer was done, folded the clothes and packed them into the duffels before calling Dean to come pick him up.

Dean was able to find the library pretty easily, hell, there wasn’t much in this town to begin with anyway. It was small and a little run down but at least they seemed to have decent internet speed, none of that dial up shit. He was even able to sweet talk the young library assistant to give him free copies of whatever he needed to print.

Though he didn’t enjoy researching stuff nearly as much as Sam seemed to, he knew how and put those skills to good use now. After a couple of hours online he thought he found a few very promising prospects, decent schools, average living costs fairly low. One place he cross referenced with available jobs and found a mechanics position open at the local garage. It was only a couple hours drive, from where they were, maybe they’d have to check it out tomorrow. When he wasn’t so hung over…

After checking his watch, seeing that he was nearing the two hour mark, Dean gathered up everything he’d printed out and left the library. Throwing the librarian one last charming smile before he left, just in case he needed to come back for anything.

Five minutes later he was pulling into the parking lot of the laundry mat where he’d left his brother. Dean got out of the car and went inside to help Sam with whatever was left. Taking the papers with him to show the younger boy, hoping Sam would be pleased with his work.

Sam was just zipping up the duffels when he heard the familiar rumble of the Impala. He smiled a little, looking up to see Dean coming in with a pile of papers in his hands. Sam headed towards him, suddenly nervous about what he was about to do, but he knew that he had to. In fact, it was a bit insane how much he was angsting over just a small hug. That's how fucked up their relationship had gotten, and Sam wasn't even going to touch exactly how much he had fucked it up even more last night. He was going to try and make it up to Dean, and Dean didn't like it when Sam felt bad. It made things... difficult. Sam can be melodramatic on his own time.

Sam went to Dean, ignoring everyone else in the laundromat, and before Dean could say anything, Sam hugged Dean tightly, wrapping his arms around Dean's shoulders and holding him close. Just like that, Dean's scent filled up Sam's world and Sam breathed in deeply, feeling contentment instead of guilt for once. So Sam held on even tighter, and just enjoyed being that close to Dean.

Seeing Sam smile at him when he entered the laundry mat had Dean returning the gesture, a little hesitantly, but genuinely. He really hoped that meant whatever Sam was pissed off at him about the younger boy wasn’t anymore… or at least chosen to give him a brief respite and a chance to un-fuck whatever he’d fucked up.

Dean hadn’t really been prepared for the armful of brother he received before he could even utter a word. He hesitated only for a moment, it took that long for his shock to wear off, before Dean returned the gesture. Wrapping his arms around the younger boy’s shoulders and holding his brother close. Not really giving a damned about the other people in the laundry mat that were giving them kind of odd looks and probably thought he was some kind of pervert or something.

Though he couldn’t deny the hug made a knot inside of his chest unwind and a lump in his throat disappear he hadn’t even realized was there, he was a bit concerned at the same time. Why would Sam hug him like this in the middle of the laundry mat in front of a bunch of strangers? It wasn’t really a normal thing to do. Sure, they weren’t all that normal, but it wasn’t normal even for them.

“You ok, Sammy?” Dean finally asked gently, though he made no move to release his brother or push the younger boy away.

When Dean hugged him back just as tightly as Sam was and didn't push him away, Sam felt like he could fly he was so light. He held on to Dean, feeling a goofy smile split his face in half when Dean asked him if he was okay. His voice was gentle, there was no sarcasm or scathe in it, and so Sam felt comfortable enough to push his face into the curve of Dean's neck and just breathe in the scent of gun oil and leather and Dean.

"I'm fine," Sam whispered against soft skin, not wanting to let go yet. He supposed that for them to keep going without strangling each other, Sam would have to be more affectionate towards Dean. And he didn't mind it, specially if it meant he could hug Dean as much as he wanted, and hold on to him, and touch him. Hell, it might even quieten down his need to be with Dean in a way brothers aren't supposed to be. Maybe the answer was not to go cold turkey, but to instead keep that need satisfied by other means.

He doubted he'll ever stop wanting to kiss Dean, but he figured he could live with it.

"I'm sorry," Sam whispered, "about earlier." He really meant for 'earlier' to mean the night before, when Sam had touched Dean without his permission, but he knew Dean would probably attribute his words to mean this morning, which was fine by Sam.

When Sam assured him he was fine, Dean wasn’t sure whether to believe him for a moment. He might have pressed the younger boy, just to make sure his brother really was ok and that Sam wasn’t just telling him what he thought he wanted to hear. But he was distracted when Sam practically nuzzled against his throat and a warm flush passed through Dean that had nothing to do with embarrassment… at first.

Embarrassment quickly followed and the older boy laughed softly and gave Sam’s his brother a noogie to cover it up. Hoping that the younger boy would pull away before his body could react any more in ways it shouldn’t to having his brother’s warm body pressed up against him.

What the hell?

“No problem, Sammy. Just let me know next time you get PMS.” Dean teased the younger boy good naturedly. Giving his brother a warm smile and smoothing his fingers through his brother’s hair he’d just mussed hoping he hadn’t just pissed Sam off at him again. A distraction might be good then.

“Hey, I did some research at the library. Wanna take a look at it?” Dean said, handing the papers he’d printed off at the library over to his brother. “Laundry all done?”

As Dean mussed Sam's hair, Sam pulled back, grinning even as he pushed Dean playfully.

"Next time I get PMS, just buy me some icecream and we'll call it even," Sam joked, winking at Dean before he swatted Dean's hands that were smoothing his hair.

As Dean mentioned the pile of papers, Sam frowned in confusion, wondering what Dean had been working on. "Laundry's done," Sam said distractedly, eyes on the papers that were talking about schools and jobs and cheap motels and apartments. "Research...?" Sam said softly, looking through the sheer number of things Dean had printed out. "Wow, Dean," Sam whispered, awed by the sudden array of possibilities stretching out in front of them. He could suddenly see a future that didn't involve him patching his brother up after a particularly brutal hunt, or a future in which their lifespan didn't reduce to just thirty years. Just the idea of a semi-normal life, with Dean there and safe and with Sam was enough to make Sam feel like crying and laughing at the same time.

"Dean..." Sam bit his lower lip thoughtfully before he looked up at his big brother. "Are you sure you want this?" He asked. "I promise I won't throw a bitchfit, and I won't ever bring it up again if you wanted to take this all back now. I swear. If you want... I mean, if you don't want this, back out now, please." Sam gave him the option, eyes wide as he begged his brother to make a selfish choice for once, to do what Dean wanted. He would hold true to his promise too. If Dean took it back now, Sam will never bring it up again. He'll disregard the whole thing as a fever dream and let it go. He could do that, but what he couldn't do was forever think that if it hadn't been for him, Dean might be on the road hunting some monster and living his dream, but instead he's cooped up in a house working a nine to five job and playing Mommy when he wasn't.

Dean had to admit, he was a little nervous as he went over to heft their two duffels while Sam looked over the papers he gave him. Though of course he tried to hide it.

What if his brother didn’t like any of the options he had printed out? Well… that was fine, he could do more research tomorrow or something with his brother’s help. But what if Sam thought he was completely clueless about all this? He so badly wanted to do this right. For Sam. He needed to do this right.

When the younger boy actually seemed impressed by his research, Dean let out a breath he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding. Grinning a little at his brother, though his smile faded somewhat when Sam went on to ask him if he was sure… he wanted this… giving him the option to back out.

Dean had told his brother that he would do this for him. He had promised. Did Sam have so little faith that he would keep his word? Had he given his brother any reason to have faith in him?

No more hunting, a ‘normal’ life… no, it had never been a dream of his. That had always been Sam’s dream. Dean had always been perfectly happy with their life as it had been, when dad was around… but now… after everything that had happened.

Dad gone, probably dead. His inability to take care of his brother without resorting to things like whoring. Almost getting Sam killed on a ‘simple’ hunt. The strain everything had put on their relationship… so bad he had actually left his brother behind thinking that’s what Sam wanted. Sam getting attacked, almost… raped… And what if Dean ever got hurt, or killed, on a hunt? Sam would be alone…

That was not the life he wanted, not for himself and definitely not for Sam. This was a chance for them both to start a new, hopefully better, life.

“I want this, Sammy.” Dean replied, and this time he meant it.

Dean's words made the guilt in Sam's chest settle a little, because he knew when Dean was lying and this time he wasn't. Sam grinned at Dean in answer, nodding once before looking back at the sheets of paper in a new light. These places, names, towns, schools suddenly didn't look bad at all, and they didn't make him think of Dean trapped in them anymore. They could have this... a home, an education, a life where Sam will have Dean and Dean will have Sam and fuck anyone else who tried to get in their way.

Sam imagined a life where they had a home, someplace where they lived for longer than a few months, where if Sam wanted to make the place prettier, it won't be a waste of time or money. Where every person he met could become a lifelong friend, and where they could have relationships outside of each other. Sam knew that eventually Dean will find someone special, and that their 'normal' life will come with consequences, but frankly if Dean was happy, then Sam was sure he, himself, will be able to move on too.

Sam smiled at the papers and then looked up at Dean again, his grin widening.

"Let's look over them later," Sam suggested, straightening the papers and putting them in his bag with more gentleness than necessary. "Together," he added pointedly, because this had to be Dean's decision as much as Sam's, and this time he wasn't going to go and get everything he wanted. He wanted Dean to get something he liked too. If Dean wanted someplace warm, then they'll look for someplace warm. If he wanted cool or if he wanted a quiet neighbourhood or a loud one, those would be his choices. Sam was determined that this time, their decisions will be a collaborative effort and not just Sam dictating what he wanted.

Dean returned his brother’s grin easily, and nodded, feeling the tightness around his heart ease considerably knowing that he had finally done something right for a change. The older boy messed up Sam’s hair one last time on their way out to the car, just to be annoying, and laughed as his brother slapped his hand away. Then he threw their duffels in the trunk and drove them back to the motel room.

Once they were back in the room Dean decided to sleep off the rest of his hangover, so he laid down and took a long nap. It was late in the afternoon when he woke up again with a huge yawn and stretch, but he felt a hell of a lot better. In fact, his stomach was demanding food right the fuck now. So Dean suggested they order some Chinese take-out.

After he came back with their food Dean spread out the papers he’d printed off at the library on the bed between them so they could look them over together while they ate.

“What do you think of that one?” Dean asked, pointing with his chopsticks as he lounged on the bed, trying not to drip too much sauce on the papers in front of him.

While Dean took his long nap, Sam had spent the time pretending to watch TV but instead watching his brother. With the curtains blocking most of the sunlight from entering the room, the place was dimly lit. In the soft shadows, Dean looked almost angelic as he slept, covers pulled up to his chin and his eyes moving rapidly under his eyelids as he dreamed. Sam tried not to be too much of a cliche by sighing and throwing Dean longing looks, but he failed when he spent nearly ten minutes staring at Dean without realizing it.

Sam was so gone for his brother it had surpassed funny and gone into mindfuck territory.

When Dean woke up, Sam appeared to be deeply engrossed in the Wildlife documentary on TV talking about the distinct behaviour patterns of Darwin's finches on the Galapagos islands, but the truth was Sam had heard maybe two words since the documentary had started.

Dean had woken up hungry, so they ordered Chinese and then ate over them, pondering the different towns. At Dean's question, Sam glanced at the papers Dean was pointing at and focused on it. It was a decent sized town, not far from where they were and the school there looked fine. The one thing that caught his eye though was that it was commuting distance from one of the universities. Sam had plans on studying further, but he hadn't discussed them with Dean yet.

"Looks nice," Sam said, "Small town means they won't confirm too much of our paperwork so we can get away with claiming you as my guardian," Sam said, glancing at Dean for a brief second before looking back down. "Looks to not be too expensive either," he said, reading over the information quickly. "I like it."

Dean nodded. Sam definitely had a point about that. They were going to have to make sure that whatever paperwork they forged to certify him as Sam’s guardian was iron clad. The last thing they needed was social services showing up after they’d gotten settled and everything. If it happened… well, it happened… he wasn’t going to let anyone take Sam away from him though, he’d pick up and run if he had to, but he’d rather not to.

The older teen started jotting down absently what kind of paperwork he’d need to get made up. Resume, past employment, at least he didn’t have to forge the GED, of course papers proving he was Sam’s guardian. Maybe it would be a good idea forging a new birth certificate and driver’s license making him a few years older so people would be less inclined to doubt his ability to take care of his brother. And they’d need to get Sam’s school records… again.

He smiled when Sam said that he liked the look of the town. It had been one of Dean’s first picks too, actually. The place wasn’t too big, but it wasn’t out in bumfuck middle of nowhere either. The schools had looked decent. Lots of properties out on the outskirts of town where they wouldn’t be bothered by nosy neighbors, a lot of fixer uppers, so they could probably get a good price on a place.

“We can go check it out tomorrow if you want?” Dean offered, since it was only a few hours drive away.

At Dean's words, Sam smiled slowly, forgetting his guilt and fear and everything else for a moment in the face of a great future. He nodded, smile widening into a grin.

"Yeah, okay," he said, looking down at the paper again, this time in a different light. This might be the place they live in... the place that they might call home...

Sam liked it. Hopefully, it'll be just as nice when they visit it.

Sam ducked his head and continued eating his meal, but his mind was a million miles away. He was daring to dream about things like having his own room, even though he didn't like the idea of sleeping away from Dean. Wanting his own room was like a token thing now, something he was supposed to want. He was also dreaming of a living room with soft couches they'll break in with wear and tear and not because they had picked them up from a dumpster somewhere. For once, someone else's trash will not be their treasure.

He was not naive enough to think that they'll have all this in the next few weeks, or even years, but the possibility of it made Sam's heart beat a little faster.

Whether they had the couch or Sam had his room or not, he knew that they'll at least have a home, and right now a studio apartment with two beds and a table and nothing else sounded amazing too.

This time, Sam will try really hard to not be a bad brother. He'll do everything he knew of to not piss Dean off, because they had tried this whole domesticity thing before and Sam didn't like thinking of that time period. Things had gone so bad that it surprised him that they managed to fix their relationship at all. After all, Dean had no reason to come back, and at some point Sam might have moved to another town, or started looking for Dean and then them running into each other would have been near impossible.

Sam had lost his brother for nearly two months, and he had felt like he had died. He never wanted a repeat performance, specially now that things were so much more complicated.

That night, Sam was so excited that he barely got any sleep, but he lay still next to Dean anyway, breathing in his brother's scent and basking in Dean's heat. He knew he shouldn't be lying next to Dean, not with what happened the night before, but he hadn't been able to stay away. So he lay there, keeping his hands and legs to himself and just let himself drift between sleeping and waking.

In fact, Sam didn't get down from his excited high until they were sitting in the car, and Sam had the window rolled down to feel the cool wind on his face as Dean drove. As much as Sam wanted a home and a normal life, sometimes what they had, like right here with Dean driving and Sam sitting next to him moaning about Dean's music, seemed to be more than enough. Sam supposed that Dean was his home, and now he just wanted Dean to have a home too.

When they went to bed that evening, Sam slept in his bed again and Dean couldn’t help but think, even though he probably shouldn’t, how much he would miss it when his brother finally decided he was too old for such things. He slept good that evening, he always seemed to sleep better when the younger boy shared his bed, always knowing exactly where his brother was. When he woke up, Dean found he was in a good mood and actually looking forward to visiting the small town on the paper he’d printed out. Even if it turned out they didn’t like it, they could always visit another, and another, until they found a place that was perfect for both of them.

So they quickly packed up their few belongings, threw them in the car, and started to drive. Dean insisted on having the windows down and the music louder than normal to compensate. Of course Sam protested, bitching about his choice of tunes, and Dean only replied by giving the younger boy a shit eating grin and started singing along with the music. Of course Sam gave him a bitch face, though the smile he could see the younger boy fighting pretty much ruined the effect.

A little before noon they were driving down the main street of Cortez, Colorado. It looked pretty much just like the search online said it would. Nice little small town, only about 8000 residents total, though it was within driving distance of much larger cities such as Denver, Albuquerque, Salt Lake City, Santa Fe, and Phoenix. A surprisingly large variety of shops lined each side of the wide four lane main street into town, but they also passed a lot of parks, baseball fields, a rather large library, and schools that Sam would probably be going to… if they decided to live here.

Dean had to admit, when he pulled into a parking space in the ‘downtown’ shopping area and got out, the view of the mountain range in the distance was rather spectacular. Right on the border between the mountains and desert, it never got too hot in the summer or too cold in the winter. Dean had also read there was a lot of National Parks, archaeological sites, and museums and crap that his brother would probably love checking out.

Dean turned to Sam, leaning over the top of the car.

“Want to take a look around?”

Sam's first thought as they drove through the town was that it was larger than he had expected, which was a good thing. As much as he yearned for the familiarity a small town breeds, he also enjoyed the anonymity the large cities provided. This was the perfect medium. Not small enough that everyone would know everything about each other, and not so large that there would be no connection to anyone at all.

The second thing Sam noticed was the spectacular view from the place. Mountains in front, a large sparkling lake to the side and a desert behind them. The sun was high in the sky right then, but the heavy clouds blocked the sunshine from time to time, scattering it in rays before it hit the water. The air was clear, fresh, and Sam was fairly sure they were going to love it here.

Dean pulled into the downtown area, busy already with people filling the shops and post offices. Sam got out of the car, enjoying the cool breeze on his face. At Dean's question, he turned to look at him. Dean was leaning against the car on the driver's side and just like always, it struck him just how beautiful his brother was and the urge to kiss him hit Sam like a truck. Sam downcast his eyes, ashamed at his thoughts before he looked up at the large mountain looming over the town.

He nodded, his eyes not leaving the icy peaks. "It's beautiful here," he said softly, glancing at Dean to give him a small grateful smile.

If they decided to move here, they'd have about two weeks window before the new semester started. It amazed Sam that they had survived this long without their father, and it didn't seem real that their hope of John ever coming back had dwindled down to nothing. They hadn't grieved Dad's loss, because, at least for Sam, they didn't know when they had started considering him dead and gone. For the longest time they had waited, but now Sam didn't wait anymore.

He wondered if John was still out there somewhere, and then he wondered if he was a horrible son for not caring. If John was alive, then Sam hated him that much more for not coming back. If John was dead, then there was nothing left to wonder about.

Sam went around to Dean's side of the car and grabbed his hand, weaving their fingers together. "Come!" He said with a grin, pulling him towards the general area of the public, wanting to just absorb everything and see if this really is the place they'll live at.

Dean nodded at Sam’s comment. Yeah, it did look pretty nice. He thought it had from the photos he’d seen on the internet, but the pictures really didn’t do the place justice. Still, Dean knew they shouldn’t get too excited. They should try to view the place objectively. See if it suited their needs. Try it on for size, so to speak, before they committed. Dean wanted to make sure that Sam… that both of them… would be happy here.

It was hard not to get a little excited however in the face of Sam’s obvious enthusiasm. As his brother grabbed his hand and started tugging on him like an excited three year old, Dean couldn’t help but laugh. He allowed himself to be dragged along, just as he had back then. Hell, maybe he’d even get his brother some ice cream, just like he had back then.

So they’d spent the day walking around the downtown area taking in the sights. They’d had lunch, and walked around some more, and Dean had even bought them both some ice cream after all. Dean had noticed quite a few places with ‘help wanted’ signs in the windows. Maybe tomorrow he’d have to come back to a few and see about getting a job. He’d try a couple of the auto repair shops first.

After they’d finished their little exploration, they found a cheap motel room to stay for a few days while they made a decision.

For the first time in a long time, Sam felt like a kid again. He dragged Dean from one spot to another, and Dean went along without complaint. In fact, Sam even spied a smile on Dean's face at a few points so he knew that Dean wasn't exactly feeling annoyed either. And when Dean bought them both icecreams, Sam could have kissed him. All in all, he was ready to write this entire day off as his best day alive ever.

Sam and Dean even went and looked at the high school from outside, catching it exactly as it let out for the day. Sam saw the kids his age running around, calling each others names and talking and playing around. He looked at all the cars parked out front with parents in them waiting for their kids, and even though at another time he would have felt sad that his parents wouldn't ever come to pick him up from school, right now with Dean standing beside him, he couldn't exactly complain. In fact, he had someone none of those kids had.

The town wasn't too big, but it wasn't exactly small either and running around had made sure they had only seen about a quarter or so of it. Sam had grabbed a map of the town from a local bookstore before they got a room at a motel for a couple of nights. Once inside, Sam claimed the bed further into the room, knowing Dean's obsession with taking the bed closer to the door. He lay down on the soft downy covers and studied the map, memorizing the locations because he knew in the pit of his stomach that this is where they were going to stay.

Sam looked up from the map, and saw that Dean's back was turned towards him. A mischievous smile spread over Sam's lips as he slowly got off the bed, trying to be as quiet as possible before he was right behind Dean and he jumped, tackling him quickly.

"Pinned ya!" Sam said with a laugh as Dean went down. He was sitting on Dean's back, hands on Dean's wrists that were pinned above his head. "Getting rusty, old man!"

It had been a while since they had played around, and right now he felt lighter than he had in what felt like years. While Dad was around, Sam always felt like the bad son and Dean and him only horsed around behind Dad's back. Once Dad disappeared, Sam and Dean had been fighting so much that they didn't really play with each other anymore. It was about time they started acting like brothers again, because Dean had become the parent in the family and that just wasn't fair to him.

Dean watched with a fond smile as Sam flopped down on his bed. His brother looking more happy and content than the older boy could remember seeing in a long time. The younger boy immediately took out a map of the town and started to look it over as though they hadn’t done enough ‘sightseeing’ today already. Yeah, Dean knew they shouldn’t put all their eggs in one basket, and all that. They should probably visit some of the other places he’d researched, hell, maybe they even would have to if the whole job thing didn’t pan out. But right now the content expression on his brother’s face was enough to convince him that this place would be good for both of them.

Dean dropped his duffle bag down onto his bed and unzipped it, going through his regular routine of making the room ready for them to stay in. He took out his knife and gun, putting one under the pillow and the other on the nightstand by the bed. He was just in the process of pulling out the salt to put on the windowsills when he was tackled from behind. Sam might not have the same muscle mass as Dean did, but he was certainly solid enough, and the older boy landed on the bed with an oomph. The salt container flying from his grasp in the process, thankfully it wasn’t open yet or there would be salt everywhere by now.

Hearing the younger boy laugh on top of him while he pinned his wrists above his head, Dean couldn’t help the bark of laughter that escaped him as well. Well, when he got his breath back anyway from when Sam knocked it out of him with his unexpected ‘attack’. Now that he had, though, he was fully ready to teach his little brother a lesson.

Sam wasn’t giving him much leverage the way he was sitting on his back and pinning his arms above his head, but Dean had just enough to buck beneath the younger boy and turn at the same time. Effectively unseating his brother and with the loss of balance came a loosening on his wrists and he was able to pull them free. Flipping them both around he got his arm around the younger boy in a modified headlock and then started to give his brother a serious noogie in retaliation.

“In your dreams, shrimp.” Dean laughed.

Dean bucked and unseated Sam, who didn't go without a struggle, but Dean had always been the better fighter and soon enough, Sam found himself in a headlock, noogied. Sam hated being noogied. It ruined his hair!

So Sam squirmed, grabbing Dean's waist to try and twist and turn while holding Dean steady. In a normal fight, he would have gone for the kidneys, but this was his brother so just shouting out threats was going to have to do.

"I have access to your kidneys!" Sam yelled, laughter in his voice. "I will deal immense damage to them if you don't let go!"

Right now, with Sam's face pressed tight against Dean's side and Dean's warmth and scent flowing to him, the guilt was surprisingly little. He was, in fact, happy and comfortable. He hoped this meant that in time, he'll be able to learn to live with this sickness of his, and not have Dean in danger from him either.

Sam twisted, managing to climb up Dean's body so that his head was resting on Dean's shoulder and his arms were around his waist. Sam pressed his nose into Dean's neck, breathing in the musky comforting scent of his brother. Sam would not be ashamed to say that this scent was what signified a home for him. Whether he smelled this in a car, or a motel room, or a three storey house, they were all the same. He just needed Dean there.

He tightened his grip around Dean minutely before whispering, "Thanks, Dean."

Dean was able to hold onto his brother no matter how much Sam squirmed, though he had to reluctantly admit that it wasn't as easy to do as it used to be. Sam was getting bigger, growing like a fucking weed, and Dean had the feeling it wouldn't be long before his brother passed him in height. It would probably still be a while before the younger boy started bulking up muscle after all his growth spurts but once he did Dean would probably have to work a hell of a lot harder to noogie his brother. He better enjoy it while he could then.

When Sam made his 'threat' Dean couldn't help but laugh so hard his stomach hurt. He couldn't really help it. His brother sounded so god damned formal or something. Only his brother could sound like a total nerd during a wrestling match. God, he hoped Sam didn't start talking like that during a real fight. Then again, Sam might make his opponent laugh so hard Sam could kick their ass easier.

It had certainly distracted Dean enough to loosen his hold a little on the younger boy allowing his brother to slip free. But rather than retaliating his brother started snuggling against him like the younger boy used to do when he was like three or something. Only his brother could go from being pain in the ass to all cuddly in no seconds flat.

Shaking his head and chuckling warmly Dean wrapped his arms around his brother and hugged him back. He smiled at the younger boy's whisper against his neck. He wasn't exactly sure what Sam was thanking him for but he decided it didn't matter as long as Sam was happy.

"Welcome, Sammy." He replied, giving the younger boy a gentle squeeze.

Dean hugged Sam back gently, and Sam lost himself a little more in his brother. God, sometimes the amount that he loved him hit Sam so hard that it made him feel like he was dying. When he had thought of love when he was younger, it had been all rainbows and wedding bells and disney movies, but even that perfect idea of love hadn't been close to what the real thing was.

Sam's hands moved from Dean's back to his sides, fingers curling over the jut of Dean's hipbone pushing through the t-shirt he was wearing, above the waistband of his jeans. The warmth of Dean's skin seeped into Sam's skin, and Sam felt like the world had slowed its spinning for a few moments. He just couldn't let go of Dean right now, and he kept trying to let go because this hug had already gone on too long. Brothers didn't hug this long, and they certainly didn't hold each other by the hips. But that knowledge wasn't enough to have Sam pull away, and it wasn't for lack of trying. He felt like he was ripping himself to pieces as he finally managed to pull his face away from the warm, soft, curve of Dean's neck, only to come face to face with him.

Fuck... he can't... he just wanted a kiss... wanted to feel those plump lips against his one more time...

Just one kiss...

Sam's eyes dropped to the bow of Dean's lips, the curve of his lower plump one. Sam licked his lips, his mouth going dry.

Just one kiss... that can't be so bad, right? It's not unforgivable.

Sam knew what he wanted was wrong, but right at this moment he couldn't stop himself. He went as far as to tilt his hand, slanting his open mouth over Dean's before he used every last fiber of his willpower to pull back, hands nearly shaking as he removed them from their position on Dean's body. It felt like every molecule in his body was screaming at him to just step back in and kiss Dean. He was even starting to entertain impossible ideas like Dean might even feel the same way.

"Sorry..." Sam said softly, turning away and looking down at the carpet for a brief moment to compose himself. He looked back up at Dean, smile back in place but it had never felt so fake before. He refused to let his sick feelings ruin the day for them both. "Hungry? I can make the dinner run," Sam offered, trying to get back to normal even though want flowed through his veins like the most potent drug. He knew if he didn't remove himself from his brother, that he was going to do something horrible.

He just hoped Dean would buy his 'nothing just happened' act. His brother could be pretty dense at times, and for once Sam was counting on Dean turning a blind eye to what was right in front of him.

As the hug went on Dean kept thinking that he should probably step back, or that any minute Sam would let him go and move away. Neither happened, but oddly enough it didn’t feel uncomfortable or wrong… and a part of Dean knew it should. The way they were holding each other was just too damned intimate, for guys let alone brothers. But another part of him didn’t really care and wasn’t ready for the hug to end even though it had already gone on for too long already.

When Sam finally did draw back, Dean had been ready to let the younger boy go, but his brother barely pulled back a few inches. Just enough so that Dean could see into his brother’s eyes and the emotions swirling in those depths made Dean’s heart beat faster. The way Sam was practically studying him made his breath catch.

Was Sam leaning into him? Like… to kiss him? No. He had to be wrong. Mistaken. He was wrong to even think that Sam would do that. Wrong… Why wasn’t he pulling back then? Even when he could feel Sam’s breath against his lips…

All of a sudden Sam released him and moved away, leaving Dean feeling a little lost missing his brother’s touch… and when he came to his senses, fully realizing what he’d been thinking, a little ill too. What the fuck was wrong with him? For thinking that Sam would… for wanting him to…

Dean cleared his throat and turned away, trying to remember what he’d been doing before he’d lost his fucking mind. He’d been unpacking. About to get the room ready for them to stay in. Salt the doors. The windows. Keep out evil things. Right. Dean turned back to his bag on the bed, eager for something to do. When Sam mentioned food, Dean nodded. Eager for something to take his mind off his wrong thoughts about his baby brother, something normal and right. Like eating. That was simple enough.

“Sure, take my wallet.” Dean said, fishing it out of his back pocket and tossing it to the younger boy without looking at Sam. As he pretended to be busy searching through his bag.

Sam took a few moments standing there frozen before Dean told him to take his wallet. Something felt off. Like... like he had actually felt the same attraction from Dean as he did for his brother. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts, but everytime he looked up at Dean's upturned back, he was reminded of the nearly tangible sparks between them a few moments ago.

Could it be possible? Could Dean like him back like that?

No. It was wishful thinking. They couldn't both be fucked up. Statistics didn't work that way.

Sam grabbed the wallet from mid air where Dean had thrown it, fingers tracing the soft, worn leather like he was touching Dean instead. He bit his lip, looking at Dean's back again and seeing the tense line of his shoulders. Any other day, he would have interpreted that as Dean being angry at Sam. But not today. Right now, somehow, he knew that Dean wasn't angry at him, but instead something different entirely.

Whether it was disgust or attraction that had him looking away, Sam didn't know. But it wasn't anger.

"Dean... do you..." Sam started asking, mouth forming the words without his permission, but luckily he stopped himself before finishing his question. It would be a damn bad idea to just openly ask him if Dean wanted to get naked with Sam. Sam shook his head again, feeling the connection between them like he had never before. He opened his mouth again, to try and salvage the half uttered question when something struck him.

Dean hadn't pulled away.

Sam had almost kissed him. Hell, Sam was a hairsbreadth away from having his mouth on Dean's. There was no doubt about what Sam's intentions were... and Dean hadn't moved away.

Sam bit his lip to keep himself from smiling. Maybe Dean did like him the way Sam did.

This required testing. Experiments. Confirmation before Sam did something that could ruin them if he was wrong.

Since Dean still had his back turned, Sam let himself grin widely. "I'll be right back," he said with way too much glee before he opened the door and stepped out of the room, closing the door behind him. Then he stood there, just breathing for a few moments, grinning at everything he saw. The sky was the most gorgeous shade of red as the sun set, the air smelled fresh and cool, and Sam was very, very, very happy to be alive.

He had to plan this out. Prepare a hypothesis, a null, a series of experiments, and he'll have to carefully watch Dean's reactions. He won't have proper data, so he'll have to decide what Dean's looks or actions meant. It was much too subjective, but Sam would have to remove his bias by planning several experiments, all different scenarios...

Wow. He was so fucking excited!

He didn't stop grinning all the way to the Chinese place across the street, and he ordered what they usually got. It was unhealthy as hell, but Chinese food made Dean happy and he needed Dean happy for his Experiment.

Experiment 'Seduce Dean' has commenced.

Dean resisted looking at Sam until he’d heard the door open and close, and only then did he turn around to stare at the spot the younger boy had been. His brother had seemed... awfully cheerful for just going out to get fast food and Dean wasn’t sure if he should be worried or what. Then again, considering what had been going through the older teen’s head, he was lucky that Sam didn’t sound pissed off or disgusted or something.

So at least Sam hadn’t noticed anything was off, thank god. Only now that the younger boy was gone, Dean didn’t know what to think about what he’d been thinking. The last thing he really wanted to do was analyze why he’d been thinking such thoughts about his baby brother.

What kind of sick twisted fuck was he? It had to be... a fluke or something. He hadn’t been laid in a long time, at least a long time for him. That had to be all it was, because he would never actually want to molest his little brother. He would never hurt Sam that way. He was just horny, needed to get laid, and... he was just going to forget about it. Well, first he was going to take an ice cold shower and when he was done he was going to forget about it.

With that in mind Dean headed for the bathroom. When Sam came back everything would be back to normal. Today was a good day and he wasn’t going to ruin that, damn it. Maybe once Sam had fallen asleep later on Dean would go out and find a quick lay, get it out of his system, and come back. Then he could just concentrate on getting them a home like he’d promised Sam and making his brother happy.

Deciding to seduce Dean was a lot easier than actually knowing how to do it. So far, Sam had had a pitiful number of sexual encounters... one being with Jake and all the other assholes - hadn't that one gone downhill fast? - and the second being the forced stripper thing that hadn't gone anywhere at all other than a lot more drama than it was really worth. So all Sam knew of seduction was from bad porn movies, bond movies, and Dean's graphic recounts of his own sexual escapades that hadn't involved all that much seduction and mostly just frantic falling into bed.

Sam would have to get creative, and he would have to do research. That would be an interesting day at the library.

By the time he got back to the motel, it hadn't been all that long. He noticed immediately that Dean was not in the room, and a moment later the sound of the shower alerted him to his brother's whereabouts. Grinning as an idea struck him, he put the food down on the small table with two chairs on each side. Why not start as soon as possible? At worst, all it'll do is make his brother call him a girl.

He quickly pulled out the paper plates the Chinese place had given him. He carefully arranged the plastic forks and knives next to the plates. He arranged the food on the table in what he thought was a pleasing manner, and then started looking around for a candle. It would be perfect if he could find a candle... only that searching the cupboards yielded nothing. Sighing with disappointment, he opted for dimming the lights on the bedside lamps instead. The room was now encased in a warm orange glow that made Sam grin. This felt a lot like a date, and he couldn't help but love the feeling. It was strange... for him to have decided to pursue Dean specially considering that Dean was his brother, but somehow it didn't feel wrong either.

Now here's to hoping that Dean wouldn't freak out and get pissed or anything.

Sam sat down on one chair, meticulously arranging the plates and forks around until they were placed perfectly, and then waiting for Dean and his reaction.

Dean was still shivering a little, goose bumps raised up on his arms, as he stepped out of the shower but at least he felt better. Well, better being a relative term he supposed since he was now freezing even as he used the scratchy towel to dry himself off, but he felt clearer headed at least. The cold shower had also done the job it was supposed to, all but making his traitorous dick shrivel up, and was a suitable punishment for his sick thoughts and feelings about his baby brother.

Now he’d forget it ever happened. Dean was good at denial if nothing else, and Sam would never have to know what a twisted fuck his big brother was. He couldn’t lose Sam. He wouldn’t lose Sam. Not to that... a fluke. A combination of stupid teenage hormones, stress, and not being laid for a while.

Or maybe it only really proved how messed up Dean really was... no, he wouldn’t hurt Sam like that. He’d cut his own dick off first.

With that ‘pleasant’ thought in mind, Dean shook his head and wrapped the towel he’d been using around his waist. He’d been so damned distracted he’d forgotten to get a change of clothes out of his duffel before heading into the bathroom. But hopefully Sam wouldn’t be back from his food run yet...

When Dean opened the bathroom door he knew that hope was futile when he smelled the Chinese food that made his mouth water and stomach grumble a bit in hunger. But... why the hell were the lights turned down? Then Dean’s eyes fell on his brother sitting at the table... already set up with the food, plates, and everything. Which may have not been out of the ordinary for any other family, except they usually just ate the Chinese food right out of the boxes spread out on one of the beds... What the hell?

Dean knew he must look like an idiot. Standing there in nothing but a towel, still dripping a little, and a perplexed look on his face, but he just couldn’t seem to shake it. His duffel was right across the room on the bed, and he really should get some clothes on at least, but something about the setting made him almost afraid to step into the room... which was just stupid.

“Why is it so dark in here?” Dean decided to ask the ‘simplest’ question first.

It was like Dean had decided to be the biggest tease in the world. Of course, he had to just walk out of the bathroom pretty much naked, droplets of water clinging to his skin, with just a towel tied low on his waist. Fuck, but Sam could die right now from the temptation that Dean presented.

Dean's confusion wasn't surprising, and neither was the question. Sam just grinned at Dean and tried not to shift too much on his chair. "Doesn't it look nice like this?" He asked instead, looking around the room as well. The curtains were pulled, the orange light casting soft shadows on the room and making it look cozy and warm and nice. "I have food," Sam explained, pointing to the arranged table. He could do the impatient thing and point out how he arranged it, and how it's not like every other night, but he has this all planned and it's a slow process. He'll have to ease Dean in... because knowing Dean, if he does feel like this about Sam, he's going to be neck deep in denial and then even more guilt.

Well, hopefully Dean was in denial and guilt right now, because otherwise, Sam was going to get his heart broken after getting his hopes up.

This will have to be a delicate operation indeed.

Nice? Dean raised an eyebrow as he took another look around the room, his eyes finally settling back on Sam with a raised eyebrow, wondering if the younger boy had fell and hit his head while he was out.

“I... guess so.” Dean replied with a little shrug. Even though he wasn’t sure what had gotten into Sam, it was obvious the younger boy had gone through some trouble making the room look... uh... nice... so Dean offered his brother a small smile as well, not wanting Sam to feel bad. He nodded when Sam pointed at the table, reminding him of the food (as though Dean’s grumbling stomach had forgotten) but instead of joining his brother right away Dean turned back to his bed.

“I’m gonna get dressed.” The older boy announced, reaching for the towel around his waist and hesitating a moment before he ordered himself to stop acting like an idiot. They’d changed in front of each other their whole lives, motel rooms didn’t leave much room for privacy after all. That would all change once Dean got them the home that Sam wanted. He’d be able to give Sam everything that Sam had never had... he hoped.

Dropping the towel on the bed, Dean reached in his bag for a pair of boxers and a t-shirt, putting them both on. After running the towel through his hair a couple more times, making sure he wouldn’t drip while he was eating, he turned back to Sam and sat down at the table across from his brother. Obviously where Sam expected him to sit by the place setting and everything.

After a moment, being unsure if Sam expected him to do or say something, Dean just gave his brother another small smile before reaching for the little boxes stuffed with more food than seemed possible to fit inside. After loading up his plate from one container he handed it to his brother then grabbed his fork to shove a good portion of shrimp lo mien into his mouth with an appreciative sound. Grinning at Sam again before grabbing another container to see what was inside.

Sam swears Dean's doing this on purpose. And if he isn't, then god has it in for him which wouldn't exactly be a surprise by now. He was already sporting a semi hardon from seeing Dean's wet, glistening body earlier but at least he had all the important bits covered. Now he was standing there, towel lost, perfectly round, smooth ass displayed to Sam's greedy perverted eyes.

Crap.

Sam forced himself to look away, but he was unable to keep himself from watching from the corner of his eyes. He was simultaneously glad and upset when Dean was dressed and came to sit across from Sam who cleared his throat and watched Dean serve himself. He hoped that the dim lighting of the room would hide his blush. Dean didn't seem to notice much, and that was lucky because the image of Dean's perfectly round ass was burned into Sam's mind. He couldn't stop thinking about it. And it was also lucky that he was sitting down at the table where Dean didn't have a good look at Sam's crotch. That would have been difficult to explain.

Sam focused on eating and trying not to think about exactly how gorgeous his brother was without even trying, and soon enough they were done. Sam picked up the plates and cleared the table before Dean could, because after all, he was trying to woo Dean and he had to have Dean like him for that to happen.

Yeah, he couldn't rely on Dean's brotherly love for him right now. He needed Dean to like him more than a brother.

Since Sam was already spending his nights sharing Dean's bed, it only made the whole plan easier.

"There's an 'Alien' marathon tonight," Sam said, sitting down on Dean's bed and switching the TV on. "Wanna watch it?" He asked, planning on using the movie as an excuse to sit plastered up right next to Dean for as long as they could last through the movies before losing consciousness.

Dean had to admit, dinner was pretty good, and the easy relaxation that had been between them all day returned quickly. Maybe Dean had just been imagining what had happened earlier. Of course he’d imagined it, Sam would never want something like that, but at least the awkwardness of that moment was beginning to fade and Dean was relieved beyond belief. It had been hell for both of them since Dad had gone missing, even more so in recent months. Dean would never have forgiven himself if he’d ruined things again, when they’d barely gotten their feet back under them.

Sam had obviously splurged a bit on the food, getting enough that Dean could stuff himself and they still had some leftovers, but the older boy couldn’t say he minded much. They deserved a little celebration today, after all.

When his brother got up and started cleaning up their mess by himself Dean raised an eyebrow slightly at that, but just shrugged to himself. Grinning a little when Sam mentioned the Aliens movies on the TV, Dean had always liked those flicks, and Sigourney Weaver kicked ass.

“Sure.” Dean replied as he flopped down on his bed next to the younger boy, arranging the pillows slightly behind his head to prop himself up so he could watch comfortably while he digested.

Sam grinned at Dean's answer, scooting closer than was normal for them when they settled to watch the movie. The entire time they were watching the movie, his mind was on Dean... at how great Dean felt pressed so close next to him, the warmth radiating from him, and Sam couldn't help himself. He snuggled closer, hand draping over Dean's waist and head resting on his shoulder. He looked up, smiling at Dean. "You mind?" He asked with a grin, throwing a leg over Dean's thighs to demonstrate what he meant.

At first Dean didn’t really notice Sam’s… snuggling. Well, ok, he noticed it was hard not to notice the warm length of his brother’s body pressed against him, the boy was a furnace after all. But he didn’t really pay it too much mind because it wasn’t all that out of the ordinary.

Sure, Sam was getting a little old to still be snuggling with him like he had as a little boy. Not to mention the two of them sleeping in the same bed as they had been, but Dean always figured Sam would grow out of it when he was ready. While Dean had… freaked out… a little earlier he was determined to completely forget about that and therefore might have purposefully ignored the little warning bells going off in the back of his mind.

Then Sam was scooting even closer, resting his head on his bare shoulder and his arm over his equally bare waist, and maybe Dean could have let that go as ‘normal’ too… until Sam threw his leg over his as well. That’s pretty much when Dean’s heart stopped beating for a few horrifying moments and then he sprang up out of the bed like a scalded cat.

His heart wasn’t frozen anymore. It was racing. Just like before. Even worse, just like before, his body was missing that warmth, that touch, that he had no god damned business missing. That he had no god damned business craving…

“I… have to…” Dean waved half heartedly towards the bathroom. “You know, Chinese food…”

With that rather pathetic explanation Dean Winchester, slayer of monsters, fled to the bathroom.

Sam hadn't been expecting Dean jumping out of bed. If anything, he had been expecting Dean to say, 'I don't mind' and return the snuggling... but then, when he thought about it, that was rather stupid. Why would Dean return the snuggle? Sam bet Dean didn't even snuggle with the girls he slept with, and there wasn't anything huge between them yet... and Dean was just not a snuggler. He was the almighty hater of chick flick moments...

Maybe Sam had pushed too much too fast.

But he couldn't deny that when Dean sprang out of bed like Sam was a disease, it hurt. He squashed it though, because he wasn't about start getting morose and sad. He attempted to talk to Dean but Dean was mumbling something about Chinese food and then dashing for the bathroom. Sam sat there for a few moments, torn between feeling amused because Dean had just feigned diarrhea to get away from Sam... and feeling saddened that Dean had feigned diarrhea to get away from Sam.

Fighting his own tendency to angst, Sam instead opted for stubbornness and didn't move from Dean's bed, getting even more comfortable in it. Sam was staking his claim, and Dean could try and run if he wanted to, but until he explicitly said 'No', Sam wasn't giving up.

Hopefully, Dean won't leave him, because it hurt like fuck last time Dean left him.

Sam squeezed his eyes shut, forcing the memories of those long, empty, lonely days away. It had barely been two months, but they had felt like two years. He never wanted to go through that again.

Sam sank down into Dean's bed, watching the movie like nothing had happened, and waited for his wayward brother to return from the bathroom. Honestly, put a Wendigo in front of Dean and he'll kick the shit out of it, but offer some affection and the man runs like he's being chased by the hellhounds themselves. Sheesh.

Dean sat on the toilet in the bathroom… no he wasn’t taking a dump… but it was better than pacing back and forth in the small room like a caged animal. This was stupid. Just stupid. What the hell was wrong with him? Why was he acting like this? Why was Sam… touching him… making him react like this? He shouldn’t be reacting at all, god damn it, Sam was his brother!

Despite his earlier determination not to pace Dean jumped up and started to do just that. If he hadn’t taken a shower less than an hour ago he would have considered taking another one. A cold one. But it hadn’t worked before so what made him think it would work this time? Before… when Sam had hugged him, leaned in close, and Dean had visions of Sam kissing him…

Dean ran his fingers through his hair and pulled on it hard, cursing himself under his breath. Of course Sam hadn’t been ready to kiss him. Just like his brother hadn’t meant anything by draping himself all over him in the bed. Sam was just… affectionate. His little brother always had been… well… when they weren’t fighting at least. Dean had never minded it before. Hell, he didn’t mind it now… and that was the problem. He was liking it too damned much!

Dean had been planning on going out after Sam was asleep to find a quick lay, to get whatever this was out of his system, but obviously it couldn’t wait. He might as well go out now. Get it over with. Then everything would be back to normal.

With that in mind, Dean opened the bathroom door and returned to the main room. Seeing Sam sprawled out taking up pretty much his entire bed it seemed like his brother was getting ready to sleep anyway, so now was as good a time to go as any. He walked over to his duffel and started pulling out his cleanest clothes.

“Hey Sammy, I’m gonna go out for a while, but I should be back before midnight. You gonna be good for a couple hours?” Dean asked as he pulled on his jeans.

Sam had nearly dozed off while waiting for Dean to come out of the bathroom. On the screen, Ripley screamed when the Alien showed up, but Sam wasn't watching. He was sprawled all over the bed, half under the covers, lying on his stomach and his eyes drooping closed. So when Dean finally came out of the bathroom, Sam sat up, rubbing his eyes in the dim lighting and wondering why Dean was getting into bed.

He was going out? Now? What about the movie?!

Sam gaped at him, glancing once at the clock on the wall and noting that it was just after nine. It was quite early for sleeping, but still... why did Dean have to leave now? Where was he going? What was he going to do? Could Sam come with?

Sam decided to voice his questions, crawling on his hands and knees to get to the edge of the bed, watching Dean. "Why? Where are you going? What are you going to do? Why do you have to go now? Can I come with you?" Sam asked, shifting to sit properly on the bed, his bony feet on the floor. He wrapped his arms around his chest, hating how he was not as broad as Dean was yet. He couldn't do the whole 'authority' bit properly and it was all thanks to his bony, lanky frame. He couldn't wait to grow up and be broad and muscled with a deep voice. Maybe Dean would like him more then. He wouldn't be so much of a kid.

He was getting distracted. He looked up at Dean with wide eyes, breaking out the puppy look.

Dean was a little surprised by the twenty questions. Surely the younger boy wasn't that naïve. After all, he'd given his brother the sex talk some time ago and Sam was now fifteen. Yet the way Sam was sitting there looking at him his brother suddenly looked a lot younger than he really was. Which of course only made Dean feel worse, and even more guilty given the reason why he was going out.

The older boy avoided the questions and looking at his brother by pulling on his shirt over his head. Normally he wouldn't have thought twice about being completely frank with the younger boy, telling Sam exactly where he was going and why, and not to wait up… but now…

"I'm just going out for a little while, Sammy. I just need to take care of some business and I'll probably be back before the second movie starts." Dean reassured the younger boy, hoping that Sam wouldn't ask any more questions, and grabbed his keys.

Sam frowned at Dean, noting all the questions Dean hadn't answered. Sam wasn't an idiot, in fact he prided himself on being a little smarter than the average fifteen year old, even if his hormones and his age often caused him to do stupid things. Dean's avoidance, and the way he looked like he was running from the room like a bat outta hell answered more questions than Dean had.

In fact, he was surprised Dean hadn't just told him to not wait up. Back before the next movie, Sam's ass! Dean wasn't going to be back before two or three in the morning.

"Oh," Sam said, surprise causing him to blurt it out. "Umm..." He smiled a little, flipping his hand in front of him, dismissive. "Nevermind me. Just... go have fun."

Sam made sure to keep the smile on his face, because he knew that if he wasn't smiling, he would look disappointed. As it is, he tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his chest by looking at the TV, watching an alien baby burst out of a man's chest.

Sam was perfectly capable of enjoying a movie by himself. Dean could go get his X-rated fun between the diseased legs of whichever slut he wanted. Sam was content in his PG13 for the moment. And yes, that didn't sound the least bit bitter to Sam at all. Nope.